It All Goes Back To Original Sin

    I  have this person who came into my life in 2016. The thing that attracted me to her and her to me was my relationship with GOD. She liked what I had to say and the answers I gave her when she asked me questions. They were very different from her Pentecostal upbringing, which just did not sit right with her. Her mother was extremely judgmental toward anyone who did not think like her. 

  In 2019 when she needed a favor she got back in touch with me and I took her in. She was escaping an abusive background. At that time, I was in no place to minister to her about YHVH GOD because I was in a dark place myself, but I let her move in.  That did not go over well with my family.  After a few months, she began to pick fights with me and then left abruptly.  She came back into my life a few years later and needed another favor, and of course, I jumped in to help, and then again, she started picking fights with me after the favor. In the meantime, I had learned that she "had picked a fight with GOD" and had become an agnostic.  This year, she came back into my life, and again, she needed a really huge favor, and again, I got in trouble with my family for letting her move back in with us for a limited time. She continued to need my help and I helped her.  After a few weeks, when I asked a favor from her, I noticed she started to pick fights with me again, this time over President Trump. She was scraping the bottom of the barrel to find something to fight with me about because I was not witnessing to her about GOD, knowing she had developed a hatred for all thing relating to YHVH GOD.   I tried to get her to not pay attention to all the news, but she continued to antagonize me, until we got into another spat and she broke off contact with me, again.  

    So, I asked GOD, why has this happened three times, and the answer I got was not what most people would think. She wasn't using me for what she could get out of me. She genuinely appreciated my help.  She's is fiercely independent, and she hates being obligated to anyone.  She hated that she "owed" me, so it was easier to get angry with me and find fault with me than to owe me any debt.  This way, if she could find fault with me it erased any debt she had to me.  

   Then, GOD showed me that's how people treat Him. We will find fault GOD with Him, any little thing we can find so we do not owe Him our obedience.  I'm guilty of the exact same thing at times. I've done this many times.  If I can find a reason to be frustrated or angry with GOD it erases my debt of total submission and giving up my complete autonomy.  Then, of course, if we cannot find fault with Him, what we do is bring Him down to our human level, hence make Him our buddy who has a "boys-will-be boys" attitude.  As long as we believe Jesus died for our sins, we are safe and good, because salvation is by faith alone, right?  Sadly, it doesn't work like that. 

   If one really reads the Whole Counsel of GOD, whenever His people turned away from Him, He let bad things happen to them, then they found reason to erase their debt to Him and follow after other gods.  It happened over and over again in the historicity of Scriptures.  If the entity is bad, we owe them nothing no matter what good they did in the past.  We do it with people, we do it with GOD, but we don't do it with Jesus, because well, Jesus is different from GOD. (Faulty human logic, but if it works for us, we are going to stick with it.)  I know you say that's not right, but believe it or not, people actually believe that Jesus is a kinder more passive God, than the GOD of the Old Testament.  It's true that most Christians believe that and it's a terrible lie. 

    GOD brought it all home to me with that simple phrase from above.  We don't want Him to have complete Sovereignty and autonomy over our lives, after all, He gave us free will right, so, lets take advantage of it.  We are told that our sins are forgiven once we "ask Jesus into our hearts," past, present and future.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. GOD's promises to us are conditional based on our obedience. (Deuteronomy 28) A long time ago, after my husband first left me, when I was searching for a new man in my life, EVERY man I spoke to when asked about sex before marriage gave me the same answer.  "Well, I know it's wrong, but that's what Grace is for, my sins will be forgiven."  

    If we intentionally sin with the attitude that it will be forgiven after the fact, then we are using Grace and Free will as a license to live in sin, and that is man's doctrine, not GOD's.  Adam was the first to sin, he changed GOD's word, Eve was the second, she gave in to the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and pride of life. She wanted to be like GOD, and when she didn't die by just touching it, she assumed GOD lied to her.  Hence, if He lied, she doesn't owe him her obedience.  

   Maybe Adam should not have changed the command from not to eat it to "don't even touch it, or you will die."  Job 42:7 is a warning I never really took very seriously because I never really knew it was there.  GOD's wrath burned against Job's friends because they lied about GOD.  Maybe we should stop lying to ourselves about YHVH GOD so we can have our own way and erase our obligation to Him? 

LOVE'S MUSES AND SILLY PUTTY PEOPLE

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite chapters. Okay, well, most of my chapters are my favorite!  However, I saw this post on X and I just had to post it this excerpt.  LOVE'S MUSES is jam-packed with Wisdom from Above.  

(In this scene, the teacher is teaching the country artist the two different kind of people in this world, modeling clay and silly putty people.)

    “As I see it, there are two kinds of people in this world, modeling clay people and Silly Putty people. Silly putty was created by accident in 1943 by an engineer named James Wright. He was trying to create a synthetic rubber needed during World War II. When he combined boric acid and silicone oil, he found it formed an interesting goo. The goo could bounce and be stretched further than rubber. It had a much higher melting temperature and did not collect mold, but it was definitely not a good substitute for rubber, obviously. Wright did multiple experiments with it to try and find some useful purpose for it and could find none. He sent it to scientists around the world who also could find no useful purpose for it. The only thing it seemed to be good for was mild entertainment. Eventually, even the entertainment factor wears off, and is usually discarded at some point. No matter how much you pinch it, stretch it, reshape it, or flatten it, in time, it will always return to its original bland-colored boring shape with no useful purpose. Now, when we consider modeling clay, we know that an artist can create anything with it. There are two kinds, oil-based and water based. It can be created into a variety of useful products, a pot, a vase, bowls, plates, or just a beautiful piece of art. With water-based clay, firing it solidifies it, and it retains the beautiful shape, or purpose for which it was created. If it is an oil-based clay, it can stay the shape and purpose the potter has created it for, until the potter decides he wants to use if for another purpose. Then he can re-work it to reshape, remold, and recreate. I surely hope that you are starting to see the correlation here, between Silly Putty people and modeling clay people, because even my kindergarten kids can get this metaphor.”

