Who am I? I really do not know, I wish I did.  

I'm not really an author, so to speak.  I may have written a couple of fiction books, against my will, but I did it, anyway.  I hate fiction. I’ve always hated fiction.  When GOD put that silly notion into my head to write a novel, even though I'm not a novelist, I did have one condition though.  I would do it, ONLY if it had a happy ending.  Too many tragic literary fictional stories out there, and life is depressing enough. I surely won’t write anything that is depressing for anyone else.  I don’t see myself as an author by trade, I don't want any money for them, nor do I want to ever write again.  I only did it, because GOD put a story in my head. 

I totally objected to the idea of writing a novel, because I'm NOT a novelist.  I don't want a publishing contract, even if offered one, I won’t sign on any condition, especially if there is money involved.  I don't even want my books really out there until after I'm gone, as in permanently Retired in that Assisted Living Mansion in Paradise, the one Jesus says that he is preparing for me. (John 14).   So, I’m not an author seeking any kind of notoriety,  I'm not a college graduate, unless you want to count four years of college with only an Associate's Degree to speak of? I'm not a seminary student, I have no theological training, unless you count thirty years as a student of the Word, with these last eight being the most intense training and studying 24/7 a person could do.  I even have the Bible or one of those Netflix Gospels playing while I sleep, so I can absorb as much as I can, even while semi-conscious.    

There are three MIA this day my eldest graduated college at 31.

 I'm a mother who has graduated five children into legal adulthood, so I can’t be sued by anyone for anything they do, now. I have three left that are minors that I have to worry about and graduate to legal adult.  I say legal adult, because in the eyes of the law, they are adults, in the eyes of anyone else, that’s left up to interpretations.  GOD told Moses to count only the males twenty and over as adult enough for any kind of military service. (Numbers).   A Levite could not start serving as a priest until thirty. (Leviticus, Ezekiel)

  I'm a wife, but cast aside by a husband who doesn't want to live the Christian life anymore, after 30 years.  I'm not an ex, I'm not the current, but by law, I'm the one who gets to pull the plug.   I'm not old as some would see it, but I'm not young as others would see it. I'm at that dreadful middle-age.  You know, smack dab in the middle, wishing I was young, but not stupid, yet, wishing I was a golden-oldie,  almost done, packing up and getting ready for retirement in Paradise with Jesus.  I’m a nobody who can probably relate to just about everybody.  I’ve been through it all in this fiery furnace of affliction.  

These past years in the furnace, I’ve studied just about every main character in the Bible, backward and forward in order to find some semblance of hope that the fire will go out someday, and the furnace door will open, and I will be delivered from the fire, while in the fire.   Those are my BBF's, (Bible Best Friends), and they all gave me a  reason to put my feet on the floor in the morning, besides my children, who now only have one parent full-time, and another who is paying his "guilt-offering," so he can run off and be with another.  

So, daily, I ask GOD, who am I?  Why did all this awful stuff happen to me?  I’ve lived Job’s life, only not so immediate, but I’ve suffered gradual losses over the years, the kind that just keep picking away pieces of your heart, until you think there’s nothing left to pick away or give away.  There has to be some kind of “Biblical” reason for it, as Romans 8:28 says. (I really hate that verse, it’s never good news when one hears that verse.) I do not handle loss very well, in fact, I handle it quite badly, because I love too big. 

So, I guess: I'm Abram - called out of Ur or in my case – Massachusetts, away from my family of non-believers.  

I'm Leah - the rejected wife who was a dirty man's trick to a "trickster," who competed w/a beauty queen, then her ghost.   

I'm Jacob - the trickster, trying to manipulate GOD, losing all the time, because I'm slow learner

I'm Joseph - rejected by my siblings as the different one, imprisoned for not doing "it" Egypt's way.

I'm Ruth - married to Mahlon, the weakling with no future, a Moabite woman, wishing there was a Boaz for me.

I'm Hannah- barren with no spiritual descendants to speak of waiting for GOD to give me spiritual children.  Worse even than that;

 I’m Peninnah - her rival, used only as a wife to pop out a bunch of babies, because the “wife” my husband really loved, couldn’t.   

I'm David- hunted by a mad king (the devil) wanting to kill me, yet suffering the consequences of my sins brought on by my rebellious discouragement and sinful desire to get even with GOD for breaking my heart.  Yeah, I’m that petty.  

I'm Josiah - The Law has been found under my watch, but GOD's subjects prefer it their own way, as in the book of Judges.

I'm Jeremiah - the weeping prophet with a fire burning inside me that I can't quench, GOD won't put out, and grieving for what I see as not just a lost sheep, but an entire field of them. 

I'm Daniel - trapped in an upper room with only Jesus as my friend, nose buried in the Word, if not in the carpet, sucking up prayer dust mixed with tears. (With an occasional Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-ego who show up at very opportune times, via Twitter, of course.)

