It’s that Damned Four-Letter F-Word Every Time!

    Every bad decision I have ever made was because of that damned four-letter-F word, and I’m not talking about the obvious. Oh, yeah, I use that word way too many times, but I've improved much lately.  In New England, that four-letter word is used in all 8 parts of speech like any other normal word, so some habits are harder to break.  Like Isaiah, I am a woman of unclean lips. One night, while crying, talking to GOD, like I do all the time, GOD asked me a question. The Holy Spirit asked me,  “Kristina, why are you crying?” I knew the answer immediately as if GOD Himself fed the answer to me before I finished "hearing" the question. It’s the four-letter F-word, the devil’s most useful tool he uses against us.

F -E- A- R

    I realized that night, for the first time that nearly every bad decision or stupid impulsive deed I ever make has a foundation in FEAR. He then reminded me of the Biblical heroes who were total screw-ups. Almost every bad decision was grounded in FEAR. The first generation of Israelites, who saw the Mighty Hand of GOD deliver them from Pharaoh, were condemned to forty years of wandering in the wilderness, and not allowed to enter the promise land simply because fear spread like a wildfire in the dry wilderness. Ten out of the twelve spies lit a fire of fear into the mass population. All it took was ten people to spread fear like leprosy among the two-million newly delivered wanderers. Fear, like leprosy contaminates the whole body just by going near it. Fear is the spark in a dry valley of kindling wood. All it takes is one spark, and the entire forest goes up in flames.

    When I started to think about my depression and despair battles, GOD showed me that FEAR was the motivating factor. I’m depressed because I think that GOD will never rescue me from this nineteen-year slide down into the valley of Achor. Despair is just fear on steroids. Despair is the fear that life will never get better. Then I started thinking about what other bad decisions we make.

      Nearly every sin we commit is baptized in fear. Why don’t we return to GOD when we have strayed? It is the fear that GOD could not forgive us for how far we’ve fallen, the fear of having to admit that we fell that far, and the shame that will accompany that fear. So, to avoid the FEAR and SHAME we choose to live in DENIAL. Do you see a pattern here? It seems that all the devil’s best weapons are grounded in fear and are used effectively to keep us from becoming the masterpieces GOD intends to create in us. The last thing the devil wants is for us to fulfill the destiny GOD has written for us, so he pulls out his most effective tools, PRIDE, SHAME, and DENIAL which all have a foundation of FEAR.

    If we really stop to think about it, and I mean, really wrap our brains around the reasons we commit most sins, almost every single thing we do that we know is wrong is founded in some hidden fear. I know that every tear I cry is wet with fear. I keep saying to GOD, “But GOD, if I only knew for sure that You were going to do thus and so, I wouldn’t cry.” He reminds me every time of how many times He has assured me that He will do thus and so, and how many times He has proven it to me. Yet, FEAR is alive and well in my heart., My next question was, “So, why do I fear so much, when will it ever stop?” The answer, I got was NEVER. For as long as there is a devil, there will always be fear. This a battle that we will have to fight every day that we breathe. Until we are safe and secure in our Heavenly dwelling, fear will be our constant unwelcomed companion.

    I see myself in David because he is the biggest screw-up with the best heart to whom I can relate. Yes, the brave warrior, David, had a horrible battle with fear. One of the very worst things he did was living as a prodigal for sixteen months with the Philistines, killing innocent men, women, and children for profit, making sure no one survived to rat him out to his Philistine commander, and embezzling off the top, for himself, thus making him a mass murderer and an embezzler. He walked away from the promise, because he feared King Saul would kill him, thus he hid behind enemy lines and participated in their sin against GOD. (1 Samuel 27: Then David said to himself, “Now I will perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than to safely escape into the land of the Philistines. Then Saul will despair of searching for me anymore in all the territory of Israel, and I will escape from his hand.”)

    Thirty years later, trying to cover up his sin with Bathsheba, his crimes against Uriah were fraught with fear. Fear of getting caught as an adulterer was the motivating factor behind his elaborate scheme to try and get Uriah to sleep with his wife, to cover her pregnancy, but when Uriah proved more noble than David, the fear of the shame motivated him to have Uriah killed in the battle field.  If He called a screw-up like David, "a man after His own heart," or forgave King Manasseh, who flooded the streets of Jerusalem with innocent blood from one end of the city to the other. (2 Chronicles 33), there is no low that is too low, regardless of what you think or believe.     The devil is very sly, he knows very well how to disguise fear. 

    Think about why do we commit sexual sin? For most of us, it is the fear of never being truly loved, (again). Why don’t we love? Well, there’s that fear of getting hurt. Sometimes, he uses lust of the flesh to disguise fear. For me, fear has so crippled me that I have no friends and I want no friends, because everyone I have ever loved has broken my heart. So, I’ve cocooned myself here, up in my room, and my only friend is my desktop, it can’t hurt me. Impending being divorced had me hiding under the bed, like a scared cat.

    Pride is another disguise of fear. Pride keeps us from admitting that we are depraved sinners who can't help ourselves with what we do and do not know. What we do not know or what we cannot control fears us. We feel the need to be in total control of our lives, because we fear our life circumstances outside of our control.   Hate is a great disguise of fear on steroids. Hate is us fearing what or who we do not know or trust. Like Big-Tech censoring us, the people running big tech silence us out of the fear of what we will say. We silence those from who we fear the most. We fear those who will make us feel guilty, so we ignore them. 