     “I do, Teach, and it is astounding. You say this is an original Katerina, isn’t it?” He said butchering the accent, again. She laughed shaking her head no.

     “Yes, is that so hard to believe that I could come up with something so deep, yet, so simple? Do you think all my wisdom or intelligence has come from Matthew?”

     “No, I did not mean that. I just love that it comes from you. I love anything that comes from this wonderful brain, or heart,” he said as he pointed first to her head, second her heart. “So, am I modeling clay?” He asked.

    “As sweet as you are, I surely hope so. Silly Putty people are arrogant and stubborn. They are impossible to live with, work with, and many times, hard to love, because of their tendency to return to their non-useful purpose in life. I’ve only known those kinds of men. Michael started out a prodigal from the first day I met him. Matthew thought I could straighten him out and ground him, which I did, but being Silly Putty, he returned like a dog to its vomit. Gross, but accurate. Matthew is, of course, modeling clay and the easiest kind to work with. I’ve always thought of Scotty as Silly Putty, but lately, I’m starting to think that he may be more like modeling clay, as this broken contrite man, so there is hope for him, yet.” Nick lowered his head with discouragement, rubbing the back of his neck. “What’s the matter?”

       “Well, if he’s modeling clay, then you may change your mind about him, thus you may marry him after all.” She picked up his hands and shook her head. She kissed his hands.

       “Honestly, for a super-hunk, you really are insecure, now, aren’t you? Matthew is modeling clay, I don’t want to marry him, nor did I ever. I’m not in love with Scotty, I told you that. Now, if it turns out that he is modeling clay, well it will only make me respect, admire, honor and love him more as the wonderful man he is, that is love, that is not shiver.”

 If you want to listen to the whole chapter, you can hear it hear. Love's Muses and Silly Putty People

    I truly believe this quote below.  When we are making GOD's approval of us our number one priority, we will be shocked at what He produces through us. 

 WHEN MAN GOES UP AGAINST GOD TO BUILD AN EMPIRE OF HIS OWN

(The final downfall of Quest Community Church )    

     After watching a very disturbing documentary about how a corporate entity under the guise of an evangelical organization bamboozled and gaslighted a well-established and healthy, happy congregation, I've decided to post the letter I wrote back in 1997. Watching that docuseries about a hostile  church takeover brought back all those painful memories of when we experienced that heart break almost thirty years ago.  I cannot specifically give you the date that I saw this downfall coming, but I can give you the year.  It was 1997, we were a young family with three young children enjoying the fellowship of a healthy local congregation when the ambitions of one of the associate pastors wreaked havoc on a healthy and loving church family.  

     It was the beginning of the Seeker Sensitive movement, and a man name Bill Hybels was making a name for himself with his new brand of church.  He was the first generation of today's rock-star pastors of  mega churches built without the power of GOD, but by ingenuity of man by the spirit and power of the adversary, dressed up neatly under the disguise of evangelism.  Our associate pastor was awed by this man's ability to draw a crowd, and I'm convinced this youthful pastor was envisioning a mega church of his own, not for the glory of GOD, but the glory of man, only he did not know that himself.  I remember seeing the stars in his eyes at the very first meeting when he presented this evangelical outreach opportunity.  I  was in my early thirties and only about seven years-old-in-Christ, but I could see the writing on the wall clear as day, even if no one else saw it.  The leadership of this well-established strong congregation got caught up in this hell-fire of an idea with visions of being a part of a new burgeoning movement, one that would "put them on the map!"  

    As my husband and I watched this new church plant at its roots, we noticed something was just not right. Root rot was taking hold, and there was not good fruit coming from this branch.  When we voiced our opposition, we were told we were troublemakers getting in the way of a work from GOD.  This younger sect, only a decade younger than us was hell-bent on turning our stable congregation into a seeker-sensitive mega-church.  We watched founding family members leave one by one, with broken hearts and spirits. Children were hurt as they were ripped from dear friends that they had made from as early as their nursery days to being crying high schoolers as they were torn away by their broken-hearted and angry parents. Brothers and sisters in-Christ who were once loving siblings in the family of GOD became bitter enemies

    When I sent the following letter to the elders, I was promptly shown the door and told that we were no longer welcome back into this congregation.  At first, I was devastated, until the phone calls began pouring in from the previous founding members who had already left.  It seems my letter was leaked and made the rounds to many families who were long gone.  They were all telling me how grateful they were that I was able to put into words what they had been feeling all along as they watch their beloved church family go through a terrible church split.  One of those calls came from Lexington's beloved news anchor John Lindgren. I did not even know this man, but when he got a copy of the letter, he actually called me from the news studio and thanked me.  That was my first hint that some day I might end up as a writer, and it would take upwards of twenty-five years before that actually happened.  

   This is the letter that got me in trouble with the leadership and kicked out of the first church we invested our lives and family in  right after we moved here to Kentucky from Massachusetts. It was a heart breaking time, but isn't that how YVHV grows us up into adults under Him?  It's always in the fiery furnace of affliction that we learn the most valuable of lessons in Him.  Maybe you have seen your own congregation sliding down this slippery slope, but can't put your finger on what just does not feel right in your own spirit.  I've made no changes to it since 1997, so if it's a difficult read, you'll understand how much I've changed and grown as a writer in the past thirty or so years. 

THE NEW QUEST CHURCH AND THE SEEKER-ORIENTED MOVEMENT 

TO THE ELDER BOARD:

An examination of the seeker movement, as based on the new Quest Service at First Alliance Church which is modeled after the services at Willow Creek, near Chicago, pastored by Bill Hybels..  

By Kristina Sakowich. 

The following assessments are based solely on personal reflection and spiritual and Biblical searching done by myself and with no outside information gathered.  

     It is plain to see that we are using modern day man-made marketing strategies to try to draw people to the church.  In Jer. ch 7 the Lord says "Do not trust in deceptive words and say, "This is the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord!" Paul says in Galatians  Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God?  Or an I trying to please men?... I want you to know, brothers, that the gospel I preached is not something that man made up.  I did not receive it from any man or was I taught it; rather I received it by revelation from Jesus Christ.   It is not uncommon for a church these days to use marketing techniques or hire consulting firms to attempt to cause an increase in giving or create “theme” churches or “themed sermons.”  

