ONLY GOD can forgive sins, and ONLY then must we follow suit.

I have been going through the most horrendous spiritual depression, and there is no therapist, no medicine, no cure, accept one, forgiveness.   I've had this horrible war raging inside of me. It has turned me into a raving maniac on-line. One minute I'm shouting from the rooftop, swearing to take down Goliath, the next, I'm doubling back, because I just can't take this anger that comes and goes.  One  day, I think that I've managed it, it's forgotten and forgiven, then I have a flashback, and the burn starts all over, again.  I've been spiritually raped, and I just can't get over it. I'm sorry, but rape is an ugly ugly offense.  What is spiritual rape?  It is the same thing as mental adultery that Jesus talked about in Matthew 5, when we just lust after that married person.  

We are all familiar with what Jesus said, if we lust after a married person, we've committed adultery already in our hearts.    So, it stands to reason if we can commit adultery in our hearts, we can also commit rape.   If a man has manipulated a woman into bed by lies, schemes, and false pretenses, false promises, well then, that man has spiritually raped that woman.  Especially if that man claims to be a Christian.  Now, I'm not saying that I'm not guilty here. I'm as guilty as Bathsheba, but I'm way more sorrowful, and I have paid the price for my sin.  I repented and I've done my time in this prison of unresolved anger.   The offender on the other hand, will not even acknowledge the sin done to me. As a matter of fact, he has taken the road of Amnon in 2 Samuel, and hated me, blocking all communications with me, AND in the most hateful of ways.

To make a long story short, Amnon, son of David, the-apple-doesn't-fall-far-from-the-tree-son, fell in love, or lust with his half sister.  I know, ewww. . He had to have her, so his not so scrupulous pal told him how to get her in bed, and it worked like magic.  Once the conquest was accomplished, she was tossed out on her..., well, you know.  A raging hatred grew in Amnon's heart immediately after that.  It’s cruel fate, and I understand it, having lived it, myself.  He ruined her entire life by robbing her of her virginity and her dignity.  He not only physically raped her, but he spiritually raped her.  

So, I'm guilty, yes, I've repented and GOD has forgiven me, because that is the Grace and Mercy of GOD, but my dignity is gone, and so is my honor.  However, the other party in this not so happy party has not repented.  In fact, he has repeated the pattern with other woman he could do it to.  He has left a trail of broken hearts, and he isn't even the least bit sorrowful.  If he has repented, I would have known about it, because he would have done the right thing, and gone on his apology tour, seeking grace and forgiveness for all his victims.  I’ve given him opportunity after opportunity to receive my grace.  This last attempt was met with my reaching out to him as “marked as spam.”  We all know what electronic spam it, it’s JUNK mail, worthy of the garbage bin.  Who doesn’t hate spam?  Imagine being told, “you are spam to me and I’m sending you to the junk bin.”   I doubt there is an UGLIER thing a person could say and do to another who loved him, blessed him, and cared genuinely for him, even though NONE of those feelings or actions were reciprocated.  I wonder how many times we “mark as spam,” the times GOD reaches out to us to offer grace to initiate a response of repentance and sorrow for our ugly deeds?  

So, I imagine you can fathom the battle going on inside of me.  Christians, i.e. church people have been taught the wrong thing for generations, and that is the reason for the horrible battle we feel with hurt multiplied by guilt.  I'm free now, not any happier, but at least I do not have to do that which I cannot do:  

F-O-R-G-I-V-E    

I doubt anyone knows how much of a relief this is.  I know, I can hear you, too, saying, "Jesus tell us to forgive seventy times seven.  Allow me to educate you on something I see in this Scripture that I never saw before.  

When Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven time?"  Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."    We have  been taught this verse so out of context it's not funny.  That's the problem with being a Christian and just going to church to be spoon-fed, or in some cases bottle-fed the Bible.  We are taught random Scriptures, and a pastor will build a whole sermon around this one Scripture. Even if the entire sermon is way off the pendulum of what is and isn't acceptable to GOD,  because he used a Scripture that seems to be in line with the sermon, we just believe him.  Did you note that little slight of hand?  The Scripture is in line with the sermon?  Shouldn't it be the other way around?  The sermon is in line with the Scripture?  