   We block out of our lives those we know truly do love us. Our pride tells us that person will make us feel less of the person we wish we were. Apologies never happen, because of fear. Most of all, we fear the humbling effect of admitting we may have been wrong. Mistrust, I think that’s an obvious manifestation of fear. I know that I will never trust another man again, or so I say. Why? FEAR of getting my heart broken, again.  Let me assure you that you have not exceeded God's reach of His Amazing Grace of forgiveness.  If God's Grace can cover David and King Manasseh, we have nothing to fear by coming clean with God, allowing Him the room in our hearts to feel His love and Grace.

    The next time you do something you know is the wrong, ask yourself, “Is fear the founding factor for doing this?” In most cases, I believe that you will find fear disguised in either shame, pride, or denial. I have been putting off writing this blog post, and GOD asked me why. My answer was, “What’s the use? No one will see it.” Here, fear is disguised as procrastination. I knew GOD wanted me to write this, but my frustration with GOD over my fear that He would never deliver me from this sadness kept me from obeying Him. It’s that damned four-letter F-word every time.

    While looking up some Scriptures, I went to my favorite on-line Bible, Biblegateway and this is what I saw! Now, how about that for GOD's signs and confirmations! Today's verse of the day!

Trapped Between the Past and Hope Deferred for the Future.

 She has created a prison for herself in her own mind, and the only key to open the prison doors and on to freedom, is time. Yet it is this same time which is also her prison from which she cannot escape.   She lives in the natural looking back of what was, and in the Spiritual of what is to come.  The present doesn't seem to have any life of its own.  The 80’s was the best decade. It was her youth when all things were possible if she just set her mind on it, because she didn't know GOD.  Then the 90’s came and a slight slope downward had begun.  Life wasn’t as  fun anymore; it was more work than fun.  It was doable, though. She met Jesus, so she knew life was still good, even on the bad days.  That was until May of 2006 when life took a deep dive downward.  She thought it was a temporary turn for the worse.  Everyone knows that good and bad times come and go, and neither is permanent.   

She did not know that her partner had been dealt a fatal blow with that event of 2006.  She knew he was hit, but she never thought of it as terminal.  She tried to carry hope for both, because she knew Who was in ultimate control, and He was a Benefactor, not an adversary.  She knew she had an adversary, and he was sly and brilliant, but she underestimated the damage he could do to her present and her future.  Her hopes were still high, and her trust was stable and sure. Hope kept getting more difficult to maintain with each hit from the adversary,  but again, she trusted in the GOD that she knew at that time.  Sadly, she was learning about YHVH GOD from distorted sources.  

Unexpectedly, the spring of 2012, was the genesis to the exodus of a life that had appeared to have no happy ending.  In an unlikely place, the true YHWH introduced himself to her in a most real, live, and burning bush way.  He gave her an assignment and promised her that she would succeed.  She had now seen and come to know a completely different GOD of the universe from that day forward.  With that hope in her mind and her heart, she worked with vigor and vitality, all while the fires in the fiery furnace of affliction kept burning hotter and hotter. She knew this was God, refining the gold in her, and He gave her a road map as to the kind of woman He would build her to be.   

She was so full of life and hope, that she failed to notice that her partner did not have that same desire and hope, as a matter of fact, his hope for the future had a terminal disease which was about to enter both of their lives in the same year.   She saw this disease as just more weight to her words to help others in the future, while it was the anchor that was sinking her partner’s ship. She assumed she had enough hope in her to carry both of them into a wonderful future.  She was gravely mistaken.  Again, she had no idea at the power and ability of her adversary to fatally wound her partner where even her optimism could not resuscitate life back into him.  He was losing the will to live and hope, and in 2014, it had gone completely and permanently.

As things continued to get worse, life continued its downward slope, with each year spiraling south with greater velocity. At every years’ beginning, she still knew and trusted in the Jehovah Jireh, because He was the great provider.  She believed that one day all the different kinds and colors of threads GOD had carefully weaved into her life would eventually fall into place,  creating a masterpiece tapestry of purpose.  She wanted the weight to her words bring Glory to GOD, hope to the despaired, clarity to the confused, and directions to Paradise for the lost. 

The problem that began to take even her strength and resolution down was the hope deferred of her heart living in the spiritual and mixed signals she was getting from her mind and body living in the ugly details and damning fact of reality.   The great divide was growing an ever-widening chasm that she could not transcend.  Every day she mourns the past when she was a magnificent dreamer.  All during the day, Jehovah Rapha, the  GOD who heals teaches her more about Himself, reminding her of His power and ability to change everything in her life in a flash.  Every night ends the same way, though, another day had passed, and He did not do for her what He kept forcing into her heart to hope for against her own will.