It seems we are trying to draw the current generation  to our church by using non-offensive language.  We don't say unsaved, we call it "unconvinced," or "irreligious,"  we don't say the word repentance, we call "changing  some of our wrong doings."  The Bible is clear about them who would be our listeners.  "To whom can I speak and give warning?  Who will listen to me?  Their ears are closed, so they cannot hear.  The word of the Lord is offensive to them; they find no pleasure in it."  Paul says in 2nd Cor. ch. 2 "For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.  To the one we are the smell of death; to the other the fragrance of life."  In Quest they were hiding the Bible and hymnals and any other "churchy" thing so as to not offend those who come in.  Opening and examining of Scripture is not encouraged or done during the Quest service, as that is seen as "barrier" to people who are the present day "seekers."  Other practices used are changing the sanctuary to an "auditorium,"  hiding "churchy type" things, and "churchy" words such as repentance so as not to "sound churchy", (these quotes were given to me by Quest people themselves.)   Let me remind you of some words of our Lord Jesus, in  Mark 8:38  "If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in the adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels."  Also His words in Matthew 24:35,  "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."  Hebrew 13:8 tell us that  "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Are we guilty of using man's wisdom (or “state of the art facilities)  to reach our neighbors instead of God's Holy Word and relying on God’s Holy Spirit and His power?  It is clear to many that the techniques learned at Willow Creek are "marketing strategies"  it  seems that we are marketing (selling) the church to the current politically correctness of today's culture in order to build the church and increase our number.   Paul makes this powerful claim in 1st Cor. ch. 1:17  "For Christ did not send me to baptize, but the preach the gospel, not with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.    Likewise, Paul says, "We have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.  This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths  in spiritual words 1Cor. 2:12-13   In proverbs we learn,  "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. Prov. 14:12.  God himself says in Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.  " As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  Paul says in 1st Cor. ch 2 "My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive word, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." Jesus simply told us to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey every thing I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age." 

      I have heard it said that the church needs to change with the times, let me remind you, that God is everlasting to everlasting.  He is unchanging.  If Christ were a Pastor in these times, would He think He needed to change with the times?  It has been said that we   are trying to reach a certain kind of person with a new "kind of church,"  we are reaching out to the sect of population that is anti-establishment, who doesn't trust church because of past hurts or reputations.  Let me assure you, I was one of those persons  just few years ago.  I was as left-winged and liberal in my thinking as the people  they are trying to reach, even more so.  I am a product of the 70's culture.  No new fancy, changed version of church caught my attention.  God's Holy Spirit drew me, God's Holy Word fed me.  I am living proof, God still moves in  His own way.  He doesn't need to change, He didn't for me.  I am the one who changed.  I didn't need Him to change for me, He required me to change for Him.        

     I believe in the "idea" of  a service that speaks in more simpler terms of how we need a Savior, and I believe we should reach out to our neighbors in the city with the saving news of Christ, but not at the expense of covering the truth of God with "non-offensive" words and ways.  Jesus says in Matthew 5:13 "You are the salt of the earth.  But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?  Think on the properties of salt; salt stings, but after it stings it heals.  Just like the Word of God, it stings at first, but after it stings, it heals.   Apparently, from what I have observed, the purpose of Quest is not to sting at all.   The "gospel" preached at Quest has no salt.  Paul states in 2Cor. 7:9-10,  "Yet now I am happy not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.  For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in anyway by us.  Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret.   Are we misleading people when we preach a "watered-down" version of the gospel, or when we spend more of that time preaching all the "warm-fuzzies" of God?  Why brothers are we not depending on the Holy Spirit to draw people into the Kingdom. When Jesus promised the disciples of the One to come, He said,  "When he comes he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgement:" Hebrews tells us, in verse 12 "For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account." Jesus also said "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him," John 6:44.  

     In Acts, the apostles were using their gifts from the Holy Spirit to share the good news of the Kingdom and to convict the people of their need to repent of their lifestyles and turn to Jesus.  They taught the people of their need of a Savior, Jesus and what does it say next?  "And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."  Peter's message to the people stated simply  "Repent and be baptized, everyone of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.  And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."  I was told that out of 28 weeks at Quest, (only) three weeks were on "the idea of repentance."  Jesus never spoke about the "idea of repentance."  His very first words in Mark are "The kingdom of God is near, Repent and believe the good news!"  John came to prepare the way, and his message was of a baptism of repentance.  John called the people to repent.  The Spirit of God is suppose to do the work of drawing people to church not our fancy fun filled “themes.”  We are to be light in a dark world, we are not to add darkness to it to "fit in", but shine bright so people can see us and then let the Holy Spirit do what God intends for Him to do.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?  Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? .. . Then come out from them and be separate, says the Lord, Touch no unclean thing, 2Cor ch 6:14b,17.  We don't need to change the church,  or bring the culture into the church, or to  step up to this culture, the culture and people need to change for God.   

          The premise of the seeker-sensitive church is to reach out to the "seeker" and answer him yet the Bible is clear that there is no such thing as a seeker.  The Bible tells us in Rom 3:11, that no one seeks God.  In John chapter 3 Jesus says, "The wind blows wherever it pleases.  You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."  We are not in control of the Spirit's calling.   The purpose of worship is just that WORSHIP of the Lord.  We must be careful not to allow ourselves to share in God’s Glory.  Isaiah 42:3-5 states,  I am the Lord, that is My name; I will not give (share) My glory to another, Nor My praise to graven images. (Italics mine.)  We need to be careful not to fall into the trap of taking credit for the Lord’s work, or overstepping the Lord’s work.

