NO SUCH THING AS FAILING GOD

       As a former leftist, liberal, feminist, then uppity church pew dweller, then prodigal, and all around screw-up, I know about as much about YHVH GOD, who created the universe as the average screw-up.  I'm far from an expert, but I have studied the Bible inside, outside, and upside down.  I've studied the historicity of it and how GOD dealt with His people throughout the ages, especially His heroes who were total screw-ups. (They were all men, by the way, no women screw-ups in his heroine list that I could find!)  I have lived in the fiery furnace of affliction for decades, some by my own doing, some not, and there is one thing that keeps coming back to me, and it's as old as Genesis.  GOD predicted man's downfall and need for redemption in Genesis 3 and their need for deliverance in Genesis 15, as well as hundreds of other verses in the Whole Counsel of GOD. There is not one event or period of apostasy that GOD did not predict and even anticipate a need for redemption and deliverance for His people.  The plan was set, but man being a stupid as he is, he had to learn the hard way.  I'm like that.  I learn by trial and error, mostly error.  

     In fact, I daily delete my posts on my social media like I clean out my junk drawer in the kitchen.  I don't want to be guilty of posting something wrong about GOD, because as Job's friends found out, GOD's wrath burns against anyone who does not tell the truth about Him. (Job 42:7).  I highly suggest that one take note of that verse before one puts up anything on their social media about the character of the Creator.  There is nothing that irritates me more than when humans bring GOD down to our level or post Bible verses that aren't there or out of context. GOD already came down to our level, and He did a fabulous flawless job of it in Yeshua (Jesus).   He did not fail the mission, but we have thousands of times.  What I'm going to tell you isn't rocket science, so it is not going to require a very long explanation. (But don't count on that from a writer!) Even a kindergarten student could get this.  

      YHVH GOD IS OMNISCIENT!

   There, now are there any questions?  What does Omniscient mean?  Well, it means that before you were born, GOD knew every mistake you would make. He knew about that mathematical error on your first grade math paper, to the low score on your ACT or SAT's, or the D you got in Geology 101 as a college freshman, because you slept through the maps portion of the course and you turned in a blank final exam  because your dormmates were going to a frat party the weekend before the exam, and you've never been to a frat party before, and you thought you'd be safe skipping the maps portion of the textbook when cramming the night before the final!  Sound familiar?  He also knew about that girl or boy that you would charm into bed because, well, they were hot, and you were dumped by the love of your life, payback, you know? He knew about that bad marriage, that child you screwed up the first time around parenting because you had awful parents and you had no idea what you were doing as a new parent.  He knew about that guy you fell head-over-heals in love with right after your husband dumped you during your cancer treatments, and you went to bed with him, knowing full well it was wrong.  He also knew the pain you would suffer for that decision for years to come, and that's what brought real spiritual growth in your life.  He knew that after all your screw-ups and stupid posts you put on your social media that you would turn back to him with every fiber of your being. He knew that you would dedicate your life to Him, even if that meant a lonely existence with no new love in your life for the rest of your days.  

      Are you catching on?  He knew all the mistakes you were going to make. As a matter of fact, He actually weaved them into your life to teach you how to be a better person and servant.  He loved you like a son or a daughter, because He knew that you would be one, a devoted one, even whilst on your prodigal road worshiping some random B country singer to get as far away from Him as you could because life in general broke your heart and you blamed Him.  GOD knew that all your mistakes would get you a PhD in the college of Hard Knocks, and you would turn it all around and write a block buster book that would go viral after you left this earth.  The whole time you were screwing up, He knew that there would be other screw-ups who would someday need a screw-up to look up to!

  
   Learn this one fact, there is no way to fail GOD, because even if you did not do all those things He knew that He had a purpose for your life, and He was going to accomplish it whether you wanted Him to or not.  And, here's the kicker, for those outside the family of GOD, you did not fail Him either, because He knew that you would never turn to Him and want to turn your life around to do something good for the Kingdom.  It's impossible to fail someone who knows your every thought, word and deed before you were even born.  