 She is, however, grateful for the short periods of coolness under the shadow of His wings as moments of  respite from the fiery flames of the furnace of affliction. Sadly, the ugly truth is He hasn’t turned down the heat from the furnace, and the burns from the flames are  beginning to severely damage not only her, but the faith and trust she had always put in her Savior, the creator of the universe and the Playwright of her life.  Her dream is still alive, only it's on life support, but we all know the GOD who resurrects that which cannot live on it's own and calls that with is not as if it were.  (Romans 4:17b )

 I WILL NOT PUT A DRESS, A VEIL, AND A BOW-TIE ON DIVORCE BECAUSE SIN IS GROTESQUE  

     My husband and I married 40 years ago this year, vowing never to divorce.  We had a Covenant Marriage ceremony on our fifth anniversary after we had become Born-Again Christians, vowing again to never divorce. During all eight baby dedications we re-vowed to raise all our babies in a Godly home and to never divorce.  We vowed to remain in a loving nurturing husband, wife, relationship as  father and mother to  our children so they could be raised in a s secure environment where they knew they were loved. A human judge tried to get me to gloss over my Covenant husband's decision to buy himself a NO-FAULT divorce, well I say, HELL NO!  I will not put a dress on his actions and just write off everything we vowed, and tried to build so he can destroy it, and walk away free and clear.  I will never lie to my children, ever.  I grew up with all liars, I will not repeat history, even if their father wants history repeated.  I contested the divorce and told the judge that the GOD of the universe would overrule him.  Not only did I not sign the papers, but until six months ago, I never even kept a copy of the divorce papers. I put them where GOD would have put them, in the trash.  I knew if I read them it would cause more division between my husband and I, and that I would hate him all the more.  Sadly, I needed the papers for a legal matter and had to have my Covenant husband make a copy for me.  It was an eye opener when I did read them and found out what was in them.  I'll just leave it at that, but I have grounds to protect myself if I have to. I don't believe I will have to go back to court, because the Lawgiver who wrote the Laws of the Universe will protect me as He always has. The divorce judge tried to tell me that I could not discuss the divorce with my children as if he had a right to strip me of my right to free speech. 

 I refuse to let that judge tell me how to raise my children and strip me of my Constitutional right to free speech.  That judge may have demanded I remain silent, but I answer to YHVH GOD alone.   I will not say, "Well, daddy just decided to love someone else besides the woman to whom he married and vowed ten times to be faithful to, but we must respect his decision."  I refuse to participate in what GOD says He hates.    People advised me to get a lawyer and fight him, and fight for them and get all I can get from their father.  That did not happen. My Lawyer sat right next to me, although, I was the only one who knew He was there.  My husband  divorced me after 35 devoted years over Skype, behind a monitor and with a  lawyer whom I compared to an abortionist, because she murders the one-flesh.  My Lawyer told me that when he divorced me and himself from his vows to YHVH GOD, he divorced himself from the One Whom he vowed to.  He may still attend church, but YHVH GOD is not with him, a sad fact he cannot see himself.  it is much like when YHVH GOD's spirit King Saul and Samson, neither one noticed.   

I tried my hardest to talk him out of this divorce. I pleaded with him, begged him, and told him that the repercussions would be irreparable, especially with his children, and four years has passed, and what I feared has come to pass.  I did not try to destroy his relationship with his children, I kept trying to repair it, however, he never cooperated with that effort.  I watched what happened to my father with his remaining five children happen to my own husband and children's father, and it grieves me so.  It was six years after he told me that he was going to divorce me that he finally did it, after he got a big windfall inheritance.  Since his first big purchase with that inheritance was retaining a divorce lawyer, his money is running out like a leaky faucet.  He can't see that as GOD's doing either.  He used what GOD gave him to do something the devil led him to do.  He admitted to me that GOD was not telling him to divorce me, so he admitted to going against YHVH GOD, the One he doesn't like.  He much prefers the one he created in his own image.  He divorced me to keep me from his money, but GOD has taken it from him anyway.   

  I want my children to hate divorce as much as GOD and I do, but I realized that even though I grew up in the most nastiest of divorces as did my husband, we did not really understand the devastation of it back then, after all, everyone was doing it.  I was a teenager when it happened to me as a child, hence it wasn't until I hit middle age, and as a devoted servant of GOD, that I truly understood the tragedy of it.  I did not appreciate the devastation it caused my own mother back then, and I'm sorry I was not able to be more of a help for her.  Sadly, my children will never truly understand it either, unless it happens to them, which I pray it does not.   

To make matters even worse, he is divorced me on the 36th anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him.  GOD is Sovereign over every detail of our lives, and the irony of the first hearing being on the day my husband asked me to marry him is proof that what he did is an abomination to GOD and to his family.  For as tragic as this has been, I have to give the man the credit he is due.  His father abandoned him, moved out of state and never paid his mother a penny.  My Covenant husband vowed never to do that and promised to fully financially support me and his children so that I could remain home as a full-time mother, and he kept that promise and quite generously until recently.  When he moved in with his girlfriend, everything changed. I guess it goes to show that writing a check to GOD or our spouse for child support  is easier than obeying Him and remaining faithful to our vows.  What did Samuel tell King Saul?  

    I start a new job in three weeks, after not working for over ten years.  I'm nervous and excited about it at the same time, but I know from Whence that opportunity came, and I think I know why, so I am at that perfect peace.  I don't often ask my readers to pray for me, but this time, I think I really need it.  I thought every day would get easier as time went on, but that's not the case with divorce.  You grieve forever, because it's a death of something so precious.  I didn't know that I would never heal from this kind of death of the one-flesh.