      As I re-read this letter, I'm simply amazed at how in 1997 at the birth of this movement, how very right I was.  Look what we have now, mega-church pastors are falling like flies embroiled in scandals of sexual and spiritual abuse.  It seems that twenty-eight years ago when everyone was falling for this new movement, I was predicting their downfall. I'm glad to know that GOD is bringing into light the deeds of darkness that men fell into assuming they could do evangelism better than Yeshua, the Son of GOD Himself.  YHVH GOD has proven that it man's ways fall short, terribly short.  

    Like the title of my blog, Living Like Jeremiah in Job's World, I'm watching the "temple" burn and it makes me very sad. Christianity has not gotten better over the decades, it's gotten worse, enough for me to have to finally leave it and denounce it to a degree.  I don't know if this blog helped you at all, but if you are seeing this kind of apostasy at your healthy congregations, maybe these words will help you help your church elders find their way back to the old way, the ancient paths that YHVH GOD calls us back to. 

It’s that Damned Four-Letter F-Word Every Time!

    Every bad decision I have ever made was because of that damned four-letter-F word, and I’m not talking about the obvious. Oh, yeah, I use that word way too many times, but I've improved much lately.  In New England, that four-letter word is used in all 8 parts of speech like any other normal word, so some habits are harder to break.  Like Isaiah, I am a woman of unclean lips. One night, while crying, talking to GOD, like I do all the time, GOD asked me a question. The Holy Spirit asked me,  “Kristina, why are you crying?” I knew the answer immediately as if GOD Himself fed the answer to me before I finished "hearing" the question. It’s the four-letter F-word, the devil’s most useful tool he uses against us.

F -E- A- R

    I realized that night, for the first time that nearly every bad decision or stupid impulsive deed I ever make has a foundation in FEAR. He then reminded me of the Biblical heroes who were total screw-ups. Almost every bad decision was grounded in FEAR. The first generation of Israelites, who saw the Mighty Hand of GOD deliver them from Pharaoh, were condemned to forty years of wandering in the wilderness, and not allowed to enter the promise land simply because fear spread like a wildfire in the dry wilderness. Ten out of the twelve spies lit a fire of fear into the mass population. All it took was ten people to spread fear like leprosy among the two-million newly delivered wanderers. Fear, like leprosy contaminates the whole body just by going near it. Fear is the spark in a dry valley of kindling wood. All it takes is one spark, and the entire forest goes up in flames.

    When I started to think about my depression and despair battles, GOD showed me that FEAR was the motivating factor. I’m depressed because I think that GOD will never rescue me from this nineteen-year slide down into the valley of Achor. Despair is just fear on steroids. Despair is the fear that life will never get better. Then I started thinking about what other bad decisions we make.

      Nearly every sin we commit is baptized in fear. Why don’t we return to GOD when we have strayed? It is the fear that GOD could not forgive us for how far we’ve fallen, the fear of having to admit that we fell that far, and the shame that will accompany that fear. So, to avoid the FEAR and SHAME we choose to live in DENIAL. Do you see a pattern here? It seems that all the devil’s best weapons are grounded in fear and are used effectively to keep us from becoming the masterpieces GOD intends to create in us. The last thing the devil wants is for us to fulfill the destiny GOD has written for us, so he pulls out his most effective tools, PRIDE, SHAME, and DENIAL which all have a foundation of FEAR.

    If we really stop to think about it, and I mean, really wrap our brains around the reasons we commit most sins, almost every single thing we do that we know is wrong is founded in some hidden fear. I know that every tear I cry is wet with fear. I keep saying to GOD, “But GOD, if I only knew for sure that You were going to do thus and so, I wouldn’t cry.” He reminds me every time of how many times He has assured me that He will do thus and so, and how many times He has proven it to me. Yet, FEAR is alive and well in my heart., My next question was, “So, why do I fear so much, when will it ever stop?” The answer, I got was NEVER. For as long as there is a devil, there will always be fear. This a battle that we will have to fight every day that we breathe. Until we are safe and secure in our Heavenly dwelling, fear will be our constant unwelcomed companion.

    I see myself in David because he is the biggest screw-up with the best heart to whom I can relate. Yes, the brave warrior, David, had a horrible battle with fear. One of the very worst things he did was living as a prodigal for sixteen months with the Philistines, killing innocent men, women, and children for profit, making sure no one survived to rat him out to his Philistine commander, and embezzling off the top, for himself, thus making him a mass murderer and an embezzler. He walked away from the promise, because he feared King Saul would kill him, thus he hid behind enemy lines and participated in their sin against GOD. (1 Samuel 27: Then David said to himself, “Now I will perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than to safely escape into the land of the Philistines. Then Saul will despair of searching for me anymore in all the territory of Israel, and I will escape from his hand.”)

    Thirty years later, trying to cover up his sin with Bathsheba, his crimes against Uriah were fraught with fear. Fear of getting caught as an adulterer was the motivating factor behind his elaborate scheme to try and get Uriah to sleep with his wife, to cover her pregnancy, but when Uriah proved more noble than David, the fear of the shame motivated him to have Uriah killed in the battle field.  If He called a screw-up like David, "a man after His own heart," or forgave King Manasseh, who flooded the streets of Jerusalem with innocent blood from one end of the city to the other. (2 Chronicles 33), there is no low that is too low, regardless of what you think or believe.     The devil is very sly, he knows very well how to disguise fear. 

    Think about why do we commit sexual sin? For most of us, it is the fear of never being truly loved, (again). Why don’t we love? Well, there’s that fear of getting hurt. Sometimes, he uses lust of the flesh to disguise fear. For me, fear has so crippled me that I have no friends and I want no friends, because everyone I have ever loved has broken my heart. So, I’ve cocooned myself here, up in my room, and my only friend is my desktop, it can’t hurt me. Impending being divorced had me hiding under the bed, like a scared cat.

    Pride is another disguise of fear. Pride keeps us from admitting that we are depraved sinners who can't help ourselves with what we do and do not know. What we do not know or what we cannot control fears us. We feel the need to be in total control of our lives, because we fear our life circumstances outside of our control.   Hate is a great disguise of fear on steroids. Hate is us fearing what or who we do not know or trust. Like Big-Tech censoring us, the people running big tech silence us out of the fear of what we will say. We silence those from who we fear the most. We fear those who will make us feel guilty, so we ignore them. 