     If you need another example of this concept, if you are a parent, tell me, do you love your children?  Are they perfect?  When they were born did you expect them to be perfect, or did you know that there would be a lifetime of mistakes that they would make before they turned thirty? It is just like you understand your rebellious teen because it's a phase, one you yourself went through.  Your child did not fail you when they went through that awkward stage of thinking they know more than you at the ripe old age of fourteen.  We cannot fail the Omniscient Creator who knew long before you took your first breath that you would be total screw-up, but one that He loved enough to send His Son for so you could live with Him forever in Paradise.  The next time you see a post where someone confesses to fail GOD, send them my way, so I can straighten them out, because that's my job.  I'm the screw-up everyone needs to know about, because I did all those things, and until I stop breathing, and even after that, GOD will accomplish though me that which He ordained before Genesis 1:1 was ever written let alone spoken. 

  Three Races, 

Two Horses and 

 One GOD! 

     Most of my readers know that  I can relate almost anything that happens in the natural to  spiritual events in heavenlies, and that is because I know that GOD is intricately involved in everything that happens on this earth because it's His creation. When a carpenter builds a house with his own hands, by the time he's finished with it, he knows almost every grain that runs in every plank of wood that built that house. He knows every intricate detail in the design, planning and construction.  GOD is much like that with His Creation and with time and events. 

      I am convinced that one of His most favorite creations besides humans, of course, is the horse.  If you have ever gotten close to one, you can see the Hand of GOD by it's stunning beauty. It wasn't until I came to the horse capital of the world that I truly discovered them, and not until I watched my very first Kentucky Derby that I truly realized the magnificence of this creature. The muscle structure of that animal when it runs just screams Divine Artistry as you see each muscle working in coordination with the bone structure. Although horse racing is as much big business as church business has become, I truly believe that GOD can speak and move through horse racing at electrifying speed if one know where to look.  

        If you haven't lived in a cave, you know that the two superstar horses this year are SOVEREIGNTY and Journalism.  If you know as much about horse racing as I do, you know that there is the Triple Crown in horse racing like there is one football Superbowl, and one NASCAR  500 Cup series race that bring out the best of the best.  The three races are The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness, and the Belmont Stakes.  Every once in a blue moon, one spectacular horse will win all three in the same year. The last time that happened was in 2018 with JUSTIFY.  He's my spirit animal, because that most astounding animal did something no other horse has ever done in the entire history of horse racing.  He came out of nowhere in the end of January, (my birthday weekend), raced for the first time in three qualifying races, and scored enough points to get into and dominate the Kentucky Derby. He then went on to easily take  the Preakness title, and finally, he received the coveted Triple Crown title in the Belmont Stakes.  I totally got into this series, because I knew my future depended on a horse race.  It was just one of the many times my answer and my relationship with GOD flourished from a fleecing!  (Judges 6).  For your enjoyment, Each leg of the the Triple Crown won by JUSTIFY)

  

    I fell crazy madly in love with that horse, not so much because of his breeding, but because of his name.  I was going through one of the most awful times of my life, and there have been many, but I clearly heard GOD promise me that He would JUSTIFY all that I have been through for a greater good. I'm not into gambling away the provisions of Jehovah Jireh, but I have no problems betting my hopes and dreams on a horse race, and GOD has always come through for me. The previously unknown JUSTIFY accomplished what no horse has ever done, then faded into the background by retiring from racing. His present job now is to reproduce other thoroughbreds.  Are you seeing what I'm seeing?  I'm a nobody with the hopes of doing the same.  He's my spirit animal because I see in him what GOD sees in me.  

    I really got involved in this years series when I learned that a horse name SOVEREIGNTY was in the Derby. SOVEREIGNTY is one of GOD's greatest character traits and the one I've battle with the most.  I told Him, (as if He didn't already know), that He could not let any other named horse beat out His SOVEREIGNTY, and that He had to prove that His Name ruled over all.  As usual, He did not disappoint.  Two of the best races I've ever seen were this years Kentucky Derby and The Belmont Stakes. (The Kentucky Derby 2025 and The Belmont Stakes 2025)  

  Recently, I asked GOD about this year's races and why SOVEREIGNTY was not going to run in the Preakness.  I knew there had to be a good answer with a deeper spiritual meaning to this, because he would have easily won the Triple Crown this year.  GOD always answers our questions, but sometimes we have to wait for the answer.  I believe GOD let me know that He took SOVEREIGNTY out of the 2nd leg of the race to show me that  the horse named Journalism does have a stake in the horse racing world and he is a powerful force.  It was then that He expanded on that answer, and the deeper meaning hit me like a Jockey's whip.  Journalism was the bonafide winner of the Preakness and came in second in the other two races just behind SOVEREIGNTY.  