  Some Epics Are Hidden Away in Someone's Garage or Attic

   I found a blog post from a New York editor that said to step away from our manuscript for a while to get a fresh second look at it. I find that amusing, because GOD gave me an epic story, and I wrote it between 2013-2014. I then spent half of 2015 revising and editing. I shelved it when dual cancers became unwelcomed guests in our family, followed by divorce and a family shattered into shreds all over this country. There were other trauma's, and I just couldn't get back to it.

I know that GOD will use it mightily, however, I do not want it commercially published. I believe in what GOD gives us for free ought to be shared freely. I also do not want it to get out while I'm still breathing here, because success ruins almost everyone, and I would very easily fit into that category. Another reason is that when an epic is published and goes "viral," it then becomes about the author and not the work. I want LOVE'S MUSES to be what GOD intended it to be. I don't want myself to be here when He does it; that way, it will go wherever He planned on going by its own merit. This epic story could help people trying to recover from the traumas of their lives that set them back a few paces, and help them recover to an even better person they were before the trauma.

The story was written in 2013 and is about a country artist who inspired a kindergarten teacher to write a book about her life. She never intended it to go anywhere, because she was extremely shy, and it went viral right after a world crisis. Now, how is that for crazy. That is why I said GOD gave it to me, because I wrote about a world crisis SEVEN years before one began, and one this world has never experienced. It has humor, drama, intrigue, and love of fellow man, everything an epic should have. I take no credit for, it because there is no way I am talented enough to do such a thing. Here is my favorite quote from the series of five books:

"When you are proving to God that you want to be a success in His eyes only, then the brilliance of God will take your craft to new heights of genius you never even knew existed. You will be amazed at what He creates through you working your craft." #KatieLynnMoore.

Having had a professional tell me that it is indeed a wonderful story, verified what I already knew. It would give me peace knowing that I could have a good influence on some people, and help them in their despair, depression, and disillusionment in life, as that is how I've lived the past thirteen years.

I Hear Voices, I Hear Voices!

VOICES By Chris Young

   Okay, so I stole this title  from one who was once my favorite artist, well at least for 8 months of my life, hence inspiring LOVE'S MUSES! Yet, my point is we do hear voices, three of them.  I was just talking to GOD about something so dear on my heart. I thought I heard in my spirit Him reminding me of something that happened 41 years ago when I first began dating my husband, whom I did not know would end up being my husband, then. I wondered if that was GOD reminding me of what I thought was such an insignificant moment.  It was the last day I ever spent with my college boyfriend of three years. At the time we had broken up, but the attachment was still there, and he was trying to get me back. I simply adored his family, even more than I loved my own. They accepted me and loved me back more than I had ever been loved. I had just assumed we would be together for the rest of our lives. I was hell-bent on marrying into this family and spending my life with him. I was not used to being without him in my life, because we were together upwards of twelve hours a day, everyday. I don't remember a day I spent without him all those years. Not being with him felt like not being with my left arm. (I'm left-handed) He was the best thing that had ever happened to me up to that age.

    GOD reminded me of that  morose feeling of dread I had inside all that day. It was as if He told me, "This is no more, it needs to stop."  I get pretty attached to people and I am terrible at cutting people out of my life, especially if I ever loved them, let alone how much I loved this man. He was my first true love.  I was so crushed and heart-broken. I couldn't bear to tell him because he loved me so much and I loved him just as much. I did not want to hurt him, but I knew something else was coming. I wasn't even a believer  then. I knew it would be the last time we would ever be together. I never stopped loving him, but I knew, I had to move on. It was a difficult break up that took well over six months, and to this day I think of him fondly in my heart some four decades later.

   After the memory suddenly flooded my mind, I asked GOD if that very old memory, which I have not remembered since that day, if it was Him who sent it to prove the answer to His answer to me. Then He reminded me of the three "voices" we hear in our heads and what He taught me a while ago of how to tell the difference. Sometimes, the hardest voice to obey or understand is the one that comes from YHWH GOD.

 These are the three voices we hear: 

   First and foremost, if we belong to GOD, we hear the devil's minions' voices as they are allowed to plant thoughts in there. They are negative, pessimistic, pertain to the lust of the flesh, bathed in confusion, discouraging. They are full of doubt. They will tell us what we want to hear, because although his minions cannot read our minds, they have studied our behavior and know our past better than we do. Only by seeking YHVH GOD with our whole hearts can we be free from these minion thoughts. 

  Then there's the carnal nature which is not as pessimistic, but includes our personal desires, things that appeal to our hearts or things we "wish." These also appeal to our flesh, but maybe in a more wholesome way at times. They may even be of goodwill, but not GOD's will. We can talk ourselves out of the carnal nature voices with Scriptures GOD has taught us.

   Finally, there is The Holy Spirit's voice.  It matches GOD's character and agrees with Scripture. It makes no sense in human reasoning. It comes back over and over again, and we cannot make it go away no matter how hard we try. Sometimes, it is an unpleasant thought of something we have to do and we don't want to do it.  We know we will face opposition, but there's a peace that surrounds it that is inexplicable in human terms.  Sometimes, it's full of hope and belief for the impossible, knowing GOD can do it.  It calms us and gives us that perfect sense of we are doing the right thing even if it's the last thing we want to do. 