Let's note where this Scripture is; smack dab in the middle of Jesus instructing his disciples what to do about someone who sins against us.  In verse 15, it is clear that if this person does not recognize or acknowledge their sin against us on their own, we are to take it to them.  (Note, this is a brother in the LORD, we cannot do this with people outside the church.)  If this person repents, apologizes, Yay!  Yet, if not, then we should take one or two witnesses with us.  Again, if he repents, Yay!  Lastly, if this person continues to deny his sin, then boot him!  This means, NO FORGIVENESS.  This person now becomes the one worthy of the garbage bin.  If Jesus doesn't forgive him, then who are we to usurp Jesus's authority.

Next, Jesus give the parable of the unmerciful servant who owes his master big time.  He pleads for mercy and receives it.  He then in turn goes to his servant and demands payment for the little owed to him. This minor debtor pleads for mercy, but the swindler has no mercy and throws him in prison.  When the master finds out about this, the master hits the roof and the stuff hits the fan, for the unmerciful middle-management jerk, who thought he was more than he really was. The next time this unrepentant “rapist,” goes to seek some favor or deliverance from GOD on a matter in which he he cannot handle, relief will not be on the table, not until he repents of the deeds he has done to others. 

Do you see a co-relations here?  In all these situations, there is repentance. Just what is repentance?  Defined, it's changing one's mind to agree with God, in this instance about our sin.  If our mind is made up, and we don't believe that we sin, and we don't believe that we need any mercy or forgiveness, then we are granted what we don't want, no mercy, no forgiveness.  If GOD isn't going to forgive someone, we cannot, either.  Note in the story of the prodigal son, the father never went chasing after the wayward son when the wayward son ran out of money.  The father waited and watched from afar, until the son came to his senses.  Likewise, GOD doesn’t always chase after us if He knows that our hearts are hardened permanently, however, if GOD knows that we have a heart after His, hidden under all that dirt, he relentless chases us, but not necessarily with more handouts, but more trials, persecutions, problems than we can handle, until we come to our senses. 

Now, let me get this straight here, we all sin against GOD, thus what Jane does against GOD is none of my business, but if Josh Pew Warmer sins against me, and he refuses to acknowledge his sin, GOD hasn't forgiven him of that sin, nor should I.  Think about it, we can't give what we are not asked to give.  If GOD does not forgive Josh Pew Warmer, we have no authority to go over GOD's head, because there is no over GOD's head.  I know this goes against everything you've learned, however, I do believe that is why the church is in the mess it is in and ineffective in reaching people with the power of the Holy Spirit.  They Holy Spirit does not act when people think of themselves as the Holy Spirit and take on matters man’s way, or interpret Scripture in ways that man thinks it should be.  In other words, the doormat doctrine is not in the Bible.  Maybe if we stop forgiving those who aren’t forgiven by GOD, then they won’t be free to continue to perpetuate spreading their sinful seed around to unsuspecting, and other stupid women like me.   

In 1 Corinthians 5,  Paul says boot the sexually immoral brother. Don't hide it, sweep it under the carpet or affirm it.  For the brother who thinks that the sexually immoral brother is NOT sinning against GOD, or the church, then both need to feel the door hitting them in the @ss on the way out. We have no right to boot the non-believer who does not already have the Holy Spirit, but only the believer who claims to be a believer.  He is doing far more damage to the body of believers by claiming to be one, sitting in a pew every week, unscathed, and continuing in his lifestyle of an unbeliever. 

Scripture always needs to verify Scripture and I wouldn't be me if I don't go back into the Old Testament to find where this principle originated.  It takes us back to the book of Joshua.  I am sure that you all know the story of Joshua and the Israelites circling the city for seven days then shouting down the walls, (by GOD's Hand, of course).  There was one other thing GOD commanded, and that was "don't steal any of the goods for yourself."