   We block out of our lives those we know truly do love us. Our pride tells us that person will make us feel less of the person we wish we were. Apologies never happen, because of fear. Most of all, we fear the humbling effect of admitting we may have been wrong. Mistrust, I think that’s an obvious manifestation of fear. I know that I will never trust another man again, or so I say. Why? FEAR of getting my heart broken, again.  Let me assure you that you have not exceeded God's reach of His Amazing Grace of forgiveness.  If God's Grace can cover David and King Manasseh, we have nothing to fear by coming clean with God, allowing Him the room in our hearts to feel His love and Grace.

    The next time you do something you know is the wrong, ask yourself, “Is fear the founding factor for doing this?” In most cases, I believe that you will find fear disguised in either shame, pride, or denial. I have been putting off writing this blog post, and GOD asked me why. My answer was, “What’s the use? No one will see it.” Here, fear is disguised as procrastination. I knew GOD wanted me to write this, but my frustration with GOD over my fear that He would never deliver me from this sadness kept me from obeying Him. It’s that damned four-letter F-word every time.

    While looking up some Scriptures, I went to my favorite on-line Bible, Biblegateway and this is what I saw! Now, how about that for GOD's signs and confirmations! Today's verse of the day!

 I WILL NOT PUT A DRESS, A VEIL, AND A BOW-TIE ON DIVORCE BECAUSE SIN IS GROTESQUE  

     My husband and I married 40 years ago this year, vowing never to divorce.  We had a Covenant Marriage ceremony on our fifth anniversary after we had become Born-Again Christians, vowing again to never divorce. During all eight baby dedications we re-vowed to raise all our babies in a Godly home and to never divorce.  We vowed to remain in a loving nurturing husband, wife, relationship as  father and mother to  our children so they could be raised in a s secure environment where they knew they were loved. A human judge tried to get me to gloss over my Covenant husband's decision to buy himself a NO-FAULT divorce, well I say, HELL NO!  I will not put a dress on his actions and just write off everything we vowed, and tried to build so he can destroy it, and walk away free and clear.  I will never lie to my children, ever.  I grew up with all liars, I will not repeat history, even if their father wants history repeated.  I contested the divorce and told the judge that the GOD of the universe would overrule him.  Not only did I not sign the papers, but until six months ago, I never even kept a copy of the divorce papers. I put them where GOD would have put them, in the trash.  I knew if I read them it would cause more division between my husband and I, and that I would hate him all the more.  Sadly, I needed the papers for a legal matter and had to have my Covenant husband make a copy for me.  It was an eye opener when I did read them and found out what was in them.  I'll just leave it at that, but I have grounds to protect myself if I have to. I don't believe I will have to go back to court, because the Lawgiver who wrote the Laws of the Universe will protect me as He always has. The divorce judge tried to tell me that I could not discuss the divorce with my children as if he had a right to strip me of my right to free speech. 

 I refuse to let that judge tell me how to raise my children and strip me of my Constitutional right to free speech.  That judge may have demanded I remain silent, but I answer to YHVH GOD alone.   I will not say, "Well, daddy just decided to love someone else besides the woman to whom he married and vowed ten times to be faithful to, but we must respect his decision."  I refuse to participate in what GOD says He hates.    People advised me to get a lawyer and fight him, and fight for them and get all I can get from their father.  That did not happen. My Lawyer sat right next to me, although, I was the only one who knew He was there.  My husband  divorced me after 35 devoted years over Skype, behind a monitor and with a  lawyer whom I compared to an abortionist, because she murders the one-flesh.  My Lawyer told me that when he divorced me and himself from his vows to YHVH GOD, he divorced himself from the One Whom he vowed to.  He may still attend church, but YHVH GOD is not with him, a sad fact he cannot see himself.  it is much like when YHVH GOD's spirit King Saul and Samson, neither one noticed.   

I tried my hardest to talk him out of this divorce. I pleaded with him, begged him, and told him that the repercussions would be irreparable, especially with his children, and four years has passed, and what I feared has come to pass.  I did not try to destroy his relationship with his children, I kept trying to repair it, however, he never cooperated with that effort.  I watched what happened to my father with his remaining five children happen to my own husband and children's father, and it grieves me so.  It was six years after he told me that he was going to divorce me that he finally did it, after he got a big windfall inheritance.  Since his first big purchase with that inheritance was retaining a divorce lawyer, his money is running out like a leaky faucet.  He can't see that as GOD's doing either.  He used what GOD gave him to do something the devil led him to do.  He admitted to me that GOD was not telling him to divorce me, so he admitted to going against YHVH GOD, the One he doesn't like.  He much prefers the one he created in his own image.  He divorced me to keep me from his money, but GOD has taken it from him anyway.   

  I want my children to hate divorce as much as GOD and I do, but I realized that even though I grew up in the most nastiest of divorces as did my husband, we did not really understand the devastation of it back then, after all, everyone was doing it.  I was a teenager when it happened to me as a child, hence it wasn't until I hit middle age, and as a devoted servant of GOD, that I truly understood the tragedy of it.  I did not appreciate the devastation it caused my own mother back then, and I'm sorry I was not able to be more of a help for her.  Sadly, my children will never truly understand it either, unless it happens to them, which I pray it does not.   

To make matters even worse, he is divorced me on the 36th anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him.  GOD is Sovereign over every detail of our lives, and the irony of the first hearing being on the day my husband asked me to marry him is proof that what he did is an abomination to GOD and to his family.  For as tragic as this has been, I have to give the man the credit he is due.  His father abandoned him, moved out of state and never paid his mother a penny.  My Covenant husband vowed never to do that and promised to fully financially support me and his children so that I could remain home as a full-time mother, and he kept that promise and quite generously until recently.  When he moved in with his girlfriend, everything changed. I guess it goes to show that writing a check to GOD or our spouse for child support  is easier than obeying Him and remaining faithful to our vows.  What did Samuel tell King Saul?  

