When the Goal Post is moved beyond where the eyes can see. 

From 1989-2014, I had my growing family to live for, my eight children and my (who I thought was my devoted) husband. It was my duty to look after them, take care of them, to grow in Christ for them.   

In 2008, the bottom fell out, and my family was shattered, losing our first born to the devil, and what was the beginning of a seven-year-heart-breaking total estrangement.  I had just given birth to my eighth child, and I tail-spinned into a horrible depression. I don't even remember 2009. Yet, I still had the rest of my children and my husband to look after, and a purpose and a reason to keep living, even though through that serious depression, I eventually became “estranged” from GOD in that process. 

Then, unexpectedly, in 2012, GOD showed up in a HUGE way, and drew me back into Himself in a miraculous way, bringing me closer to Him than I had ever been in my twenty-one-year walk with Him.  He gave me another assignment, a writing career. I was to write about the bottom falling out, to help others who had been shattered in similar ways.  I was to teach them how to cope and hope.  I lived in the Bible, and studied my heart out. I wrote a book in 2012, then a fictional series from 2013-2015.  I worked my heart out, and at the same time, tended to my family, again. I did that so faithfully, not even knowing if the bottom would ever re-appear. Little did I know, that doing that was the bottom re-appearing. Then in 2013, it fell out, again, and again in 2014.  Again, I kept writing, I had a purpose. That year both my husband and I were diagnosed with cancer.  We both went through cancer within six months from each other. It was a terminal cancer that killed our marriage. Again, I kept writing believing I had purpose. By the end of 2015, there seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, so I kept vigilantly writing, studying, and praying.

I had a new purpose, a new reason to keep going. It gave me new hope that maybe there was a "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" for me.  A new life, a better life where the bottom would stop falling out.  Around late 2017,  I started losing hope in that new purpose, but in early 2018, I discovered the Q plan. With all the Bible studying I had under my belt, having acquired some GREAT depth of Old Testament knowledge and historicity of GOD’s dealings with His people, mostly through typology, I found the Q-plan in the Bible in the story of the Exiles from Babylon.

NOW, I really had a purpose and a reason to keep studying, praying, and writing. It kept building to a climax of winning just around the corner for the next THREE years, new hopes, new victories, a few losses in between, and through impending divorce, and more shattering and splintering of my family, I kept going, because I truly believed that GOD was going to heal everything that was broken in my life, and a “soul harvest,” was next up in my life.

      NOW, I have no husband, my family is splintered and this has been the last twelve years of my life.  The promise of Joel 2:25 which I have been waiting decades for doesn't seem like it will ever arrive.  Death is my only way out, but it's not my decision to make.  I'm trapped by the Providential Hand of GOD, because this was His will for my life.  Sometimes, GOD's will sucks big time, and there ain't a DAMN thing we can do about it.  

Something good is supposed to come from all of this, and at one point, I believed it would.  Every day, I wake up the same way I went to sleep, discourage, despaired or living in hope deferred.  There is not way out, because the Sovereign Hand of GOD willed this, planned this, and it will only end when He says it will end.  I can't even run away, because He keeps dragging me back.  Free will is a fallacy for some of us.  I totally get Jeremiah, living in Job's world and if you want a better understanding of the life Jeremiah lived, here is one of my favorite Bible movies of all time!  Jeremiah     When he cried out to GOD from behind those bars, I bawled like a baby, because I totally get him.  I signed up to serve with my whole heart 32 years ago, and it's been a life in the fiery furnace of affliction.  I'm sure GOD has good reasons for it.  So, I know that all this bad stuff will help someone else when I'm gone, I'm just ready to be gone, now, so it will.  I'll be happy in heaven, and GOD will be helping someone down here with the tears I cried when I was down here.   

     

 WHEN I CANNOT FORGIVE GOD

When we were children, and our parents did something we that made us angry, like children, we reacted with mad, sad, or hurt.  At the time, they did what they did, because they felt it was best for us, and yet, we didn’t like our parents. Some of us took tizzy fits, some of us withdrew.  Some of us even told our parents that we didn’t like/love them. We held grudges against them. We may even had said things to them out of our pain, that we didn’t really mean, but at the time, we thought we did.  We weren’t so much disrespectful as our words were just the linguist of our emotions or pain.

Likewise, as children of GOD, if we don't have this kind of open and honest relationship with Him, like the above, then we aren't being real with Him.  It is not as if He doesn't know what we are really feeling, anyway. It is not as if He doesn’t know what it’s like to be human and limited in our capacity to understand or contain our emotions and pain.  Did our parents disown us when we got mad at them, or reprimand us?  If they were good parents, they did not, rather they stood there watching us, pitying us with the full knowledge that we had no idea what we were saying, or why, but that they understood something we couldn’t.  They understood, because their minds were capable of understanding that which we weren’t capable of comprehending. 

It is the exact SAME way with our Heavenly Father. I tell people I’m mad at GOD, or that I am having a beef with Him, or even that I’m holding on to some kind of grudge against Him.  It isn’t but a moment before someone in the church decides that I need some serious reprimanding, rebuking, or correcting, and they use the ten percent of their Bible knowledge as a weapon against a bruised reed. 