     Now, if you're not putting this together yet, let me do it for you. Journalism represents man's word, and it represents man's free will.  Journalism is what man wills and writes, whereas GOD's Word is SOVEREIGN over man's word and will. So many people have told me that GOD stays out of man's free will.  I always disagree.  Man's free will and word are subject to GOD's  SOVEREIGNTY. Two of my kinship Bible characters,  Jeremiah and Jonah wanted to run from GOD (Jeremiah 20 and Jonah 1), but GOD's SOVEREIGN rule and calling on their lives prevailed.  GOD had ordained a work for them to do, and as much as both butted heads with Him His will accomplished that which He ordained.  Man's free will does carries weight in this world, many times a negative one, but GOD's SOVEREIGNTY will always win over it, because GOD will forever JUSTIFY those who follow close after Him. 

    I've fought with Him over dozens of things that have happened in my life basically because of some men's free will and how it has negatively impacted my life.  I've tried to run from GOD, but each time, He has stopped me cold dead in my tracks.  He has a race for me to run and a prize for me to win, and He knows that eventually I am going to succeed and come out in first place and win this Spiritual Race. GOD's SOVEREIGNTY will rule the race I've been running against other men's will.   If you are anything like me and you are fighting GOD's call on your life, no matter how much you lay back, no matter how slow you run, if GOD has an ordained plan to do a great work through you,  His SOVEREIGNTY will get you where you need to be and when.  Those other horses in the race will be there with you, and you need them, because if there were no other horses, they'd be no need for you to run!  

 LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS:

Is that why we are born?

      A while back, I remember reading about how it's human nature for everyone to seek love and happiness as our main pursuits over our lifetime. Who doesn't want to be in love, be loved, or be happy?  The sad fact of this part of the human nature is that sometimes we will pursue these things at the expense of others.  While we are pursuing love and happiness, at times, our pursuit causes grief and despair for others.  So, is it ever okay to pursue these things at the expense of another or if it causes grief to a fellow human being?  I think maybe that's why our divorce rate is just as high in the church as well as outside of the church.  If we aren't happy with our spouse, or we don't feel our needs met, well, we go looking for someone else to supply that which we need. 

     As a victim of divorce, I too sought refuge with a new and future potential spouse, until GOD denied me that lifetime happiness for nine years.  For years, I struggled with that, wrestling with the Almighty like Jacob, and finally letting Him prevail.  It finally occurred to me that my personal happiness in this life wasn't in the forefront of GOD's mind or desire for me.  That was a heavy pill to swallow.  What I did realize is that the Kingdom of GOD is the utmost importance to Him and building it was just part of my assignment, even if it meant the sacrifice of my best life now, as one popular evangelist titled his book.  Should we really pursue our best life now?  I've learned, no, we should not, especially at the expense of others. Being a single parent was GOD's will for my life whether I wanted to be one or not.  Did GOD will my divorce? I would say no, He did not, however, someone with free will did.  Free will is given to us when we are born. It's after we become children of GOD that we must decide if we are willing to give up that free will totally, partially or not at all.  

     Every time I try to make sense of something in my life that hurt me or tested my resolve to follow GOD's leading, I look for a precedent in the Bible and how GOD dealt with it with His servants. Some of our contemporary struggles can be found in the Scriptures, but some of them can only be solved through the principals taught to us in the Scriptures.  Blended families is just one of those things not mentioned in the Bible, but the principals of how to deal with them can be.  I can't find blended families with shared custody in the Bible. The ONLY reference I can come up with referring to any kind of a step-child scenario is in Genesis when Joseph told his family about his dreams.  When his father  Abraham was offended by the second dream, he referred to Leah as Joseph's mother, when in fact, Rachel was Joseph's true birth mother.  So, there's a step-parent, however, the birth mother or rather other wife was already dead.   The only other reference to divorce and a "step-child," would be in Matthew with Herod and Herodias and her daughter, who seduced her "step-father" with a dance. Herodias was called Philip's wife by John,  even though she married Herod.  Marriage and divorce is the equivalent of polygamy in Bible days.  Our courts may deem our marriages dissolved, but does GOD?  Doesn't the Scriptures say, "What GOD has brought together, let no man put asunder?"  

