Trusting in GOD is IMPOSSIBLE For Us Outsiders
I consider myself an an outsider, again. I wasn't always an outsider. I began in the Roman Catholic Church since utero and remained for twenty-six years, believing they had the only truth because that was ingrained in us. Then, I became a Protestant evangelical when I was trained to believe they had the truth, and I was a fierce one. I quickly became an insider and spent twenty-six years as one of them. More and more searching for the truth has made me go full circle to become an outsider, again, only this time, I have the advantage of know how an insider thinks this time.
I grew up in a dysfunctional secular home. I had an absentee father, stone-cold siblings, and a very unstable bitter mother. We were raised Roman Catholic, but in the northeast to be raised Roman Catholic usually means to be raised with a drive-thru-church mentality. If you drive through the 40 minute mass once in a while, you're in. That's it. That is all that is required. You don't go to heaven right away, you have to spend an unknown amount of time in purgatory, but eventually, if enough people say a mass for you, at some point in eternity, you've earned your way into heaven. Most of us northeast Roman Catholics only have to go to mass and CCD until we are "confirmed." To be confirmed means getting your get-out-of-jail card at an earlier age than when you graduate high school. You have done your required time, and you are paroled. After that, you are free to do whatever you want for the rest of your life, live however you want, and because you are a card-carrying Roman Catholic, you are in, no matter what.
That wonderful age of freedom is usually around 13-14 years of age. We don't even really understand the whole confirmation process, we only know that it's like high school graduation, only sooner and you really don't have to try as hard as you do in school. There are no grades, no GPA, you graduate just for attending class. All you are required to do is put in the time in CCD (catechism) as we called it, and pretend to be halfway interested. There is no final exam, or GED test, but there is a diploma on the rolls of the Roman Catholic Church, and it's good for life. You go, you behave yourself and you're good to go. That is the mindset of the Roman Catholic youth in the northeast. The church and CCD teachers know it, and they don't care, because it gets another name on their rolls.
It's much like a Protestant baptism, especially during VBS season. It's a another point in good-standing for a church to have young children complete the ABC's of VBS. Admit you are a sinner, Believe Jesus died on the cross for your sins, and Confess it, particularly at the end of the week, get dunked and you're good to go, also. It doesn't matter if you are sincere, they'll convince themselves that you are sincere, they will put you on their rolls of accomplishments and they earn points in heaven for the most kids dunked.
Let me tell you something, you won't find Jesus calling any children to be his Disciples in the Gospels. He called all adults, and I'm going to assume, besides maybe John, all were over thirty. There is a reason for that, and it goes back to the Levitical law where a man had to be thirty before he became an official priest at the Temple or the Tabernacle. Why thirty? It is simple. A person wasn't even included in the census or considered an adult for the GOD's army until twenty, hence it is assumed one is a child all the way through age nineteen and becomes an adult for the census at twenty automatically.
Exodus 30:14 Everyone who is counted, from twenty years old and over, shall give the contribution to the Lord.
Numbers 1:3 from twenty years old and upward, whoever is able to go to war in Israel. You and Aaron shall count them by their armies. )
Remember, the life-span of a human was indeed a great deal shorter in length back then. A person was not considered truly mature or trustworthy enough to serve GOD as a priest, in the Temple or Tabernacle, until he was thirty.
How does this have to do with not being able to trust GOD? It's easy, conversion is not just spoken, nor is trust. Children are not considered accountable until they are adults. Trust must be experienced during those formative years. If you cannot earn the trust of a child, it will be impossible for that child to ever trust as an adult. If you mess up the foundation of a house, eventually the walls and roof will collapse. It is the same way with people. We who grew up in dysfunctional homes, with unreliable parents, will never be able to truly trust in our Heavenly Father even after being converted by the Holy Spirit.
Yes, when the Holy Spirit convicts, the old nature is gone and the new has come, but that's only for eternity purposes. It is not necessarily referring to a complete transformation from the inside out. Sure, we understand spiritual things like we never did before. Most of us believe that the Holy Scriptures are GOD-breathed, reliable and the truth, but our life experiences go to war against that truth. The ghosts of the past never leave, and the adversary knows just which buttons to push to send us back to that wounded, untrusting little child, no matter how old we get.
I had a friend who never understood how I had the audacity to "get mad at GOD." She found it incomprehensible that I would question His authority or reliability. How she couldn't figure out the obvious is beyond me. She grew up in a Baptist home, where church was a joyful, wonderful thing for a family to do together, completely opposite of my upbringing, where church was a misery that one had to endure, but could eventually graduate from into freedom. She grew up being taught about a wonderful Jesus who loved her dearly, more than even her own two married parents who not only loved their children but their spouse with a life-long love. We grew up with an angry parents who hated us enough to let that get in the way of any love they may have had for us. She grew up with stable parents who kept their word, loved them faithfully, and demonstrated the love of the Father to them every day of their lives. The father was always home at night, he was the authority figure, and he could be counted on to be their helper, assistant, advisor, and godly counsel for all of their lives, until he was rewarded for his faithfulness in heaven. I adored her parents, they were the perfect Godly couple. I used to be so jealous of her and family and her parents. We spent many Christmas's with them after we moved here, and when the invitations stopped coming, Christmas was just never the same. Everything about my life was the antithesis of this kind of life.
Unfortunately, all these years later, we aren't even friends, because I became too much of an outsider on the other end of the faith spectrum. I started taking this devotion to being an instrument of GOD too seriously. Finally, when I asked GOD why I was so unstable in my ability to trust Him, he brought back my past in vivid technicolor, then my present situation and told me straight out. "Your mind knows the truth, but your experiences speak of something completely opposite."
Somehow, I got to this ripe old age not being able to get to this bit of Godly wisdom, until yesterday. I have doubted GOD, I have shaken my fist at Him, I have talked myself into not believing the Words on those pages, and I have had more mistrust of GOD, as of late, even if I know the truth and have the full understanding of His Sovereignty. I have experienced the worst in betrayal by those I've loved with everything I have. Tell me, how am I supposed to trust an all-loving Sovereign GOD who has let my past happen to me? Sure, He's done many good things for me, and many of those good things have wrung true the words on those pages, but there are way too many cracks in my foundation for the walls and ceiling of my trust home to stand firm.
I used to beat myself up every time I would fall into despair, hopelessness, and sin because of my fear and lack of trust. Most of us do sin out of insecurity and fear. We refuse to believe the truth because our carnal nature and our past experience go to battle against the Words in that Book, even if we know them to be true. It is impossible to win a battle against all the bad experiences of our past. Our foundations are securely cracked, and there is no way to build a new foundation, unless the LORD strips down the walls and does it Himself. If He chooses to continue to let bad things, unfaithful people attack us, then the foundation cracks are never sealed, and the walls crack even more. That's where I am today. GOD revealed that to me yesterday, and I finally stopped beating myself up, yesterday. It's is a huge burden off my back. I am not being disobedient by not trusting an all Sovereign GOD Whom I know is in complete control. I am just operating and holding my walls up with a completely cracked and almost severed foundation.