   So, ask yourself those three question:  Does it appeal to my flesh? Does it line up with the Character of GOD? Does it line up with Scripture.  Then pray on it some more. YHVH will confirm it in ways you never would have expected or even ask of Him. 

  When GOD won't let go, even if you beg Him.

     Sometimes, GOD will show you something in a person that only you can see, because GOD showed it to only you. He will give you Scripture after Scripture and Divine Coincidence after Divine Coincidence to prove it to you. You may have to wait upwards of 9 years, 7 month, and 29 days, but the LORD will strengthen you, even when you beg Him to stop teasing you with hope deferred, (Proverbs 13:12).

    He won't stop telling you to wait, to hold on, and to believe. He will give you glimpses of the heart of a man that only He sees, but He will allow you to watch the storms that will come along and submerge that man under the weight of pain and confusion. Most men don't know how to deal with devastating pain or fear. They cannot process it, so they will act out in completely opposite ways of the Godly character you saw in him. David hid behind his fear for 16 months in the land of the Philistines, working for the enemy, and also deceiving them. (1 Samuel 27) Sometimes, GOD will let you give up thousands of times, then slap another event that screams of synchronicity on you when you aren't looking for one anymore.  

   The verse Psalm 37:4, Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart, is properly translated in the Hebrew as "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He would put/set the desires of you heart. The Hebrew NATAN, for shall give really means put, set. (Philippians 2:13 Proverbs 21:1, Isaiah 46:10-11) I have a whole notebook of these types of verses on GOD’s Sovereignty. Do not believe people who will discourage you with the words, "Man has his own freewill," because in cases where GOD has already planned to do something through a man, that man’s freewill is limited to GOD’s Sovereignty. Sure, GOD will allow that man to fall below any level he thought he could, but GOD has a purpose in sin, also. GOD allows sin so we can understand His Amazing Grace. GOD will use that sin to refine the man and bring him closer to Himself. The hell is in the waiting, but you will see the Mighty Hand of GOD in ways that barely a person alive has seen. I constantly beg GOD to leave me be in my despair, because the overwhelming circumstantial evidence is just that, circumstantial. It would not hold up in court, nor will it convict a man, pun intended.

    I know that only YHVH GOD and I understand these signs and Scriptures, but isn't that just how He works, individually, communicating in ways that only His beloved will understand? That's how faith works. Sometimes the miracle GOD wants to prove to us is coming regardless a person's Godly or ungodly behavior. Sometimes,  that heart like David is hiding behind a Jericho wall-sized pain. It doesn't matter how many times we ourselves give up, if GOD has ordained it, nothing will stop it. GOD will let us fall into states of utter despair just to show us His comforting power and His faithfulness to us when no other human will be faithful.  Even if we get something completely wrong, our faithfulness to GOD will never go unnoticed or unrewarded if we just keep sticking it out to live in His perfect will, whether or not it's a happy place or a fiery furnace of affliction, still burning the dross out of us.

No one is promised tomorrow,

so make sure you logout!

(Addendum: I wrote this  originally August 16, 2019, right before my mother's funeral in my previous Blog: The Woman at the Well)

  

 Almost six years ago, I buried my mother with my five siblings who definitely were not pleased about me being numbered among them.  It was an unexpected death, not sudden, but surely unexpected. Cancer came in and humbled my mom, because sometimes, that is how GOD has to do it. People say that GOD never sends cancer, well, I happen to disagree. The Bible is clear that GOD sends calamity.     Maybe it is not done by His hand specifically, but He is ultimately Sovereign, and nothing comes by us or to us without His prior knowledge and permission.  We read in the first chapter of Job that GOD was bragging on his faithful servant, Job, when the devil approached GOD and accused him of being faithful only because he had everything served to him on a silver platter, to quote a contemporary colloquialism. GOD let Satan stricken Job, taking everything away from him, children, livestock, servants, and all his earthly goods. When Job did not curse GOD, the devil had something else up his sleeve, PAIN! It's one thing to lose all our earthly goods, it's a whole new ball game when physical pain and discomfort torture us, wearing us out. Again, Satan had to seek permission from GOD, and it was granted, however the devil was to spare Job's life. (Hence, the devil has power to take life, according to this Scripture. Remember that little point!) The devil has to seek permission for everything he does, so the devil gets the blame, but GOD gets the glory in it, if we let Him. (Romans 8:28) 

     Now, Job may not have cursed GOD, but boy oh boy, he surely did complain, and who wouldn't? This is where GOD becomes an even bigger GOD, who can handle all our complaints, and He actually prefers that we do come to Him, and Him alone. Job was not suicidal, but he cursed the day he was born. Things went from bad to worse when Job's "friends" instead of grieving with him, accused him of deserving of this punishment from GOD. There was no mention of the devil in those days, so all things came from GOD's hand, the good, the bad, and the ugly. The mere thought that something so dreadful just happening upon a righteous man, for no reason other than to resolve a bet between GOD and the evil one was simply unheard of, unthinkable, and quite frankly, disturbing beyond human comprehension. My mother's cancer came out of nowhere, unexpected, unannounced, and unheard of, as cancer was not in our family history. I never expected my mother to die of cancer, because as she said, kidney disease was in our family, hence all her relatives died of kidney disease.  I guess we all thought we were safe. Cancer runs in families, right? If no one in your family or line of ancestors had cancer, well, then you were going to dodge that bullet, or so we like to think. My mother died of Kidney cancer, but not before I was the first in my family to have cancer.  

