What the Remnant Desperately Needs is Another David Kind of Hero. 

     I have had this dark cloud of hopelessness hanging over me for quite some time now.   I had high hopes for someone I thought I knew to become somewhat of a "Biblical" hero, because God kept giving me signs and Scriptures to confirm it. Well, it's been more than six years, and I like him less and less every day. He is mean and says mean things. I don't know if he knows what he says is mean. I liken him to Saul before Acts 9.  He thinks he's doing the right thing, but he is not, and there is no talking to him.  Only by the Power and Spirit of the Holy Spirit will he ever be able to see.   Praying for him has become quite the chore lately, and I have been praying with disbelief sitting heavy on my heart. 

     So, I ask God, why can't I just believe what You have done, instead of believing what my eyes have seen and experienced? His answer from the Holy Spirit was this: 

    "Not only did Thomas not believe until he saw Yeshua resurrected, he was the only one who had the courage and honestly to actually admit that he couldn't believe, until he saw and touched him. None of the other disciples admitted that they didn't believe, even though Yeshua told them what would happen. So, stop being so hard on yourself. Just like I caused you to love that man enough to pray for him every day for six years, without missing a day, I can cause you to fall in love with another man I bring to you. "

     This made perfect sense. I never saw the first guy coming. God hit me from behind, shortly after my husband moved out.  I couldn't understand why I could have met someone who seemed so imperfectly perfect so soon after my marriage ended.  I thought, "Something's up, because nothing this good is this easy."  I was right.  Six years later, after loving, hating, loving, hating, liking, disliking, and giving up on him thousands of times, I still can't get the dude out of my mind.  It bugs the daylights out of me and has caused quite the rift between GOD and me.  I want to move on, to forget this man ever existed, let alone all the mean things he has done to me.  

     I mean if GOD brought this perfectly imperfect man to make my life an absolute hell, well,  He can do it again, only this time with a nicer imperfectly perfect man.  There are many really good reasons why God may have kept my heart attached to that man's. One could be so that I could accept the end of my marriage, because God Himself ended it. I think He wanted me to see that there was life out there after being abandoned and divorced against my will.  Having this other guy in my heart, even though he was mean to me all this time, was a good distraction over the devastation of divorce and my family shattering. I thought it was just another heartache on top of the previous one, but it wasn't. It was a sign of hope as to what God can do when we aren't looking or can't see straight.  This man was the dead bolt on the exit door to my three-decade long marriage.  I could never have accepted it, and looked toward a different future if GOD has not sent this man along to make me even more miserable!  For that I am grateful.  

     Had the flames in the fiery furnace of affliction not been turned up to full blast, I would not be as close to my Yeshua as I am today.  I know more now about  YHWH than I accumulated the twenty-one years combined, prior to this hell in the dark hallway of waiting.   I have seen the magnificent Hand of GOD in Divine Coincidence after Divine Coincidence.  Folks, there is no such thing as coincidences if Elohim rules and reigns in this universe.  He is as intimately involved in the details of our lives as He is the plankton at the bottom of the deepest ocean. 

     I am the type that always needs a goal, a vision, something to work toward.  All my life, I've always looked forward to the next phase, the next baby, the next project from GOD, or the next big thing to come along.  I always expect the next thing to be bigger and more substantial than the previous.  I love a challenge.  I'm not so sure this challenge I have loved, as a matter of fact, I have hated it.  Yet, GOD knew that  I couldn't handle being abandoned, just floating out there with no vision or understanding of what Adonai was doing through the flames in the fiery furnace of affliction.  I have to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have to be able to write about this experience in order to help someone else get through their dark days.  I had to have a dream, and by golly, He gave me a grand one somewhere over that rainbow.  And the pot of gold on the other side of this rainbow is another David to lead GOD's Remnant as He brings the two houses of Israel back together as He promised over and over again in the Prophets. 

 If Two Sparrows are Worth One Penny, What is a Hawk Worth? 

       I went to this divorce care group last night.  It was the first time I stepped foot in a church in over four years.  Yes, I know I swore that I never would, but isn't that how GOD works?  Our never ever's  end up becoming just another mouthful of humble pie.  Without all that humble pie, we are of no use to the LORD at all.   I decided that I needed to come out from under the rock in which I've been living for these past ten or so years, and actually brush up on my social skills with actual people, not people on the end of my fingertips tapping on my keyboard.  

     The whole time I was there, I was looking around at the "devastated" faces of these poor people who have experienced one of the things GOD says He hates.  I never knew how much He hated it until it happened to me.  I never saw it coming, either.  I was married for 28 years when my husband first brought up the word divorce, while I was going through cancer treatments.  Yeah, I just have to throw that one in there in every post, just to rub it in a bit more.   

     We had been having a terrible time in our marriage for a few years before he brought it up, but I figured GOD would come in with the fix.   Our life became so difficult with job loss, dual cancers, adult child estrangements, financial oblivion, that something had to give.  I didn't know it would be my marriage.  Things kept breaking and we had no money to fix them.  I wrote all about this in my first book, I'm Not Bipolar, I'm Just a Fruitcake With a Dream: Surviving the Emotional Roller Coaster of a Dream Gone Bad.   You can look for it on-line, but don't expect to find it.  I took it down, for a number of reasons.  I do know that there are pirated copies out there, and I just figure if GOD wants someone to read it, that's how He will do it.  I'm not interested in any financial gain over this. 