    I start a new job in three weeks, after not working for over ten years.  I'm nervous and excited about it at the same time, but I know from Whence that opportunity came, and I think I know why, so I am at that perfect peace.  I don't often ask my readers to pray for me, but this time, I think I really need it.  I thought every day would get easier as time went on, but that's not the case with divorce.  You grieve forever, because it's a death of something so precious.  I didn't know that I would never heal from this kind of death of the one-flesh.

  Some Epics Are Hidden Away in Someone's Garage or Attic

   I found a blog post from a New York editor that said to step away from our manuscript for a while to get a fresh second look at it. I find that amusing, because GOD gave me an epic story, and I wrote it between 2013-2014. I then spent half of 2015 revising and editing. I shelved it when dual cancers became unwelcomed guests in our family, followed by divorce and a family shattered into shreds all over this country. There were other trauma's, and I just couldn't get back to it.

I know that GOD will use it mightily, however, I do not want it commercially published. I believe in what GOD gives us for free ought to be shared freely. I also do not want it to get out while I'm still breathing here, because success ruins almost everyone, and I would very easily fit into that category. Another reason is that when an epic is published and goes "viral," it then becomes about the author and not the work. I want LOVE'S MUSES to be what GOD intended it to be. I don't want myself to be here when He does it; that way, it will go wherever He planned on going by its own merit. This epic story could help people trying to recover from the traumas of their lives that set them back a few paces, and help them recover to an even better person they were before the trauma.

The story was written in 2013 and is about a country artist who inspired a kindergarten teacher to write a book about her life. She never intended it to go anywhere, because she was extremely shy, and it went viral right after a world crisis. Now, how is that for crazy. That is why I said GOD gave it to me, because I wrote about a world crisis SEVEN years before one began, and one this world has never experienced. It has humor, drama, intrigue, and love of fellow man, everything an epic should have. I take no credit for, it because there is no way I am talented enough to do such a thing. Here is my favorite quote from the series of five books:

"When you are proving to God that you want to be a success in His eyes only, then the brilliance of God will take your craft to new heights of genius you never even knew existed. You will be amazed at what He creates through you working your craft." #KatieLynnMoore.

Having had a professional tell me that it is indeed a wonderful story, verified what I already knew. It would give me peace knowing that I could have a good influence on some people, and help them in their despair, depression, and disillusionment in life, as that is how I've lived the past thirteen years.

I Hear Voices, I Hear Voices!

VOICES By Chris Young

   Okay, so I stole this title  from one who was once my favorite artist, well at least for 8 months of my life, hence inspiring LOVE'S MUSES! Yet, my point is we do hear voices, three of them.  I was just talking to GOD about something so dear on my heart. I thought I heard in my spirit Him reminding me of something that happened 41 years ago when I first began dating my husband, whom I did not know would end up being my husband, then. I wondered if that was GOD reminding me of what I thought was such an insignificant moment.  It was the last day I ever spent with my college boyfriend of three years. At the time we had broken up, but the attachment was still there, and he was trying to get me back. I simply adored his family, even more than I loved my own. They accepted me and loved me back more than I had ever been loved. I had just assumed we would be together for the rest of our lives. I was hell-bent on marrying into this family and spending my life with him. I was not used to being without him in my life, because we were together upwards of twelve hours a day, everyday. I don't remember a day I spent without him all those years. Not being with him felt like not being with my left arm. (I'm left-handed) He was the best thing that had ever happened to me up to that age.

    GOD reminded me of that  morose feeling of dread I had inside all that day. It was as if He told me, "This is no more, it needs to stop."  I get pretty attached to people and I am terrible at cutting people out of my life, especially if I ever loved them, let alone how much I loved this man. He was my first true love.  I was so crushed and heart-broken. I couldn't bear to tell him because he loved me so much and I loved him just as much. I did not want to hurt him, but I knew something else was coming. I wasn't even a believer  then. I knew it would be the last time we would ever be together. I never stopped loving him, but I knew, I had to move on. It was a difficult break up that took well over six months, and to this day I think of him fondly in my heart some four decades later.

   After the memory suddenly flooded my mind, I asked GOD if that very old memory, which I have not remembered since that day, if it was Him who sent it to prove the answer to His answer to me. Then He reminded me of the three "voices" we hear in our heads and what He taught me a while ago of how to tell the difference. Sometimes, the hardest voice to obey or understand is the one that comes from YHWH GOD.

 These are the three voices we hear: 

   First and foremost, if we belong to GOD, we hear the devil's minions' voices as they are allowed to plant thoughts in there. They are negative, pessimistic, pertain to the lust of the flesh, bathed in confusion, discouraging. They are full of doubt. They will tell us what we want to hear, because although his minions cannot read our minds, they have studied our behavior and know our past better than we do. Only by seeking YHVH GOD with our whole hearts can we be free from these minion thoughts. 

  Then there's the carnal nature which is not as pessimistic, but includes our personal desires, things that appeal to our hearts or things we "wish." These also appeal to our flesh, but maybe in a more wholesome way at times. They may even be of goodwill, but not GOD's will. We can talk ourselves out of the carnal nature voices with Scriptures GOD has taught us.

   Finally, there is The Holy Spirit's voice.  It matches GOD's character and agrees with Scripture. It makes no sense in human reasoning. It comes back over and over again, and we cannot make it go away no matter how hard we try. Sometimes, it is an unpleasant thought of something we have to do and we don't want to do it.  We know we will face opposition, but there's a peace that surrounds it that is inexplicable in human terms.  Sometimes, it's full of hope and belief for the impossible, knowing GOD can do it.  It calms us and gives us that perfect sense of we are doing the right thing even if it's the last thing we want to do. 

   So, ask yourself those three question:  Does it appeal to my flesh? Does it line up with the Character of GOD? Does it line up with Scripture.  Then pray on it some more. YHVH will confirm it in ways you never would have expected or even ask of Him. 

  When GOD won't let go, even if you beg Him.