    I was the first in my family to contract it, a very very rare form, parotid cancer. Only one in every 500,000 women, my age contract this kind of cancer.  This I knew was from GOD, because I sort of got a heads-up on it. I believed that the Holy Spirit warned me two years ahead of time that cancer was coming to humble me and keep me humble. Again, I wrote about this ordeal in an earlier blog. Cancer, Death, and Humble Pie, Among Others . 

   My cancer was stage one, so easily defeated with a little radiation HELL! It was slightly under six months of hell for me, but it did the trick. It drew me closer to GOD, and burned the dross right out of me. It taught me more of Who He is and His grace being sufficient in my weakness. It had the intended purposed affect on me, and now, I'm a "ticking" time-bomb with all the radiation I did receive, thus perpetually feeding me humble pie for the rest of my days here on this planet. 

    My mom's cancer was quite a bit different. It had an appetite for her body that was ravenous, and it fed on her like a famished lion. In less than twelve weeks, my mom was gone.  This cancer was brutal, tumors grew like wildfire and burned like it also. My mom suffered terribly for about eight weeks. It was a suffering one would never want to watch their parent endure. I learned that it is just as hard to watch one's parent suffer as it is one's child. As would any child, I rushed home from one thousand miles away to be with my mother in her worst hour of suffering, and to be with her and my siblings as she exited this world and entered the next. I don't like to use the word dying, I'd much rather call it graduation or demotion. In my mother's case, I truly think it was a graduation, as I did not know her spiritual status. I did, however, receive what I thought was revelation from GOD that He had her up there in heaven, and all was well, now. The minute after she died, John 3:16 popped up as the first tweet in my Twitter feed. There was one other thing that I believed was from GOD, and that was what I was reading the second she took her last breath. I just so happened to be in 2 Chronicles 33, reading about King Manasseh. 

     Now, that was a bad king, so bad that he caused the final judgment from the Lord, to come upon Judah, the southern kingdom in 586 B.C. Both the northern kingdom and the southern kingdom had turned their back on GOD and worshiped other gods, and that was the least of their sins, from a human perspective. There were far more evil things they did that you can find out with a little investigative work on your own, but be prepared to have your stomach turned upside down. King Manasseh, though, he took the cake, and the frosting, and the candles, when it comes to evil. It is said of him that he lined the streets of Jerusalem with the blood from one end to the other. It is even reported that he had the prophet Isaiah hung on a wooden X and sawed in half from the bottom up. Now, that's a scene I can't even fathom to visualize, nor would I want to. You really can't get much more evil than that.  

    Both 2 Kings and 2 Chronicles speak of just how evil was the son of the good king, Hezekiah, but only 2 Chronicles tells of Manasseh's repentance. When God wants to humble a person, He knows just what it will take, and a hook in Manasseh's nose and bronze fetters on his feet did the trick. In his affliction, King Manasseh called out to the LORD. Now, we humans would have said, "tough cookies, bud, you deserve this." Aren't we glad that we are not GOD and GOD is not us, that we don't think like GOD and GOD doesn't think like us? (Isaiah 55:8-9).  One small act of humbling himself before the LORD, a sincere act of repentance (a change of heart), and GOD restored the evil king, who was immediately transposed into a good king. He proved his repentance was genuine as he went about restoring Jerusalem, the Temple, removing the wooden idols, and demanding that the people worship only GOD. It's an amazing story of just how big and wide is the Grace of GOD with one simple, sincere act of humiliation before him.  

      As I mentioned, I was reading these verses just as my mom took her last breath, and that is no coincidence. I truly believe that GOD wanted me to know that all the sharp words my mom used were thrown in the deepest part of the ocean, gone forever, and not held against her. Let me tell you, she had a tongue sharper than than any finely tuned razor blade. She could chop a person to pieces with it with no effort at all on her part, and in no time flat. She wasn't just a Italian Yankee firecracker, she was a nuclear explosion when her fuse was lit. 

   The day after she she died, I happened to stumble upon some of her emails she wrote to my siblings about me and my children. After reading about twenty of them, I had seen more than my eyes should have seen. There is NO question in my mind why my siblings hated me so much.  Mom was the fuel that fed that fire of fury She had said the most dreadfully horrible things about me and my children that no decent relative should say about another, let alone a mother about her own child and grandchildren. I had no idea that who I thought was my supportive mother was not only not so supportive, but she had hoped to see me fail. According to these emails, she hated me and even went as far as to take my ex-husband's side when he abandoned me.  Maybe she even got some pleasure from it. I will never understand this, but here is where that BIG huge Grace of GOD comes into play.  

    My mom's heart was like every human heart, deceptively evil, hard to even fathom (Jeremiah 17:9), and GOD, knowing that her time was coming soon, instead of letting her evil heart drag her into destruction, he gave her an opportunity to be so afflicted that her only option and hope would be to call out to GOD, as did King Manasseh. The Bible says in several places, "Whoever calls on the name of the LORD will be saved," and I heard many times during that brief time of severe suffering, her calling on the name of Jesus for relief and mercy.  

