Are you mad at God?
My best friend of over
twenty-seven years would continue to say to me, “Kristina, how can you be mad
at God. Stop, I’m afraid for you.” She was afraid GOD would punish me for being human. She was the dearest woman in my life, and
never were there two more opposite sisters who weren’t related by blood, but by
Christ. We grew up in completely different environments. She grew up in a
loving home with Christian parents, going to church every Sunday, hearing and
learning all the wonderful Biblical stories. She has treasured memories of
church camps, youth group meetings, and feeling loved by Jesus. She says
she always felt like the different one in her family, the black sheep, as some
would call it. That is the ONLY thing we have in common. She felt that
she was the “rebellious” one, and I felt like I was the tender one, picked on,
the vulnerable walking target. I grew up in a cold, hard, “survival of the
fittest" environment with two parents who hated each other.
Their divorce was so nasty, that if they were presidents of different countries, they would have annihilated each other, and their citizens, us their children. Did they do it on purpose? Of course not, my parents did the best they could with what they knew, with what they grew up with themselves. Neither of them grew up in a Godly home. Their parents did not grow up in a Godly home, and so on and so on. My best friend was taught the fear of God as a properly balanced reverence for Him. I was taught to blame others. My mother blamed my father for everything that went wrong, even if he had nothing to do with it. If the toilet backed up, it was his fault, even if he hadn’t lived in the home in three years, it was still his fault. So, imagine growing up hearing that, what’s a girl to do, but to blame her Heavenly father for everything that has gone wrong? I gave my heart, soul, and life and all my endeavors in dedication to God, yet I have been crushed by one heart break after another. Back about fourteen years ago, I was so angry over a devastating blow to my heart that I walked away from GOD for over two years. I wanted nothing to do with Him. The spirit was dead inside me and my mad took over any love I had for Him. So, GOD let that experience in the wilderness teach me lessons I never would have learned had I not been forced out there to wander. I think He best answers that question through the greatest king who ever lived, the man known as “the man after God’s own heart,” David.
I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
I pour out before him my complaint; before him I tell of my trouble. When my
spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way. Psalm 142: 1-3
David spent thirteen years, give or take, running from a mad king who grew more insane by the year. Get this, an entire army for thirteen years could not find one man and execute him. Why? Because he was God’s man. So, hypothetically, I’m David, I’m in the cave of Addullam, Every single day I question GOD. Where are your promises? Are they coming at all? Did you really promise them?” Does God understand our frustration? Does God understand our hurt and confusion? The unequivocal answer is YES!
Like a toddler
or a pre-schooler, I’m mad at my Parent because he won’t let me have what I
want. Do you get angry with your toddlers or pre-schoolers or adolescents just
because they don’t understand why you do things for their good? Well, our Creator doesn’t get angry with us
for not understanding and for being human.
ADDENDUM
This is an old
post from a defunct blog page I had about six years ago, and I’ve edited
it just a bit, but the same sentiment is there, the same mad and frustration. I’ve
spent the last six years trying to talk myself out of the mad or stuffing it,
until today. Today the Holy Spirit
taught me that my mad was so deep in my soul that I could not cut all the way
through it, myself. Only GOD can heal
it, so I just need to learn to live
with it until He heals it.
That was HUGE!
It was freedom, freedom to cry, freedom to tell GOD everyday how much He has
disappointed me when the mad takes over, which lately is more often than the
gratitude and worship for what I do have. So, is it okay to be mad at God? The
answer, “It’s okay to be human and be mad at our Parent like our toddlers are
sometimes mad at us. GOD says, “I AM bigger than your mad, and I will heal you,
some day.”
