WHEN I CANNOT FORGIVE GOD

When we were children, and our parents did something we that made us angry, like children, we reacted with mad, sad, or hurt.  At the time, they did what they did, because they felt it was best for us, and yet, we didn’t like our parents. Some of us took tizzy fits, some of us withdrew.  Some of us even told our parents that we didn’t like/love them. We held grudges against them. We may even had said things to them out of our pain, that we didn’t really mean, but at the time, we thought we did.  We weren’t so much disrespectful as our words were just the linguist of our emotions or pain.

Likewise, as children of GOD, if we don't have this kind of open and honest relationship with Him, like the above, then we aren't being real with Him.  It is not as if He doesn't know what we are really feeling, anyway. It is not as if He doesn’t know what it’s like to be human and limited in our capacity to understand or contain our emotions and pain.  Did our parents disown us when we got mad at them, or reprimand us?  If they were good parents, they did not, rather they stood there watching us, pitying us with the full knowledge that we had no idea what we were saying, or why, but that they understood something we couldn’t.  They understood, because their minds were capable of understanding that which we weren’t capable of comprehending. 

It is the exact SAME way with our Heavenly Father. I tell people I’m mad at GOD, or that I am having a beef with Him, or even that I’m holding on to some kind of grudge against Him.  It isn’t but a moment before someone in the church decides that I need some serious reprimanding, rebuking, or correcting, and they use the ten percent of their Bible knowledge as a weapon against a bruised reed. 

What did GOD do when Elijah took his little fit? He graced him with His very own presence. When one of His prophets reached the point of wishing death upon themselves rather than take another breath, it was never GOD's reaction to reprimand or shame them.  He knew, He understood, He had compassion, and the fullness of patience with their limited capacity to grasp what He was really doing.  If you don’t believe me, check out Elijah and Jonah and Jeremiah, to name a few.  When Job held a grudge, he was “reprimanded” by Elohim, but only after YHWH patiently let Job process all that he was thinking and feeling in his limited capacity as a human with his limited knowledge of what GOD was doing with and for him. 

GOD knows why I'm mad at Him. Why should I try to hide the truth from Him or anybody else, for that matter.  How will others who are struggling feel they are free to express themselves to their Heavenly All-Knowing Father?  My fellow bruised reeds need to be able to freely express their hurt, knowing that GOD doesn't react toward them like most church people, who oppressed and shamed them.  We bruised reeds have been lied to by being told that it was a "sin to get mad" at GOD.   The sin was not being honest with GOD.  If I held back, I’d be more of a sinner and a church phony, putting on a show, trying to look good for others, without being truly open for my fellow bruised reeds and for myself to learn and process what all these emotions mean.  It's in the emotional reactions that we truly learn Who our  Loving Heavenly Father really is to us.  When I say that I  cannot forgive Him for what He has done to me over the past few years, what I’m saying is that I can’t understand what He’s done or why.  Sometimes, it's easier to forgive another faulty human when they do us wrong. We can blame their hurtful actions against us on human nature, but when it comes to GOD, He does no wrong, even if it feels like it to us, even if we can see another way out of a mess, but He won't allow that.  

That being said, He is still my Heavenly father. I understand that He knows best, and I don't. I know that He sees what's ahead, and I don't. I know that He is worthy of praise, even if I can’t find the words to say it or the feelings to do it.  My knowledge of the Holy doesn't change the hurt in my heart, or the grudge that I'm holding on to out of my inability to understand what He is doing and why. Short-sightedness is not a sin, either is hurt over what GOD does that we can't fathom or comprehend.  The only sin against GOD is blaspheming the Holy Spirit and that's a whole different blog post that I'm not in a place to write, yet. 

So, it's okay to be open with GOD, like our toddlers and young children are open with us. He doesn't get mad at our "temper tantrums" like we don't get mad at our children's inability to comprehend things too deep for them to accept with happy and grateful understanding.  GOD know the trauma of our hearts that He Himself wrote into our life story.  It must have been worse for him to watch us headed for that train wreck, than His weeping with us in the after affects of it.  Can you imagine knowing the agony that your child is going to be going through ahead of time, and you can't do a thing about it to stop it?