    I could hold a grudge against my mother, but what purpose would that serve? My tongue is just as sharp as hers, and I've ripped a few people apart in my day, even in recent days, when my fuse was lit. It's a terrible sin, but it's the human condition. We let our emotions dictate our words and actions when under a great deal of stress or distress. I am no angel and in need of just as much mercy from GOD as was my mom. My mother did and said some terrible things to me and about me in the course of her 87 years, but not once did I turn my back on her, even though many times, she did turn her back on me.  My mom didn't get a chance to apologize to me, but GOD let me see just how He works in forcing an apology, even a silent one out of one's heart on their deathbed. I, on the other hand have plenty of opportunities to apologize, still, and I plan to make that a common habit, hoping for a little understanding a great deal of mercy from those I've offended. I could hate that woman for the damage she had done to me all my growing up years, and there is still plenty of damage left over, but she is not that woman anymore. She is a new creation, a whole person, loving, happy and pleasant in Glory. 

   I never saw my mother pleasant and happy, yet in all the dreams I've had since she's passed, she's been happy, pleasant and very supportive of me.  I can't wait to meet the woman she is now, and I will have the chance, sooner rather than later. Sin is sin, whether we fall into it, or commit it with malice-a-forethought, and we are in need of forgiveness from GOD for every sin, past, present and future.  Here is where GOD looks at the righteousness of Jesus and his work on the cross, and not the decades worth of sin that we either fall into, or plot in vain. 

   Grace is not a license to sin, but in the end, if we do take that license to sin, in the end, GOD knows our true hearts, even if we hide it from the world.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I see this suffering as a gift from GOD. He will use it to bring us closer to Him either in this life or the next.   I would like to believe that He took pity on me and my mom and taught us BOTH a very valuable lesson in how GOD not only humbles us in our sin, but by doing that, He wipes away 87 years of evil behavior in one instant, and that proves to us just how BIG and WIDE is His grace and mercy.

  If Two Sparrows are Worth One Penny, What is a Dead Hawk Worth? 

(Another recycled and revised blog post)

      While I was married for three decades, I heard of the verse where it says, He hates divorce.  I believed it, however, I never knew how much He hated divorce until it happened to me.  I never saw it coming, either.  I was married for 28 years when my husband first brought up the word divorce, which was while I was going through cancer treatments.  Yeah, I just have to throw that one in there  just to rub it in a bit more.   We had been having a terrible time in our marriage for a decade before he brought it up, but I figured GOD would come in with the fix.   Our life became so difficult with job loss, dual cancers, adult child estrangements, financial oblivion, that something had to give.  I didn't know it would be my marriage.  I truly never saw the word divorce coming, because I never thought the man I became one-flesh with would ever go that far away from GOD.  I was wrong, tragically wrong, and it threw me for a loop, one from which I've still not recovered.  It may seem like from my posts I  want him back as my husband, but that's not the case.  I want him to return to YHVH GOD, because when he divorced me, he divorced the GOD of the Bible, even if he denies it to his dying breath.  People make up their own truths, and because he still goes to church, working in a ministry, while living with another woman, his truth is truth only to him.  

     During the last five years of living together, in the fiery furnace of affliction, as we were being scorched by the flames, we went in two different directions.  I looked Up to GOD for help, he looked away.  I drew closer to GOD, he drew further away.  He disgruntledly blamed GOD for our misery, and I knew GOD had a good purpose in it.  That was the beginning of the end.  We both survived cancer in the same year, but our marriage did not.  That was around the time when the Holy Spirit whispered in my spirit that GOD was taking my husband out of the home, because he failed as a spiritual leader, as a father and as a husband.  Of course, I did not believe this came from YHVH GOD Himself, but a year and a half later, my husband moved out.   Even then,  I refused to believe a divorce would happen. It took him five more years before he did file, and serve me, unexpectedly at the place where I volunteered at our local food pantry.  

    When he moved out, I told him that I would neither file nor sign any papers because  because we both made our vows to GOD ten times, two wedding ceremonies, on being a Covenant Marriage ceremony, and eight baby dedications.  If there was going to be a divorce, it would be on him, not me.  The same year he got a big windfall in the form of an inheritance, he chose to spend it on a divorce lawyer.  In fact, when the papers came, I refuse to open them up, and I took a tizzy fit, which I wrote about in an earlier blog post.  As soon as they came I tucked them neatly under his windshield wipers with a not-so-nice note.  I refused to get a lawyer, he said I didn't need one, yeah, right, but I knew my Lawyer was the One who wrote the Law. I ended up getting everything. He got to keep his little windfall.  Big deal, he kept his money but became unclean with YHVH GOD.  

     We got along, for the most part, because as a full-time mother to our bottom four children of the eight, I wasn't going to bite the hand that feeds me.  One year, on my birthday,  I lowered myself to ask him to take me to dinner, because for the last nine years, no one has taken me out for my birthday.  He said he'd give me an answer on my birthday, hoping that I would not ask again. His passive aggressiveness in an art form.  If passive aggressiveness had a name, it would be his.   When I disappointed him and asked again he told me that he was uncomfortable doing that.  In other words, he did not want to be seen with me in a restaurant, because he was almost boasting about having an "ex-wife." He had also taken up with another and was bragging her credentials on his social media.  Needless to say, I did not handle it well.  I took my usual tantrum and cussed him out.  