    It is a very good possibility that GOD doesn't have a second husband for me, and until recently, I couldn't understand why, seeing how my husband divorced me and took up with another.  It occurred to me when a friend of mine told me her back story of how when her mother took up with another man after leaving their father, the two daughters didn't exist anymore, or that was how they felt. That truth hit me like a bolt of lightning. Why it didn't occur to me before that shocks me.  I could not be an excellent, superb wife to a second husband and devoted full-time mother and father, in this instance, to the five children who needed me when their father left. Likewise, that other man couldn't be a devoted husband to a third wife while trying to maintain some stability for the three children who desperately needed a good stable father.  Not only did their mother put them through one divorce, but less than ten years later, she put them through another divorce with their step-father. GOD hates divorce and the damage it does to children is why.  Those precious children needed a devoted father for stability, and that's what they got, because as far as I know, GOD has denied that man any true and lasting love to fill that void in his life.  His children were more important to GOD than that man's need for a woman or wife in his life.  Back when I met that man, I wanted to love on his children, but GOD wanted me to love on my own.  I can look back now and see His Wisdom was best. As humans, it's always after the fact that we realize just how faulty our reasoning and rationalization was. 

     Because there are no blended families with shared custody in the Bible, I took that as a clue from GOD regarding what He is doing with me or going to do with me.  My children were His priority, and my first assignment was to be a devoted parent, not another spouse, trying to make another husband happy.  It was at that point that I realized GOD's will was best, as usual, I re-committed to sacrificing my will and pursuit of personal fulfillment and happiness and just accept His will and move on from there, asking Him how I can still be a better example or servant leaving something good behind. I usually accept my assignment and consider GOD's will better for all even if it's not what makes me happy in this life. It's never about me, but it's always going to be about what's best for the Kingdom. I can accept that and still be happy even if it's not what my heart and humanity craves. 

When Backed up Against the Wall, Do What GOD's Heroes Did.

     Five years ago, while serving at the local food pantry, I got served. I didn't get served food, though, I got served divorce papers. After six years of waiting this thing out, hoping that my husband would turn back to GOD, he instead, underhandedly went behind my back and retained a human divorce lawyer. He told me that I didn't need a lawyer, that he would take care of me financially, and nothing would change that. That was the case, until recently, so, I am grateful for that.  I did need a lawyer, only I wasn't going to pay a human lawyer to defend me.  I retained a Lawyer long before, when this all began, and He has been advising me through this mess. My Lawyer works pro-bono, and as the true Judge in the case, He always serves Justice where justice is due.

   My husband who used to be a dedicated man of GOD, raising our eight children with me for almost 30 years, has laid claim to a new god. and a new woman.  It's a travesty, but more than that, it's a tragedy in the making. He knows that GOD has called me to special task, and he knows better than to go after a servant who is working for the Kingdom of Heaven full-time. He has seen the mighty Hand of GOD pull off some pretty amazing feats on my behalf. This is why he is being so foolish, and I do not understand this risk he is willing to take.

   He claimed to be divorcing me after three decades, two wedding ceremonies, including a Covenant Marriage ceremony, and eight baby dedications.  I took this personal, as any faithful wife would.  I see his civil NO-FAULT divorce as his way of persecuting me.  When we are persecuted, it is not us who are being persecuted, but Jesus. In Acts 9, when Saul was stopped cold dead in his tracks on the Damascus Road on his way to arrest, persecute and put to death those Jews following the Way, Jesus took that moment to let him know just Who he was trying to oppress. When a husband divorces a faithful Covenant wife, he is also divorcing YHVH GOD.  While Saul thought he was taking ordinary men to court, he was really taking Jesus to court. Jesus was having none of that, because Saul had a destiny, one he never suspected. His destiny would change the course of the entire world, and he would go from being the church's chief opponent, to the church's chief proponent, and write 1/3 of the New Testament for all of us to benefit for these last two thousand years.