     Sometimes, GOD will show you something in a person that only you can see, because GOD showed it to only you. He will give you Scripture after Scripture and Divine Coincidence after Divine Coincidence to prove it to you. You may have to wait upwards of 9 years, 7 month, and 29 days, but the LORD will strengthen you, even when you beg Him to stop teasing you with hope deferred, (Proverbs 13:12).

    He won't stop telling you to wait, to hold on, and to believe. He will give you glimpses of the heart of a man that only He sees, but He will allow you to watch the storms that will come along and submerge that man under the weight of pain and confusion. Most men don't know how to deal with devastating pain or fear. They cannot process it, so they will act out in completely opposite ways of the Godly character you saw in him. David hid behind his fear for 16 months in the land of the Philistines, working for the enemy, and also deceiving them. (1 Samuel 27) Sometimes, GOD will let you give up thousands of times, then slap another event that screams of synchronicity on you when you aren't looking for one anymore.  

   The verse Psalm 37:4, Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart, is properly translated in the Hebrew as "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He would put/set the desires of you heart. The Hebrew NATAN, for shall give really means put, set. (Philippians 2:13 Proverbs 21:1, Isaiah 46:10-11) I have a whole notebook of these types of verses on GOD’s Sovereignty. Do not believe people who will discourage you with the words, "Man has his own freewill," because in cases where GOD has already planned to do something through a man, that man’s freewill is limited to GOD’s Sovereignty. Sure, GOD will allow that man to fall below any level he thought he could, but GOD has a purpose in sin, also. GOD allows sin so we can understand His Amazing Grace. GOD will use that sin to refine the man and bring him closer to Himself. The hell is in the waiting, but you will see the Mighty Hand of GOD in ways that barely a person alive has seen. I constantly beg GOD to leave me be in my despair, because the overwhelming circumstantial evidence is just that, circumstantial. It would not hold up in court, nor will it convict a man, pun intended.

    I know that only YHVH GOD and I understand these signs and Scriptures, but isn't that just how He works, individually, communicating in ways that only His beloved will understand? That's how faith works. Sometimes the miracle GOD wants to prove to us is coming regardless a person's Godly or ungodly behavior. Sometimes,  that heart like David is hiding behind a Jericho wall-sized pain. It doesn't matter how many times we ourselves give up, if GOD has ordained it, nothing will stop it. GOD will let us fall into states of utter despair just to show us His comforting power and His faithfulness to us when no other human will be faithful.  Even if we get something completely wrong, our faithfulness to GOD will never go unnoticed or unrewarded if we just keep sticking it out to live in His perfect will, whether or not it's a happy place or a fiery furnace of affliction, still burning the dross out of us.

No one is promised tomorrow,

so make sure you logout!

(Addendum: I wrote this  originally August 16, 2019, right before my mother's funeral in my previous Blog: The Woman at the Well)

  

 Almost six years ago, I buried my mother with my five siblings who definitely were not pleased about me being numbered among them.  It was an unexpected death, not sudden, but surely unexpected. Cancer came in and humbled my mom, because sometimes, that is how GOD has to do it. People say that GOD never sends cancer, well, I happen to disagree. The Bible is clear that GOD sends calamity.     Maybe it is not done by His hand specifically, but He is ultimately Sovereign, and nothing comes by us or to us without His prior knowledge and permission.  We read in the first chapter of Job that GOD was bragging on his faithful servant, Job, when the devil approached GOD and accused him of being faithful only because he had everything served to him on a silver platter, to quote a contemporary colloquialism. GOD let Satan stricken Job, taking everything away from him, children, livestock, servants, and all his earthly goods. When Job did not curse GOD, the devil had something else up his sleeve, PAIN! It's one thing to lose all our earthly goods, it's a whole new ball game when physical pain and discomfort torture us, wearing us out. Again, Satan had to seek permission from GOD, and it was granted, however the devil was to spare Job's life. (Hence, the devil has power to take life, according to this Scripture. Remember that little point!) The devil has to seek permission for everything he does, so the devil gets the blame, but GOD gets the glory in it, if we let Him. (Romans 8:28) 

     Now, Job may not have cursed GOD, but boy oh boy, he surely did complain, and who wouldn't? This is where GOD becomes an even bigger GOD, who can handle all our complaints, and He actually prefers that we do come to Him, and Him alone. Job was not suicidal, but he cursed the day he was born. Things went from bad to worse when Job's "friends" instead of grieving with him, accused him of deserving of this punishment from GOD. There was no mention of the devil in those days, so all things came from GOD's hand, the good, the bad, and the ugly. The mere thought that something so dreadful just happening upon a righteous man, for no reason other than to resolve a bet between GOD and the evil one was simply unheard of, unthinkable, and quite frankly, disturbing beyond human comprehension. My mother's cancer came out of nowhere, unexpected, unannounced, and unheard of, as cancer was not in our family history. I never expected my mother to die of cancer, because as she said, kidney disease was in our family, hence all her relatives died of kidney disease.  I guess we all thought we were safe. Cancer runs in families, right? If no one in your family or line of ancestors had cancer, well, then you were going to dodge that bullet, or so we like to think. My mother died of Kidney cancer, but not before I was the first in my family to have cancer.  

    I was the first in my family to contract it, a very very rare form, parotid cancer. Only one in every 500,000 women, my age contract this kind of cancer.  This I knew was from GOD, because I sort of got a heads-up on it. I believed that the Holy Spirit warned me two years ahead of time that cancer was coming to humble me and keep me humble. Again, I wrote about this ordeal in an earlier blog. Cancer, Death, and Humble Pie, Among Others . 

   My cancer was stage one, so easily defeated with a little radiation HELL! It was slightly under six months of hell for me, but it did the trick. It drew me closer to GOD, and burned the dross right out of me. It taught me more of Who He is and His grace being sufficient in my weakness. It had the intended purposed affect on me, and now, I'm a "ticking" time-bomb with all the radiation I did receive, thus perpetually feeding me humble pie for the rest of my days here on this planet. 