What did GOD do when Elijah took his little fit? He graced him with His very own presence. When one of His prophets reached the point of wishing death upon themselves rather than take another breath, it was never GOD's reaction to reprimand or shame them.  He knew, He understood, He had compassion, and the fullness of patience with their limited capacity to grasp what He was really doing.  If you don’t believe me, check out Elijah and Jonah and Jeremiah, to name a few.  When Job held a grudge, he was “reprimanded” by Elohim, but only after YHWH patiently let Job process all that he was thinking and feeling in his limited capacity as a human with his limited knowledge of what GOD was doing with and for him. 

GOD knows why I'm mad at Him. Why should I try to hide the truth from Him or anybody else, for that matter.  How will others who are struggling feel they are free to express themselves to their Heavenly All-Knowing Father?  My fellow bruised reeds need to be able to freely express their hurt, knowing that GOD doesn't react toward them like most church people, who oppressed and shamed them.  We bruised reeds have been lied to by being told that it was a "sin to get mad" at GOD.   The sin was not being honest with GOD.  If I held back, I’d be more of a sinner and a church phony, putting on a show, trying to look good for others, without being truly open for my fellow bruised reeds and for myself to learn and process what all these emotions mean.  It's in the emotional reactions that we truly learn Who our  Loving Heavenly Father really is to us.  When I say that I  cannot forgive Him for what He has done to me over the past few years, what I’m saying is that I can’t understand what He’s done or why.  Sometimes, it's easier to forgive another faulty human when they do us wrong. We can blame their hurtful actions against us on human nature, but when it comes to GOD, He does no wrong, even if it feels like it to us, even if we can see another way out of a mess, but He won't allow that.  

That being said, He is still my Heavenly father. I understand that He knows best, and I don't. I know that He sees what's ahead, and I don't. I know that He is worthy of praise, even if I can’t find the words to say it or the feelings to do it.  My knowledge of the Holy doesn't change the hurt in my heart, or the grudge that I'm holding on to out of my inability to understand what He is doing and why. Short-sightedness is not a sin, either is hurt over what GOD does that we can't fathom or comprehend.  The only sin against GOD is blaspheming the Holy Spirit and that's a whole different blog post that I'm not in a place to write, yet. 

So, it's okay to be open with GOD, like our toddlers and young children are open with us. He doesn't get mad at our "temper tantrums" like we don't get mad at our children's inability to comprehend things too deep for them to accept with happy and grateful understanding.  GOD know the trauma of our hearts that He Himself wrote into our life story.  It must have been worse for him to watch us headed for that train wreck, than His weeping with us in the after affects of it.  Can you imagine knowing the agony that your child is going to be going through ahead of time, and you can't do a thing about it to stop it? 

 

 

JUST BREATHE!

 After 33 years of parenting EIGHT children, I've learned one thing, DO NOT PANIC! 

There is WAY too much information going out there.  Everyone swears they have the secret intel.  Every account swears it's the official accounts.  There is NO way to tell on Telegram who is official and who is not.  So, I opened my Bible and I went to the book of Amos.  Then I went to the book of Jonah.  I found some great Scriptures that really help me calm down and listen to the Holy Spirit.  GOD gave Nineveh a chance to repent, which they did.  I do believe that the majority of Americans have repented and turned to GOD for help. 

He is a GRACIOUS MERCIFUL GOD, and He is NOT condemning America.  Just like He said if there were 10 righteous people in S & G He would not condemn it.  Well, there's MORE than 10 here.  So, sit back, people, try not to listen to other people, open your Bible, in particular the OT.  STOP listening to your pastors who claim to "know" everything, because they don't.  Any incorporated church is there for the $$ to fill seats.  If your pastor gets his salary from preaching, he is what we call a hireling.  Even Paul was a dual income teacher. 

I'm sorry, but I'll never believe a NT pastor again, after 31 years in the church.  I am not longer a part of the church, I am a Messianic Jew (by DNA) in The Remnant.  Here is how to tell if your pastor knows what he's talking about, in regards to the church-age timeline and what GOD will do next, (which no one knows, by the way): Ask him if he knows what Zerubbabel's prophecy is.  If he doesn't, then he's preaching the same stuff that THOUSANDS of others have been preaching for 300 yrs.  I want you all to know, Matthew Henry (Bible Commentator) isn't GOD. 

Open your OT prophets, in particular, Haggai, Zechariah, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Amos, Jonah, and the like and you will find HOPE for America.  Look for verses that reference the "Tribe of Joseph, or Ephraim."  I truly believe that GOD was referring to the US the 13th tribe when He prophesied about them.  That's MY interpretation.  Don't go running off telling others, just pray on it.  I’m an author, but NOT one for sale.  I don't sell my books, I give them away.  What GOD taught me is meant to be shared for free.  I take the same attitude as Paul on this one. 

You cannot trust a pastor, I'm sorry to say, who has been to seminary who's main goal was to "build" a career in the ministry.  The ministry was NEVER meant to build careers.  That, again, is MY opinion.  I'm just a nobody woman, mother of 8 whose lived the past TWLEVE years in the fiery furnace of affliction and spent the previous thirty preparing for the fiery furnace of affliction, although, unbeknownst to me, at that time.  I'm still in here and wondering if I'll ever be set free.  Until then, I share what I've learned in here, and believe me, my friends it’s HOT in here!