I'm Zerubbabel - an exile, wondering if ever we will ever be able to back to Jerusalem and rebuild or are we lost forever, a people forsaken by GOD, so as it seems. 

I’m Paul, a former legalist, who was set apart (and very much alone) in the wilderness for a certain amount of years to learn to hear only the voice of GOD, and not cave to the voice of the masses.  Paul only took three years, (Galatians). I’m a very slow learner, it’s been eight so far for me.

I’m Peter – an impulsive loud mouth with a bit of a temper, who has trouble swearing I’ll do things, then finding I don’t have the strength or stamina to do them, constantly feeling like a failure. 

What about you?  Who are you?  Can you identify with one of these? Maybe you can identify with all of them, like I can. Are you a seed in the soil like me, covered up, buried in the dirt where it's dark, damp and you feel quite alone and despaired wanting to break out of your shell?  Maybe you have a dream bigger than the prison in which your trapped? David did, Joseph did, Jacob did, Josiah did, Daniel did, Zerubbabel did, Ezra and Nehemiah did, and a host of others.

I see Zerubbabel’s prophecy coming to pass at this particular time in history.  It is a prophecy that has been completely ignored by every Bible scholar, the commentators are sketchy on what it meant and why it’s there in Haggai chapter 2.  That’s a hint, you’ll have to go look it up.  It’s in the end of the chapter. Likewise, they were clueless about Zechariah's eight visions, which I think I see happening at this present time. 

Time will tell, because GOD never gave a prophecy that made sense to any of the prophets until after it was fulfilled.  Remember, future proves the past, so after the event, we can go back into the prophecies and see what we thought was just GOD exaggerating or being poetic, was really Him giving us hints and clues of what is to come.  If anyone tells you they have the keys to the end times, consider them a false prophet, because none of us will truly know or understand GOD's time-line until AFTER it has come to pass and played out in the end for GOD's Glory, the Kingdom's sake and in the name of Jesus. 

Curiosity doesn't kill cats.  

     Contrary to popular believe, curiosity doesn't actually kill cats, as a matter of fact, it saves souls, breeds life, and give hope to the despaired. It educates, seeks out truth, opens the mind, eyes and expands the horizon for the curious fellow who needs to know. For the research junkie like myself, it's my bread and butter. Curiosity cures what ails us the most, ignorance and apathy, the two worst plagues that divide humans and breads discontent.     As we have experienced these past two years, it is so much easier to believe a lie we are told over and over again, because it takes too much time and effort to search for the answers ourselves. As faulty humans with faulty reasoning, we just choose to believe what we've heard a thousand times from who we think are reliable sources. It makes sense to us, because they are experts at sounding like experts, when in all actuality, they are just propagandists.

     Many times, we are looking for someone to validate our point of view, so we will seek out only those who agree with us. We don't want to take another persona's view in mind and consider it, because that might require effort, humanity and worst of all, humility. GOD knows how much we hate to admit that we might have been wrong. There is no one who hates doing that more than yours truly. I've been stuffed with more humble pie than your average middle-ager, because I'm particularly stubborn, a trait my late mother gave me, thanks a lot mom!   It goes against everything human to swallow a dish full of humble pie, let alone an entire bakery's worth. I do not presume to be right all the time. I'm sure that I am wrong a lot. Because I've been wrong a lot and stubborn, I expect my readers to fact check and double fact check my blogs in regards to the Bible. I will include Bible passages in these blog, however, I expect you to go find them yourself. I'll give you the estimate GPS, but you will have to actually drive to that location with your fingertips. You will have to read the passages before and after to make sure that I've used the Scripture in context. In that way, you will learn the context.

   That is how I learned the Bible so well. I always wanted to prove someone wrong, so I would check out every passage I read in a blog or a book. I checked out the passages before and after, and then I checked out the historical context. That's a research junkie's curse, we can't help ourselves. We cannot learn the Bible by being lazy just taking someone's word for it, or let them spoon-feed us passages.  By not understanding the full context and historical context of the Bible, one may end up following any whack-job that calls themselves a prophet. Believe me, there are millions out there who do. One thing I have learned is that if a person is a self-proclaimed prophet, then that indeed is all they are, self-proclaiming and not GOD ordaining.

    GOD has put it on my heart to write this book, and I have stubbornly refused. Because of that stubborn streak in me, He keeps sending "spankings" from Above. If GOD spanks you, consider it a compliment from GOD. He doesn't spank those who He knows will not be humble enough to learn, or who will refuse to say those words we fight like anything to avoid, "I was wrong, now I apologize, will you forgive me?"  I hope that my blog blesses you. It is my second attempt. I had a blog for three years which got a lot of exposure and over 130K readers, and in one of my usual toddler-temper tantrums with GOD, because I couldn't get what I wanted my own way in my own time, I deleted it. So, here I am, again, starting all over, again. I plan to use much of what I wrote before, because I got the same response from people, over and over.  Please feel free to comment, good or bad. We never know how we are doing until someone either rebukes us or commends us.