If Two Sparrows are Worth One Penny, What is a Dead Hawk Worth? 

(Another recycled and revised blog post)

      While I was married for three decades, I heard of the verse where it says, He hates divorce.  I believed it, however, I never knew how much He hated divorce until it happened to me.  I never saw it coming, either.  I was married for 28 years when my husband first brought up the word divorce, which was while I was going through cancer treatments.  Yeah, I just have to throw that one in there  just to rub it in a bit more.   We had been having a terrible time in our marriage for a decade before he brought it up, but I figured GOD would come in with the fix.   Our life became so difficult with job loss, dual cancers, adult child estrangements, financial oblivion, that something had to give.  I didn't know it would be my marriage.  I truly never saw the word divorce coming, because I never thought the man I became one-flesh with would ever go that far away from GOD.  I was wrong, tragically wrong, and it threw me for a loop, one from which I've still not recovered.  It may seem like from my posts I  want him back as my husband, but that's not the case.  I want him to return to YHVH GOD, because when he divorced me, he divorced the GOD of the Bible, even if he denies it to his dying breath.  People make up their own truths, and because he still goes to church, working in a ministry, while living with another woman, his truth is truth only to him.  

     During the last five years of living together, in the fiery furnace of affliction, as we were being scorched by the flames, we went in two different directions.  I looked Up to GOD for help, he looked away.  I drew closer to GOD, he drew further away.  He disgruntledly blamed GOD for our misery, and I knew GOD had a good purpose in it.  That was the beginning of the end.  We both survived cancer in the same year, but our marriage did not.  That was around the time when the Holy Spirit whispered in my spirit that GOD was taking my husband out of the home, because he failed as a spiritual leader, as a father and as a husband.  Of course, I did not believe this came from YHVH GOD Himself, but a year and a half later, my husband moved out.   Even then,  I refused to believe a divorce would happen. It took him five more years before he did file, and serve me, unexpectedly at the place where I volunteered at our local food pantry.  

    When he moved out, I told him that I would neither file nor sign any papers because  because we both made our vows to GOD ten times, two wedding ceremonies, on being a Covenant Marriage ceremony, and eight baby dedications.  If there was going to be a divorce, it would be on him, not me.  The same year he got a big windfall in the form of an inheritance, he chose to spend it on a divorce lawyer.  In fact, when the papers came, I refuse to open them up, and I took a tizzy fit, which I wrote about in an earlier blog post.  As soon as they came I tucked them neatly under his windshield wipers with a not-so-nice note.  I refused to get a lawyer, he said I didn't need one, yeah, right, but I knew my Lawyer was the One who wrote the Law. I ended up getting everything. He got to keep his little windfall.  Big deal, he kept his money but became unclean with YHVH GOD.  

     We got along, for the most part, because as a full-time mother to our bottom four children of the eight, I wasn't going to bite the hand that feeds me.  One year, on my birthday,  I lowered myself to ask him to take me to dinner, because for the last nine years, no one has taken me out for my birthday.  He said he'd give me an answer on my birthday, hoping that I would not ask again. His passive aggressiveness in an art form.  If passive aggressiveness had a name, it would be his.   When I disappointed him and asked again he told me that he was uncomfortable doing that.  In other words, he did not want to be seen with me in a restaurant, because he was almost boasting about having an "ex-wife." He had also taken up with another and was bragging her credentials on his social media.  Needless to say, I did not handle it well.  I took my usual tantrum and cussed him out.  

   While cursing him, wishing him dead, I took my usual temper tantrum, shaking my fist at GOD, yelling at Him, also, swearing that was the last straw. I swore there was nothing GOD could do to ever get me back as a totally devoted servant writer for Him.  My usual practice was blaming GOD for things other people did to me. I  was never going to open my Bible, write another encouraging Tweet or Facebook post, and least of all, another blog post.  I even deleted everything.  Thank GOD for the recycle bin, eh?   I don't know when it happened, but shortly thereafter, unbeknownst to me, GOD dropped a dead hawk in my front yard.  I live in the city.  I've never seen a hawk up close, let alone a dead one.  You would think you would find one out in the country, but not a mile from downtown.  There it was, dead as a doorknob with no explanation.   I knew that this had to be something from GOD. How often does a hawk fall from the sky and die on one's front lawn on their birthday, right after their "former" husband just failed another test from GOD?   