     Well, I don't have that kind of destiny, but there is a work GOD has for me to do, and my husband has known that.  By going up against me, instead of protecting me, he was really going up against GOD.  I've tried to warn him of that fact.  Let me tell you, many people have tried to go up against GOD and GOD's people, and to this date, none have won. When I got those divorce papers in front of all my volunteer friends at the food pantry, which was in a church, I did what good King Hezekiah did. I took those folded up papers straight up to the sanctuary, and laid them flat on the altar right under the Cross of Jesus. Then, I laid prostrate on the ground and cried and panicked a little.  I cried out to my GOD for help. After I did that, I put them on his car, secured by the windshield wiper, prayed it wouldn't rain, and put a verse on the back side of those un-opened papers to let my husband know just Who was fighting my battle.

      Whenever things get really bad, when my back's up against a wall, the only thing I can do is find someone in the Bible, study what they did, and do the same. The good King Jehoshaphat did the same thing. 2 Kings 19:14-37 & 2 Chronicles 20:1-30  We can't go wrong by finding  Biblical example and doing the same.  When he first left me six years prior to him filing for divorce,  I could have struck first and filed for divorce.  When  he began a relationship with another woman, I had every right to file, but I did not.  She eventually dumped him,  even after he divorced me two years later, and I was there to pick up the pieces.  He has since put a ring on another woman's finger and moved in with her.  This is a woman he describes as a good Christian woman, and they both attend church regularly and are even involved in some ministries.  This does not go over well with GOD, no matter what people tell themselves.  You cannot live in complete opposition to the Bible, attend church regularly and not expect it to cost you something dear. Again, if this relationship goes south, I've offered to pick up the pieces and be his back up plan so he doesn't end up homeless, hoping my grace toward him will lead him to sincere and serious repentance.  Usually, it's GOD's Grace which leads us to repentance, but there are occasions when our repentance will lead to Grace, however, it is usually GOD reaching out to us first with the offer of Grace.  

     In 1 Samuel, although David had every right to defend himself from a mad king hell-bent on killing him, David did not strike on those two opportunities that GOD delivered King Saul into his hands. I've had plenty of opportunity to do some serious damage to that man, and at times, I will admit, I was tempted. When he first left, I truly never believed it would come to divorce court, and I will admit, I panicked when this did happened, even after I prayed and read the Bible. I wept bitter tears, loud bitter tears for two days, so much so that my head was about to explode, and my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I had an army of social media friends praying, and what a difference that made in a couple of days. Like David in 1 Samuel 29, with their help, I was able to find strength in the LORD, and turn it all over to Him, again. I know that GOD will never leave us, even if at times if feels like He has. Eventually, GOD does come through for His servants, sometimes we have to wait it out in the fiery furnace of affliction, but GOD is never late. He is always on time, even if it's not what we consider on time. 

     I begged my husband to turn back to GOD to no avail. I begged and pleaded with him to withdraw the divorce papers, again, to no avail. When a man attacks his Godly wife in front of their children, he isn't just killing the one-flesh, but he's destroying his children in the process. The father's role in the family is so very vital and crucial, and when the head of the household goes bad, like a any creature with it's head cut off, the whole body dies.  I know that too many women have been victim to their husbands throwing them away like yesterday's newspapers, and have been dragged into divorce court, against their wills. They have been forced to fight back with their own human lawyer, causing financial devastation to the children and the home.  Although, he has kept his word and provided for the children all these years, I have been the only full-time parent, 24/7, at home taking care of their every need. Yes, he's forking over their financial needs, but children need way more from a father than money. GOD knows that, I know that, but sadly, my husband either doesn't know it, or doesn't care.