    My mom's cancer was quite a bit different. It had an appetite for her body that was ravenous, and it fed on her like a famished lion. In less than twelve weeks, my mom was gone.  This cancer was brutal, tumors grew like wildfire and burned like it also. My mom suffered terribly for about eight weeks. It was a suffering one would never want to watch their parent endure. I learned that it is just as hard to watch one's parent suffer as it is one's child. As would any child, I rushed home from one thousand miles away to be with my mother in her worst hour of suffering, and to be with her and my siblings as she exited this world and entered the next. I don't like to use the word dying, I'd much rather call it graduation or demotion. In my mother's case, I truly think it was a graduation, as I did not know her spiritual status. I did, however, receive what I thought was revelation from GOD that He had her up there in heaven, and all was well, now. The minute after she died, John 3:16 popped up as the first tweet in my Twitter feed. There was one other thing that I believed was from GOD, and that was what I was reading the second she took her last breath. I just so happened to be in 2 Chronicles 33, reading about King Manasseh. 

     Now, that was a bad king, so bad that he caused the final judgment from the Lord, to come upon Judah, the southern kingdom in 586 B.C. Both the northern kingdom and the southern kingdom had turned their back on GOD and worshiped other gods, and that was the least of their sins, from a human perspective. There were far more evil things they did that you can find out with a little investigative work on your own, but be prepared to have your stomach turned upside down. King Manasseh, though, he took the cake, and the frosting, and the candles, when it comes to evil. It is said of him that he lined the streets of Jerusalem with the blood from one end to the other. It is even reported that he had the prophet Isaiah hung on a wooden X and sawed in half from the bottom up. Now, that's a scene I can't even fathom to visualize, nor would I want to. You really can't get much more evil than that.  

    Both 2 Kings and 2 Chronicles speak of just how evil was the son of the good king, Hezekiah, but only 2 Chronicles tells of Manasseh's repentance. When God wants to humble a person, He knows just what it will take, and a hook in Manasseh's nose and bronze fetters on his feet did the trick. In his affliction, King Manasseh called out to the LORD. Now, we humans would have said, "tough cookies, bud, you deserve this." Aren't we glad that we are not GOD and GOD is not us, that we don't think like GOD and GOD doesn't think like us? (Isaiah 55:8-9).  One small act of humbling himself before the LORD, a sincere act of repentance (a change of heart), and GOD restored the evil king, who was immediately transposed into a good king. He proved his repentance was genuine as he went about restoring Jerusalem, the Temple, removing the wooden idols, and demanding that the people worship only GOD. It's an amazing story of just how big and wide is the Grace of GOD with one simple, sincere act of humiliation before him.  

      As I mentioned, I was reading these verses just as my mom took her last breath, and that is no coincidence. I truly believe that GOD wanted me to know that all the sharp words my mom used were thrown in the deepest part of the ocean, gone forever, and not held against her. Let me tell you, she had a tongue sharper than than any finely tuned razor blade. She could chop a person to pieces with it with no effort at all on her part, and in no time flat. She wasn't just a Italian Yankee firecracker, she was a nuclear explosion when her fuse was lit. 

   The day after she she died, I happened to stumble upon some of her emails she wrote to my siblings about me and my children. After reading about twenty of them, I had seen more than my eyes should have seen. There is NO question in my mind why my siblings hated me so much.  Mom was the fuel that fed that fire of fury She had said the most dreadfully horrible things about me and my children that no decent relative should say about another, let alone a mother about her own child and grandchildren. I had no idea that who I thought was my supportive mother was not only not so supportive, but she had hoped to see me fail. According to these emails, she hated me and even went as far as to take my ex-husband's side when he abandoned me.  Maybe she even got some pleasure from it. I will never understand this, but here is where that BIG huge Grace of GOD comes into play.  

    My mom's heart was like every human heart, deceptively evil, hard to even fathom (Jeremiah 17:9), and GOD, knowing that her time was coming soon, instead of letting her evil heart drag her into destruction, he gave her an opportunity to be so afflicted that her only option and hope would be to call out to GOD, as did King Manasseh. The Bible says in several places, "Whoever calls on the name of the LORD will be saved," and I heard many times during that brief time of severe suffering, her calling on the name of Jesus for relief and mercy.  

    I could hold a grudge against my mother, but what purpose would that serve? My tongue is just as sharp as hers, and I've ripped a few people apart in my day, even in recent days, when my fuse was lit. It's a terrible sin, but it's the human condition. We let our emotions dictate our words and actions when under a great deal of stress or distress. I am no angel and in need of just as much mercy from GOD as was my mom. My mother did and said some terrible things to me and about me in the course of her 87 years, but not once did I turn my back on her, even though many times, she did turn her back on me.  My mom didn't get a chance to apologize to me, but GOD let me see just how He works in forcing an apology, even a silent one out of one's heart on their deathbed. I, on the other hand have plenty of opportunities to apologize, still, and I plan to make that a common habit, hoping for a little understanding a great deal of mercy from those I've offended. I could hate that woman for the damage she had done to me all my growing up years, and there is still plenty of damage left over, but she is not that woman anymore. She is a new creation, a whole person, loving, happy and pleasant in Glory. 

   I never saw my mother pleasant and happy, yet in all the dreams I've had since she's passed, she's been happy, pleasant and very supportive of me.  I can't wait to meet the woman she is now, and I will have the chance, sooner rather than later. Sin is sin, whether we fall into it, or commit it with malice-a-forethought, and we are in need of forgiveness from GOD for every sin, past, present and future.  Here is where GOD looks at the righteousness of Jesus and his work on the cross, and not the decades worth of sin that we either fall into, or plot in vain. 

   Grace is not a license to sin, but in the end, if we do take that license to sin, in the end, GOD knows our true hearts, even if we hide it from the world.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I see this suffering as a gift from GOD. He will use it to bring us closer to Him either in this life or the next.   I would like to believe that He took pity on me and my mom and taught us BOTH a very valuable lesson in how GOD not only humbles us in our sin, but by doing that, He wipes away 87 years of evil behavior in one instant, and that proves to us just how BIG and WIDE is His grace and mercy.