   While cursing him, wishing him dead, I took my usual temper tantrum, shaking my fist at GOD, yelling at Him, also, swearing that was the last straw. I swore there was nothing GOD could do to ever get me back as a totally devoted servant writer for Him.  My usual practice was blaming GOD for things other people did to me. I  was never going to open my Bible, write another encouraging Tweet or Facebook post, and least of all, another blog post.  I even deleted everything.  Thank GOD for the recycle bin, eh?   I don't know when it happened, but shortly thereafter, unbeknownst to me, GOD dropped a dead hawk in my front yard.  I live in the city.  I've never seen a hawk up close, let alone a dead one.  You would think you would find one out in the country, but not a mile from downtown.  There it was, dead as a doorknob with no explanation.   I knew that this had to be something from GOD. How often does a hawk fall from the sky and die on one's front lawn on their birthday, right after their "former" husband just failed another test from GOD?   

    Needless to say, I had to open up my Bible to find where a hawk is mentioned in the Bible, and there it was.  It's an abominable bird, an unclean bird that we are to never touch.  Wow!  Now that was pretty powerful. GOD did not want me to celebrate my birthday with an "unclean animal."  He did not want me to even touch him, let alone dine with him.  

    What GOD was telling me was that what my husband did was an abomination, making him a spiritually  unclean man because he bailed on his vows to GOD, without cause. Man's NO-FAULT civil divorce is a way to go against GOD with man's civil laws, thereby convincing himself that is okay and acceptable. When he divorced me, he divorced himself from the ten times he made vows to YHVH GOD to never divorce.  My covenant husband has no fear of GOD's punishment, nor would he recognize it when it came, and believe me, it has.   There is a sin unto death that one can commit when their heart grows so cold against the LORD, that He has no more use for them down here, and they are doing more damage than good.  No one knows when that will happen, except GOD.

   I'm not going to deny it,  I expected widowhood to come the very first time he even considered divorce, let alone did it.  Surely, this man has no purpose I thought.  I had those thoughts from 2014-through this current day.  I expect at some point, he's going to go too far in angering YHVH GOD, especially on the day when he said to me, "Your GOD is the mean-ass GOD of the Old Testament."'   When he said that, I stepped back, fully expecting lightning to strike, but it didn't, and here we are several years later, he's almost 100K poorer, but still going strong in his life of sin.   Our days are numbered, GOD has the number planned out before we are ever born. Scripture is clear that every day was written in His book before one of them began.   (Psalm 139:16)  January 30, 2022 was the day for that poor hawk.  That was the day GOD said to him, "Sorry, unclean animal, but your time is done."   Is there a correlation?  GOD was showing me every unclean animal has their day, and I don't suspect unclean animals will be in Heaven, neither will unclean humans.  

   The majority of our adult children have followed in their earthly father's footsteps and have turned their backs on GOD, also, some even on me. After all, nothing says, "I hate your mother so much, that I don't even want to be related to her after 37 years." If they don't see him being punished for turning his back on GOD, then they can get away with it also, or can they? The human rebellious spirit has indominable ways of writing off bad things that happen, without attributing it to it being the consequences of sin.   Because my former husband and I had a Covenant Marriage ceremony in 1990, in GOD'S eyes we are still married regardless of what a civil judge says. After all, man answers to God's Laws, not God answering to man's laws. 

   Right now, I consider myself a "married widow," married to an unclean man.  I am a woman trapped in a dead marriage, imprisoned by my own virtue because I refuse to go against Scripture or my own promises to GOD to never divorce and remarry, and YHVH GOD has kept all men away from me to help me keep those vows.  I can't say for a fact that I'm strong enough to keep them on my own, but my heart wants to stay in step with His will, even if my flesh is weak.  GOD will never go against His own Character or Word. There won't be another husband for me while my Covenant husband is still breathing, because to GOD, I am still married.  It's a dreadfully lonely life, and one I am having a hard time dealing with, and my relationship with GOD is suffering for it. 

    GOD understands when we wrestle with Him.  He promises justice and vindication for His devoted servants, yet, I've seen neither.  He also says that it's not good for man to be alone, (and even worse for the weaker sex), yet, He has chosen this life for me. So, we battle it out, He always wins. People do not understand why I cannot just accept a divorce and move on, like normal people.  I'm not normal.  I'm different, and I cannot accept people turning their backs on YHVH GOD and be okay with it. I'll grieve them forever, like He does.  I know that I operate based on my emotional state, that is how many of us are built, that's what makes us good nurturers. Hence, my emotions sometimes take over and I lose all hope for a better future.  There's nothing I would like more than another husband to guide, lead, and tell me when to shut up, but that is not GOD's will for my life right now.

    What I do know is that if it takes GOD dropping a dead hawk on my lawn on my birthday right after being dissed by my husband, again, to let me know that He is watching and He is taking care of my situation on His time in His Way, and that He is going to comfort me and let me know that He is here, every lonely minute of the day, well then,  I have no right to complain. So, instead of asking for vindication and a new husband, I've settle with asking GOD to help me stop complaining and be content with His ordained will. After all, it's better to be alone than with an unclean animal or human.  My covenant husband absolute despises when I write about the his divorcing me and GOD, but not more than GOD hates what divorce does to wives and children and a good standing with Him.