Wouldn't you know it, there was a bad apple in the bunch, and Mr. Achan got a little greedy.  He just plucked a few devoted things for himself, just a little, not much, a couple of gold coins nobody would notice, perhaps.  Nobody but GOD would miss it.  Because of his sin, the next battle did not go so well, and they all went running home with their tails between their legs, all those who survived, that is.  When Joshua sought from the LORD why,  the LORD let it be known that there was a bad apple.  Here's the part, though, he didn't tell him who it was.  Joshua had to call the tribes one by one, heads of clans one by one, fathers once by one.  Finally when they got to Achan, he knew perjury was out of the question, because GOD knows when we are lying. Congress may not be able to tell the difference, lie detector tests sometimes can sometime not, so are not reliable, but don't you try to get your sin past the Almighty, because He was up there watching it, play by play, tapping his fingers, knowing that this was not going to end well for the bad apple.

This is why I don't get televangelists who fleece the flock.  They apparently do not know the Bible or GOD, but he knows them. He knew them before the sin, during the sin, and after the sin.  So, back to Joshua, Achan confessed and sadly for the Achan family tree, the bud stopped there.  GOD had the entire family "put out" of the camp, in a very permanent sort of way.  So, to sum up, one bad apple in the whole bunch surely does spoil the entire barrel.  One approved sexually immoral person in the church ruins the entire congregation, rending them powerless to fight the enemy we fight today, the dark forces, principalities, authorities, or as I called them, the rip-tides in the Spiritual Realm.

So, Scripture must verify Scripture.  Now, I'm not telling ANYONE to go out and take revenge, that's GOD's job. What I am saying is, cheap grace ain't no grace at all.  Cheap grace is permission to do it again, and again, and again.  Cheap grace is forgiving the sin that GOD has not yet forgiven.  Cheap grace wreaks havoc in the body of the church and the body of the "victim."

I can't say that I feel better because I don't have to forgive what GOD hasn't forgiven, because here is the tricky part.  I want to forgive like GOD forgives.  I have had a sad life, and there are way too many hurts that GOD has allowed to happen to me that intimately portray GOD's hurts we cause Him.  I read that GOD feels our pain when we are in pain, I beg to differ.  I believe we feel GOD's pain when we sin or are sinned against.

 

 My Beautiful TEN Bicycles from GOD, Planned and Built Before the Creation of the World!

As a mother of eight, I'm sure it would be difficult to believe that I once struggled with infertility after my fifth baby.  I know, that's not infertility if you have five children.  Let me tell you, if you know there's another one coming deep down in your heart, and your doctor tells you that you're too old, and be thankful for what you have, grateful and satisfied is NOT something you can depend on feeling for the rest of your life.  I knew I needed another baby.  Who needs another baby after five?  A mother in whom GOD put the desire to have babies, and did not explain to her why, it was just there.  During that difficult time, I had heard a story about a father who bought his young son a bicycle for Christmas, but he bought it in July. He hid that bike, for six months, knowing full well that this was going to be his son's best Christmas ever.  Every night at bedtime, he got down on his knees with his son while the boy asked GOD for a bike. The father kept adding a new detail to the bike while they prayed to GOD for Him to bring it on Christmas.  Of course it was a detail that the bike already had. Eventually, that son had a perfect picture in his mind and heart of the type of bike he wanted for Christmas.

Of course the father agreed with the son, and encouraged him that GOD delighted in giving him this, his heart's desire, and well he would, as he was the one who placed this desire in his beloved son's heart.  The father built the son's hope and expectation up and placed the desire of that particular bike in the son's heart, knowing full well, he had it already bought it, and it was  waiting for the son, so as to build the boy's faith in GOD.  It seems kind of primitive and elementary of an example, a earthly father who love the LORD would set his son up like that for a carnal desire, but it had ramifications throughout that boy's life, because he trusted and delighted in his Godly father, and as an adult, he was able to delight and trust in his Heavenly Father.  