     I have not hid the truth from our children, nor have I tried to destroy their relationship with him, however, he has.   It's a husband's job to protect his wife, their mother, and when he goes after her through the civil courts, he's telling his children that he hates their mother. Also, when a man takes on a new woman, in the recesses of a child's mind, they see this as an attack on their mother, and it will affect their relationship with their father for the rest of their lives. There is no good outcome here unless he repents.  This never ends well for the father.  Children have an innate propensity to protect their mother, even if she has many faults. 

     I am hoping that this will be a life's lesson for all of us. Personally, unless you  have a really strong faith in YHVH GOD, I would not recommend going into divorce court without legal counsel.  You have to really be sure that you are in the right here, and if you are, then you can trust GOD to be your Counsel.  I guess, for me, it was a lesson in trust. I was terrified, but I did what the Biblical heroes did, and I stood on that ground.  I did not fight back, I did not try to do any damage, and I let GOD have His way, however it was going to go. It is a very scary thing, but, I did it. I had to give up all rights to everything, and understand that if it was GOD's will for me to lose everything, I was going to have to live with that, too. As it turned out, I got to keep my house, everything in the house, and the children too.  I won materially, but we all lost spiritually and emotionally. There is no getting over the damage a divorce does, ever.  Maybe that's why GOD says in Malachi 2:16, I hate divorce.  It's not over until GOD says it's over and I can only see two outcomes here.  Either he repents, or GOD ends his time here with him living in sin.  Obviously, I'm praying still for the former.  The key here is for me to keep my nose clean, because the children are watching both of us, and at least one of us has to leave a good track record if both cannot. 

    

JUST LIKE I USED TO BE!

     When I was rescued from the "sinful" world and born-again at the ripe old age of 26 years old, I gratefully spent the next 21 years as a devoted student of the Word, and a devout church member. I boycotted anything that was from the liberal left/gay movement. As a former sinner, saved out of the secular world, I had a point to make. I was going to birth an army for the LORD and show the world that I could satisfy and serve my husband, staying married for life. I couldn't get along with non-church members in the sinful world, just like I used to be.  Then GOD thought I had about enough of that. The night before I was to give birth to my eighth child, as a devoted wife and homeschooling mother, YHVH GOD felt that I needed to fall from my high and lofty place, and fall I did, as my happy world came crashing down.

     When my eldest became the first of my prodigals to walk away from the family as well as GOD as an adult, I got a well-deserved pie in the face. Eighteen months later, I was knee-deep back in the secular world, this time as a sinner saved by grace, who wanted nothing to do with GOD. I was angry at a Him and devastatingly hurt, because He let my eldest become an estranged prodigal who wanted nothing to do with us. As far as I thought, I did raised them right, much better than the upbringing I had. He completely let me down, and He let her do what she did. 

     So, what did I do? I became a prodigal, also. If my daughter was estranged from me, well, I was going to be estranged from GOD. Eighteen months later, when I had enough time on my prodigal road, the YHVH GOD came calling for me and He brought me back into the fold. He taught me something I never knew before; G-R-A-C-E. Now, full of grace & shouting it from the rooftops, I can't get along with church members who were just like I used to be.

      Several years later, now as a former wife, and mother to all prodigals, a single mother, my dream now is to become a vessel for all prodigals and sinners, the bruised reeds that Jesus would never have broken, because they knew already just how broken they already were. I want to help the contrite hearts, the ones Jesus loves; just like he loved me when I was a secular sinner, later when I was a self-righteous "Pharisee," a broken down mother of an estranged adult daughter, then as a sinner-saved-by-grace prodigal, as a cancer survivor, and now, the broken mother of a estranged adult children, and an abandoned wife who was served divorce papers, and dragged into divorce court against my will.  I look for people who are just like I used to be, because I get it. 

I look for bruised reeds because I am one.

 If Man Says It, Think The Opposite

     There is a Scripture that is one of my favorites in Isaiah.  I'm sure I've mentioned it a thousand times.  My ways are not your ways, My thoughts are not your thoughts. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways above yours."   Isaiah 55:8-9.  Maybe I didn't translate it word for word, but thought for thought.  In the era of Social media, everyone is a philosopher creating all kinds of quotes out there looking for their viral post.  I've had a few, like "Love and compassion are gifts from GOD but empathy is earned," or "Failure is the flour in humble pie and the stepping stones to success."  Well, I had an epiphany the other day while driving.  I had Air1 on the radio and I heard the lyrics in a song, "You won't have peace until you can let go of tomorrow."  It hit me as if a Mack truck had completely side swiped me while I wasn't looking.  It was like the Holy Spirit shined a truth in my eyes that I always knew, but never knew at the same time.