    Needless to say, I had to open up my Bible to find where a hawk is mentioned in the Bible, and there it was.  It's an abominable bird, an unclean bird that we are to never touch.  Wow!  Now that was pretty powerful. GOD did not want me to celebrate my birthday with an "unclean animal."  He did not want me to even touch him, let alone dine with him.  

    What GOD was telling me was that what my husband did was an abomination, making him a spiritually  unclean man because he bailed on his vows to GOD, without cause. Man's NO-FAULT civil divorce is a way to go against GOD with man's civil laws, thereby convincing himself that is okay and acceptable. When he divorced me, he divorced himself from the ten times he made vows to YHVH GOD to never divorce.  My covenant husband has no fear of GOD's punishment, nor would he recognize it when it came, and believe me, it has.   There is a sin unto death that one can commit when their heart grows so cold against the LORD, that He has no more use for them down here, and they are doing more damage than good.  No one knows when that will happen, except GOD.

   I'm not going to deny it,  I expected widowhood to come the very first time he even considered divorce, let alone did it.  Surely, this man has no purpose I thought.  I had those thoughts from 2014-through this current day.  I expect at some point, he's going to go too far in angering YHVH GOD, especially on the day when he said to me, "Your GOD is the mean-ass GOD of the Old Testament."'   When he said that, I stepped back, fully expecting lightning to strike, but it didn't, and here we are several years later, he's almost 100K poorer, but still going strong in his life of sin.   Our days are numbered, GOD has the number planned out before we are ever born. Scripture is clear that every day was written in His book before one of them began.   (Psalm 139:16)  January 30, 2022 was the day for that poor hawk.  That was the day GOD said to him, "Sorry, unclean animal, but your time is done."   Is there a correlation?  GOD was showing me every unclean animal has their day, and I don't suspect unclean animals will be in Heaven, neither will unclean humans.  

   The majority of our adult children have followed in their earthly father's footsteps and have turned their backs on GOD, also, some even on me. After all, nothing says, "I hate your mother so much, that I don't even want to be related to her after 37 years." If they don't see him being punished for turning his back on GOD, then they can get away with it also, or can they? The human rebellious spirit has indominable ways of writing off bad things that happen, without attributing it to it being the consequences of sin.   Because my former husband and I had a Covenant Marriage ceremony in 1990, in GOD'S eyes we are still married regardless of what a civil judge says. After all, man answers to God's Laws, not God answering to man's laws. 

   Right now, I consider myself a "married widow," married to an unclean man.  I am a woman trapped in a dead marriage, imprisoned by my own virtue because I refuse to go against Scripture or my own promises to GOD to never divorce and remarry, and YHVH GOD has kept all men away from me to help me keep those vows.  I can't say for a fact that I'm strong enough to keep them on my own, but my heart wants to stay in step with His will, even if my flesh is weak.  GOD will never go against His own Character or Word. There won't be another husband for me while my Covenant husband is still breathing, because to GOD, I am still married.  It's a dreadfully lonely life, and one I am having a hard time dealing with, and my relationship with GOD is suffering for it. 

    GOD understands when we wrestle with Him.  He promises justice and vindication for His devoted servants, yet, I've seen neither.  He also says that it's not good for man to be alone, (and even worse for the weaker sex), yet, He has chosen this life for me. So, we battle it out, He always wins. People do not understand why I cannot just accept a divorce and move on, like normal people.  I'm not normal.  I'm different, and I cannot accept people turning their backs on YHVH GOD and be okay with it. I'll grieve them forever, like He does.  I know that I operate based on my emotional state, that is how many of us are built, that's what makes us good nurturers. Hence, my emotions sometimes take over and I lose all hope for a better future.  There's nothing I would like more than another husband to guide, lead, and tell me when to shut up, but that is not GOD's will for my life right now.

    What I do know is that if it takes GOD dropping a dead hawk on my lawn on my birthday right after being dissed by my husband, again, to let me know that He is watching and He is taking care of my situation on His time in His Way, and that He is going to comfort me and let me know that He is here, every lonely minute of the day, well then,  I have no right to complain. So, instead of asking for vindication and a new husband, I've settle with asking GOD to help me stop complaining and be content with His ordained will. After all, it's better to be alone than with an unclean animal or human.  My covenant husband absolute despises when I write about the his divorcing me and GOD, but not more than GOD hates what divorce does to wives and children and a good standing with Him.