That is why Psalm 37:4, is my life's verse, because my desires aren't really mine, they were put there by YHWH Himself.   The Hebrew word for "shall give,"  means set or put, therefore, if we are delighting and trusting in GOD for our lives, completely, the desires of our heart, GOD set or put there.  He put them there, because he wrote those things in our life story long before the creation of the the world.  They did NOT originate with us, but with GOD even if we think it was our own desire based on our own experience of what our heart has seen in our future.  (Psalm 139:16).  Two good examples are, first, was my obsession to move here to Kentucky 25 years ago, and all eight of my babies.  

GOD began this work early in my walk with Him.  I was only five years old in the LORD, when I became obsessed with moving here to Kentucky from Massachusetts.  I did not even know where Kentucky was, nor what any of it was like.  I thought I wanted to move here because my best friend moved here, and I was just longing after her.  Then, in 1993, she invited me here.  I immediately fell in love with the Commonwealth and the beautiful landscape.  That was it for me, I HAD to move here.  I dragged my family out six months later, and my husband also decided that moving here was a great idea.  From that day forward, I cried every day for it. People kept asking me why Kentucky, and I couldn't explain it, I just desired it with my whole heart.  I just wanted to so bad. I had no idea then that GOD had put it in my heart, because GOD had planned for us to make our life here.  He was gracious to me, and the desire only pained my heart for six months.  

The next lesson in GOD putting a desire in my my heart took ten years for GOD to accomplish in me.  It wasn't until after I had my last child, and the next in explicable desire came into my heart, that I finally realized that my desires for these whacky crazy things never did originate with me.  I mean, who wants eight babies, right?  For the next fourteen years, before every child was conceived, I desperately wanted another.  When my sixth child wasn’t as easy to conceive as the others, I went into a tail spin of depression and despair, because my doctor had told me that at 39 years old,  I was “too old,” and I should be grateful for the five blessings I already had.  I was grateful, but I knew in my heart, there was another one coming.  Long story short, I went to a new doctor who diagnosed my problem as hypothyroidism, and three weeks later I was deliriously happy and very pregnant. The desire never went away, and two more blessings were sent to our already tightly packed home. Then, after the eighth one,  whom we named Max because we reached our max, the desire left, completely.  

Two years later, at 48 years old, when I found out I was pregnant, I will admit to being quite disappointed, because I didn't want another. It took a couple of weeks for me to finally get to the point of saying, “Not my will, but yours, LORD, and I accepted the probability of a ninth child.  A few weeks later, at my first doctor’s visit, I learned that I had miscarried.  I can’t say that I was devastated, because I wasn’t.  It was never my heart’s desire to have another, nor was it the LORD’s. I needed that lesson, and I have leaned on that truth to get me through these past eight horrendous years, because GOD has been building that "bicycle" in my heart for over eight years, every detail of it.  Christmas hasn’t arrived, but He keeps leading me to believe that it’s coming soon. He’s even thrown in some bonuses details that I didn’t “desire,” a head of time, but am thrilled about, like finding out today, my baby’s having a baby! 

Here I am, twelve years after my eighth child was born, and eight years after GOD put another desire in my heart, I find myself in quite the pickle.  Yes, I know this desire came from GOD, and all the details along with it, however, it's been eight years. It seems that the first lesson of six months, then the next of eighteen months, hasn't taught me a thing, because I still cry every night over this desire that GOD set in my heart.  Yes, the details have changed a bit over the eight years, but the principle is the same.  When we are grown up enough in the LORD, the challenge of working out that desire can sometimes become a major storm in our lives, tossing us with every twenty-foot wave.  The LORD fashions the heart, (Psalm 33:15), He rules over every living creature and being, (Psalm 24:1), and He will cause us to suffer for the good that He planted in our heart, because it's the story he wrote for us, long before we were ever a dream in our mother.