When the Goal Post is moved beyond where the eyes can see. 

From 1989-2014, I had my growing family to live for, my eight children and my (who I thought was my devoted) husband. It was my duty to look after them, take care of them, to grow in Christ for them.   

In 2008, the bottom fell out, and my family was shattered, losing our first born to the devil, and what was the beginning of a seven-year-heart-breaking total estrangement.  I had just given birth to my eighth child, and I tail-spinned into a horrible depression. I don't even remember 2009. Yet, I still had the rest of my children and my husband to look after, and a purpose and a reason to keep living, even though through that serious depression, I eventually became “estranged” from GOD in that process. 

Then, unexpectedly, in 2012, GOD showed up in a HUGE way, and drew me back into Himself in a miraculous way, bringing me closer to Him than I had ever been in my twenty-one-year walk with Him.  He gave me another assignment, a writing career. I was to write about the bottom falling out, to help others who had been shattered in similar ways.  I was to teach them how to cope and hope.  I lived in the Bible, and studied my heart out. I wrote a book in 2012, then a fictional series from 2013-2015.  I worked my heart out, and at the same time, tended to my family, again. I did that so faithfully, not even knowing if the bottom would ever re-appear. Little did I know, that doing that was the bottom re-appearing. Then in 2013, it fell out, again, and again in 2014.  Again, I kept writing, I had a purpose. That year both my husband and I were diagnosed with cancer.  We both went through cancer within six months from each other. It was a terminal cancer that killed our marriage. Again, I kept writing believing I had purpose. By the end of 2015, there seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, so I kept vigilantly writing, studying, and praying.

I had a new purpose, a new reason to keep going. It gave me new hope that maybe there was a "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" for me.  A new life, a better life where the bottom would stop falling out.  Around late 2017,  I started losing hope in that new purpose, but in early 2018, I discovered the Q plan. With all the Bible studying I had under my belt, having acquired some GREAT depth of Old Testament knowledge and historicity of GOD’s dealings with His people, mostly through typology, I found the Q-plan in the Bible in the story of the Exiles from Babylon.

NOW, I really had a purpose and a reason to keep studying, praying, and writing. It kept building to a climax of winning just around the corner for the next THREE years, new hopes, new victories, a few losses in between, and through impending divorce, and more shattering and splintering of my family, I kept going, because I truly believed that GOD was going to heal everything that was broken in my life, and a “soul harvest,” was next up in my life.

      NOW, I have no husband, my family is splintered and this has been the last twelve years of my life.  The promise of Joel 2:25 which I have been waiting decades for doesn't seem like it will ever arrive.  Death is my only way out, but it's not my decision to make.  I'm trapped by the Providential Hand of GOD, because this was His will for my life.  Sometimes, GOD's will sucks big time, and there ain't a DAMN thing we can do about it.  

Something good is supposed to come from all of this, and at one point, I believed it would.  Every day, I wake up the same way I went to sleep, discourage, despaired or living in hope deferred.  There is no way out, because the Sovereign Hand of GOD willed this, planned this, and it will only end when He says it will end.  I can't even run away, because He keeps dragging me back.  Free will is a fallacy for some of us.  I totally get Jeremiah, living in Job's world and if you want a better understanding of the life Jeremiah lived, here is one of my favorite Bible movies of all time!  Jeremiah     When he cried out to GOD from behind those bars, I bawled like a baby, because I totally get him.  I signed up to serve with my whole heart 32 years ago, and it's been a life in the fiery furnace of affliction.  I'm sure GOD has good reasons for it.  So, I know that all this bad stuff will help someone else when I'm gone, I'm just ready to be gone, now, so it will.  I'll be happy in heaven, and GOD will be helping someone down here with the tears I cried when I was down here.