   I have feared tomorrow for the past ten years in the worst way.  I have feared that I'll never amount to anything in Christ, and yet, I have feared success even worse.  I have feared I'd lose my house, be cut off from the hand that feeds me, lose my children to the devil's minions, anything and everything, and yet, all this time, I never enjoyed today because of that fear of tomorrow.  All my life, even from childhood, I've always looked forward to the next thing or better days, because the present day's evil was constant. I've suffered emotional trauma since I was six-years old, when it began with my mother.  

   When I got out from under her, in college, then I looked forward to getting married and living happily ever after. Well, we all know that young and stupid isn't an expression, it's a fact.  I feel sorry for young people because they have no idea of the trauma headed their way, neither did I.  When I did finally marry, for a short time, things got better.  Then I started looking forward to being a mother, and while I was popping out babies, I always looked forward to the next one, until I knew number 8 was enough.   Then, I looked forward to grandchildren decades later.  When I received my "calling" as they say, I looked forward to being a successful writer, making a positive impact in people's lives, all the while being smacked down with cancer, divorce, and the birdies leaving the nest.  One thing I tell people is that if I had known how much it was going to hurt when the birdies left the next, I may not have laid so many eggs! But, I had a bright future to look forward to, or did I?  Divorce and doubt plagued me and has for ten years.

   It was when my husband divorced me, which I never saw coming, that was when I really began dreading the future. Every other year, empty nest syndrome got closer and closer, and now, it's almost close enough to touch. Life almost became unbearable because I feared being all alone in this big empty house. I needed a back up plan, and a walk along a North Carolina beach was the answer.  So, my back up plan is the sell my house when number 8 goes out on his own, buy a Winnebago and wake up on a different beach every morning. That seems like a future I can handle if I have to handle a future all alone.  

    You know when you have thought a certain way all of your life, it's nearly impossible to change that thought pattern, well, I've always counted on the future to be better than the present and the past.  I never realized just how good the past was until it was in the past.  After I heard that one line in that song, I looked up Scripture and how many times GOD says to remember the past, and how many times GOD said to worry about tomorrow, and it hit me, again. Man thinks the opposite of GOD.  Notice just how many times GOD wants us to remember the past and what He has done for us, and how many times He wants us to look forward to the future.  There is no comparison.  He tells us that He will deliver us in the future, but over two hundred times He tells us to remember the past.  

   Being a social media person that I am, I can't count how many times I've read posts that say to let go of yesterday, especially since my husband left me, during all these grieving years of watching him walk away from everything we planned and hoped for, as well as my children walking away from our home and GOD. It says to remember four times as many times as the word tomorrow in the Scriptures.  YHVH does not want us to forget the past, He wants us to always remember it and count on Him for deliverance for that which ails us, and grief is what ails me.  Fear of the future of tomorrow is what ails me.  Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow for today has enough worries of it's own.  I don't how many times I told my high school friend that, sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, meaning just what Jesus said. Today has enough problems of its own, don't worry about tomorrow. I would say this to her whenever she would get all worked up about something she thought someone would try to do to harm her. Yet, I'm guilty of worrying about next year's tomorrows. 

     I never worried about the next 24 hours. I'm terribly guilty about worrying about the tomorrows of years from now.  

    That is even crazier than worrying what will happen in forty-eight hours.  YHVH GOD has always come through for me in the past, and yet, I continue to picture the worse case scenario in my head of what the future may look like since the year my husband first threatened to divorce me after he moved out.  When each child left, and number 7 just moved out recently, I've dreaded the year 2027 like there is no tomorrow.  Pun not intended, well, maybe intended just a little.  I need to let go of tomorrow's tomorrow if I ever want to have any peace.  I hope if you fear tomorrow's tomorrow, you can find your peace in thinking the opposite of man, remember the past, and fear not tomorrow.