     In this fiery furnace of affliction, as we were being scorched by the flames, we went in two different directions.  I looked up, he looked away.  I drew closer to GOD, he drew further away.  He disgruntledly blamed GOD for this misery, and I knew GOD had a good purpose in it.  That was the beginning of the end.  We both survived cancer in the same year, but our marriage did not.  That was around the time when the Holy Spirit whispered in my spirit that GOD was taking my husband out of the home, because he failed as a spiritual leader, as a father and as a husband.  Of course, I did not believe Him, but a year and a half later, he moved out.  We had separate bedrooms for a couple of years before that.  I kept trying to get him to come back to our room, but he would have none of that.  He violated 1 Corinthians 7:2-3, thus, GOD did something even worse to him because of that.  

      He officially moved out January 2016, and even then, I refused to believe a divorce would happen. It took him five more years before he did file, and serve me, unexpectedly.  That did not go over well.  He got a big windfall from an inheritance, and he chose to spend it on a divorce lawyer.  I would not file, because we both made our vows to GOD ten times, two wedding ceremonies and eight baby dedications.  If there was going to be a divorce, it would be on him, not me.  In fact, I wouldn't even look at the divorce papers, as soon as they came I tucked them neatly under his windshield wipers with a not-so-nice note.  I refused to get a lawyer, he said I didn't need one, yeah, right, but I knew my Lawyer was the One who wrote the Law. I ended up getting everything, he got to keep his little windfall.  Big deal.  When it's all said and done, he is the loser both in character and in eternal rewards. 

     We get along, for the most part, because as a full-time mother to our bottom five children, I was not going to bite the hand that fed me, unless it slaps me across my heart, then I kick it but good.  He had done it a number of times over the years, mostly when he was with his other woman.  My birthday was the other day, and again, I lowered myself to ask him to take me to dinner, because for the last nine years, no one has.  He said he'd give me an answer on my birthday.  He came over and told me that "he was uncomfortable...,"  at that point I stopped him cold dead in his tracks, knowing what was coming next.  I cussed him out, kicked him out of my house, yelling at him that it isn't always about him, sometimes it is about someone else.  He has no clue how to make someone happy, nor does he ever want to, because he is incapable of feeling what anyone feels. Only his feelings matter. 

   While cursing him, wishing him dead, my usual temper tantrum, shaking my fist at GOD, yelling at Him, and swearing that was the last straw, I swore there was nothing GOD could do to ever get me back as a totally devoted servant writer for Him.  That was it. I  was never going to open my Bible, write another encouraging Tweet or Facebook post, and least of all, another blog post.  I even deleted everything.  Thank GOD for the recycle bin, eh? 

    I don't know when it happened, but shortly thereafter, after I called him names I should not say, yelling out the window, unbeknownst to me, GOD dropped a dead hawk in my front yard.  I live in the city.  I've never seen a hawk up close, let alone a dead one.  You would think you would find one out in the country, but not a mile from downtown.  There it was, dead as a doorknob with no explanation.   I knew that this had to be something from GOD. How often does a hawk fall from the sky and die on one's front lawn on their birthday, right after their "former" husband just failed another test from GOD?  

      Needless to say, I had to open up my Bible to find where a hawk is mentioned in the Bible, and there it was.  It's an abominable bird, an unclean bird that we are to never touch.  Wow!  Now that was pretty powerful.  What my former husband did is an abomination to GOD, making him spiritually an unclean man, because he bailed on his vows to GOD. He has no fear of what that means in terms of GOD's punishment.  There is a sin unto death that one can commit when their heart grows so cold against the LORD, that He has no more use for them down here, and they are doing more damage than good.  No one knows when that will happen, except GOD. 

     I expected widowhood to come then, and then again  in 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and I finally considered myself to have been wrong about that notion in 2020.  Our days are numbered, GOD has the number planned out before we are ever born. Scripture is clear that every day was written in His book before one of them began.   (Psalm 139:16)  January 30, 2022 was the day for that poor hawk.  That was the day GOD said to him, "Sorry, unclean animal, but your time is done."  Then He dropped it in my front yard right after my former husband did something mean to me, again. Is there a correlation?  I have no idea, but it's a scary thought for me and my children. The adult children have followed in their earthly father's footsteps and have turned there back on GOD and on me.  After all, nothing says, "I hate your mother so much, that I don't even want to be related to her after 37 years."  My former husband, against my better advice is triple vaxxed and living on borrowed time. God is keeping him here for reasons unknown to me. Because my former husband and I had a Covenant Marriage ceremony in 1990, in GOD'S eyes we are still married regardless of what a civil judge says. After all, man answers to God's Laws, not God answering to man's laws. Right now, I consider myself a "married widow, a woman trapped in a dead marriage. There won't be another husband for me, because to GOD, I am still married.