I Hear Voices, I Hear Voices!

      I was just talking to GOD about something so dear on my heart. I thought I heard in my spirit Him reminding me of something that happened 37 years ago when I first began dating my husband, whom I did not know would end up being my husband, then.   I wondered if that was GOD reminding me of what I thought was such an insignificant moment. 

     It was the last day I ever spent with my college boyfriend of three years. At the time we had broken up, but the attachment was still there, and he was trying to get me back. I simply adored his family, even more than I loved my own.  They accepted me and loved me back more than I had ever been loved.  I had just assumed we would be together for the rest of our lives.  I was hell-bent on marrying into this family and spending my life with him.  I was not used to being without him in my life, because we were together upwards of twelve hours a day, everyday.  I don't remember a day I spent without him all those years.  Not being with him felt like not being with my left arm. (I'm left-handed)  He was the best thing that had ever happened to me up to that age.  

    I remembered that morose feeling of dread I had inside all that day. It told me, this is no more, it needs to stop. I was so crushed and heart-broken.  I couldn't bear to tell him because he loved me so much and I loved him.  I did not want to hurt him, but I knew something else was coming. I wasn't even a Christian then. I knew it would be the last time we would ever be together.  I never stopped loving him, but I knew, I had to move on.  It was a difficult break up that took amost six months. 

     After the memory suddenly flooded my mind, I asked GOD if that very old memory, which I have not remembered since that day, if it was Him who sent it to prove the answer to His answer to me.   Then He reminded me of the three "voices" we hear in our heads and what He taught me a while ago of how to tell the difference.  Sometimes, the hardest voice to obey or understand is the one that comes from YHWH GOD.

The three voices in our head:

    The devil's minions' voices as they are allowed to plant thoughts in there.  They are negative, pessimistic, pertain to the lust of the flesh, bathed in confusion, discouraging. They are full of doubt. We can be delivered from these if we pray to Jesus. He defeats them.

      The carnal nature is not as pessimistic, but includes our personal desires, things that appeal to our hearts or things we "wish." These also appeal to our flesh, but maybe in a more wholesome way at times.  They may even be of goodwill, but not GOD's will.  We can talk ourselves out of the carnal nature voices with Scriptures GOD has taught us. 

     The Holy Spirit, it matches GOD's character and agrees with Scripture.  It makes no sense in human reasoning. It comes back over and over again, and we cannot make it go away no matter how hard we try. Sometimes it is an unpleasant thought of something we have to do, and sometimes it's full of hope and belief for the impossible, knowing GOD can do it. 

 

 

The Stepping Stones to Success Require Being Forcibly Stuffed with Humble Pie. 

     I hate that I am "growing old" alone, but it is GOD's will for me at this point in my life.  After seeing this picture of myself pop up on my app that brings the past back to light by way of my photos, I now see that these were apparently happier days.  This photo was taken twenty years ago today.  I remember this day exactly.  It was one of those "9" birthdays that I have always hated. I was not happy about hitting the dreaded 4-0.  I hated twenty-nine, thirty-nine, forty-nine, and if you can do the math, being that this was twenty years ago, I do not have to even mutter the age I will be at the end of this month.  I never thought I would never hate my birthday as much as I have hated it the last ten years!

      Even though I was going through somewhat of a depressive state, I had no idea just how difficult and heartbreaking life could actually become in later years.   I remember this time in my life. I was suffering from infertility. Yes, this octomom suffered from infertility for eighteen months after child number five. Everyone told me, "Be happy with the five you have." It wasn't as if I wasn't happy, it was that I knew in my heart GOD had another one coming, and I could not get regnant. 

     I had no problem getting pregnant with the first five. I could not understand what was going wrong. I had  my first known miscarriage of the four total when I was forty years old, six months after this picture was taken. (I had an unknown miscarriage between numbers four and five that I only realized after my first known miscarriage)   It was difficult enough getting pregnant. So when I lost it, I went into a deep depression. A friend of mine suggested a book called The Thyroid Solution. It turned out that I had hypothyroidism, and had it for several years.   It was written by a the chief of endocrinology at Baylor University hospital. I recommend this book to everyone. 

     I had been tested, but because my TSH was less than 5, all the doctors told me that I was fine. They were treating the lab results, not the patient or the symptoms.  Never ever accept, "The lab test was fine." You need to take a proactive interest in your own body, and always investigate and research until your eyes bleed. My thyroid was 3.2 then. I had more than 20 symptoms of hypothyroidism, according to this book. One of them was pre-mature gray hairs.  I found my first white hairs when I was only twenty-one years old.  I remember pulling 75 out one Saturday night when I had no better plans. Hypothyroidism is an undiagnosed epidemic affecting men and women,  because doctors treat lab results, not symptoms. My friend gave me the name of a doctor who treated the patient, not the lab results. He started me on thyroid medication and three weeks later, I was pregnant with number six.

     My OB had told me when I was having trouble getting pregnant, to be happy with the five GOD gave me and accept that my baby making days were over. I could not accept anyone's advice, because I knew in my heart there was another one coming. It was awful for 18 months, because no one believed me. Well, I was forty-one when number six was born, forty-three when number seven was born and one month shy of forty-six when number eight was born.  I guess my experienced OB was wrong, because he was operating out of a textbook, while I was operating from my faith in GOD and what the Bible says.  

     Before each baby was conceived, I knew that another one was coming.  GOD has put that child and the burning desire to have another in my heart.  I can prove that because after number eight, we named Max, because we reached our Max for the first time in twenty-one years. For years, Psalm 37:4 has been my life's verse.  Now, I understand why.  

    When we delight ourselves in the LORD, the desires of your heart He gave us.  (The proper translation from the original Hebrew) The Hebrew word NATAN, means set, put, hence the reason why we desire a said thing is because GOD wants us to desire it and pray our hearts out to get it. 

     Never ever accept what anyone else tells you if GOD has told you differently. Always believe what the Holy Spirit whispers to you in the light, and never doubt it in the dark. These are the lessons that GOD continually teaches me.  I had a recent setback, and it threw me into another one of those depressive tizzy fits.   Everyone tells me that my "dream/vision" is my own, that it was my own desire, and that I made up all the signs GOD has given me in my imagination.   GOD has again proven that it is His will for my life. This time, it hasn't been only 18 months, but almost ten years. 

    When I first began this work of writing for the LORD, back then, you could not have convinced me that I would go ten years without seeing any fruit from my labor for the LORD.  I'm glad He has hidden any fruit from me, because the flawed human I am, I know that I would have and still would have let success go to my head. I'm thankful that very rarely do I get a letter from a reader telling me just how much my writing has helped them. The last thing I need is praise from humans.

     It is a rare thing for any person to be able to properly handle long range and huge success in their field or craft.  That kind of "praise and worship" from the public will feed the beastly ego in all of us whether that person is a believer in Jesus or not.  Just because one believes and follows His ways, does not mean that they are not easily tripped up by the minions the devil sends in his strategy to defeat us. We are all human, and we all fail and fall.  I'm so glad that all my failures and falls were done while I was still a nobody.  Back when I first started writing, I wanted a great deal of fruit and success, however, seeing how many times I have failed at my job, I am so happy that I have more failures under my belt than successes.