Stuck in the Hallway of HELL and How Mormons Taught How to Sit it Out!
Writing these blog posts have become more and more difficult the longer I've been walking with GOD. You'd think it would be easier, right? Well, when you've lived in the Hallway of Hell for five, seven, nine, or even twelve years, writing becomes very difficult because the Hallway is so dark, you can't read either. You can't see anything but streams of light poking out from under the doors on the right.
GOD gave me a picture of this Hallway of Hell that I've been in, because I operate in pictures, metaphors. It's my native tongue. So, I've been in this hallway, it's dark, and I've been camped here, against my will for a long stinking time. The longer I'm in here the more I'm banging on the doors to the right, or kicking the walls, pounding them with my fists, desperate to get out until I lose all hope of ever leaving. In this dark hallway there are three doors to my left, slightly behind me, and three doors to my right, slightly before me. The doors have titles on them. On the left are the doors that say, OCTOMOM, WIFE, and CHURCH. These doors are bolted shut, like a bank vault. There is no way to open these doors. There's no combination lock, and there are no door handles, and nothing but darkness from under the doorway.
The doors on my right also have titles, WIFE, JUBILEE DREAM, PARADISE. They all have light beaming through from under the door, a really bright light, enough to light up the hallway for me to see ever so slightly in this darkened Hallway of Hell that GOD dropped me in some time ago. The doors on the left didn't all slam shut all at the same time, they closed rather slowly, and the last door to close happened last week. Let me tell you, I don't know when I've ever been more angry with GOD, then when that last door closed. I mean, I really hated Him because of the way He closed it. Under WIFE, was the words, Divorce Decree.
Yeah, I probably could have handled widowhood better than the devastation of a demeaning divorce. I did not cooperate with the divorce. I even told the judge, with all due respect, that GOD's decrees are higher than his decrees, and the man may think he's putting our marriage asunder in this no-fault divorce, but to GOD with a Covenant Marriage, it held no weight with Him. GOD's Gavel carried more weight than this divorce court's gavel. I even compared his divorce lawyer with and abortionist. That did not go over very well with her, but ask me if I care if her feelings were hurt. Isn't that what no-fault divorce is? Isn't it killing the one-flesh without the victim's permission or cooperation?
The other door, OCTOMOM, means of course that we had eight babies. Eight babies means eight baby dedications, eight times we vowed to stay married and raise our children in a loving Christian home, raising them in church. If I had known how hard it was going to be when the birdies left the nest, I may not have laid so many eggs. Six down, two more devastating depression months to go. (It takes that long for me to stop crying.)
Then, comes the CHURCH door. I bet you're saying, "Wait, the last door GOD would close and lock would be the church door. I mean, the divorce and children growing up is normal, it happens, but GOD would never boot you from His church." That church door closing is Him calling me out of the church.
So, seeing how GOD put me in the darkened hallway and closed the other doors, He is obligated to get me out of this hallway that I've been trapped in for twelve, nine, seven, and five years. I started to fear that the furthest door away, the one that said PARADISE, was the only door that was going to open, and it was years away. I just can't last years here in this darkened hallway. The oxygen level is just too low. Too much carbon dioxide being breathed out in my temper tantrums, and not enough life-giving, praise worthy Holy Spirit oxygen.
As I wrote in my previous blog, that damned four-letter-word, F-E-A-R was the foundation behind every tear, every fit, every time I banged on one of those doors, left or right to get them to open until my hands are raw with exposed skin. All I have been able to do is lay on the ground and suck in any light that is coming through from under those doors on the right. They are my only hope of getting out of this horrible hallway.
The only door I know for sure that will open is PARADISE, the door that says WIFE, and JUBILEE DREAM, I just don't know what's behind them. I don't know if they are going to open. I know that behind JUBILEE DREAM has something to do with my writing and leaving the church for a new thing GOD is doing. (Isaiah 43:19).
Well, some ex-Mormon testimonies gave me just a little more oxygen to keep me going. One in particular said that he was searching for GOD, serving in the Mormon Temple, trying to work his way up to exaltation, the celestial reward. He never realized the the True GOD was with him that whole time, while he served in the Temple, waiting in silence for the right time to speak to his heart. He said that GOD had allowed him to go that far up into Mormonism, because what he did there would be good preparation for the work GOD would have him do when he left. GOD was with him, not blessing his work in that false religion, but walking with him nonetheless. Then it hit me. GOD is in this Hallway of Hell with me, also, He hasn't left for even a nano-second. Maybe I can't see which door will open, but whichever door He opens, I'll be happy with. It's just this damn dark hallway. Of course, it wouldn't be one of my blogs if I didn't end it with a song, right? So, I'll wait for Him.
I'm not sure if I still believe in fairy tale-endings, I'd like to, but whatever He chooses I know will be best for me. He knows what I need most.
