If Two Sparrows are Worth One Penny, What is a Hawk Worth? 

Another recycled and revised blog post)

      I never knew how much GOD hated divorce until it happened to me.  I never saw it coming, either.  I was married for 28 years when my husband first brought up the word divorce, while I was going through cancer treatments.  Yeah, I just have to throw that one in there in every post, just to rub it in a bit more.   We had been having a terrible time in our marriage for a few years before he brought it up, but I figured GOD would come in with the fix.   Our life became so difficult with job loss, dual cancers, adult child estrangements, financial oblivion, that something had to give.  I didn't know it would be my marriage.    In this fiery furnace of affliction, as we were being scorched by the flames, we went in two different directions.  I looked Up to GOD for help, he looked away.  I drew closer to GOD, he drew further away.  He disgruntledly blamed GOD for this misery, and I knew GOD had a good purpose in it.  That was the beginning of the end.  We both survived cancer in the same year, but our marriage did not.  That was around the time when the Holy Spirit whispered in my spirit that GOD was taking my husband out of the home, because he failed as a spiritual leader, as a father and as a husband.  Of course, I did not believe Him, but a year and a half later, my husband moved out.   He officially moved out January 2016, and even then, I refused to believe a divorce would happen. It took him five more years before he did file, and serve me, unexpectedly.  He got a big windfall in the form of an inheritance, and he chose to spend it on a divorce lawyer.  I would not file, because we both made our vows to GOD ten times, two wedding ceremonies and eight baby dedications.  If there was going to be a divorce, it would be on him, not me.  In fact, I wouldn't even look at the divorce papers, as soon as they came I tucked them neatly under his windshield wipers with a not-so-nice note.  I refused to get a lawyer, he said I didn't need one, yeah, right, but I knew my Lawyer was the One who wrote the Law. I ended up getting everything, he got to keep his little windfall.  Big deal.  

     We get along, for the most part, because as a full-time mother to our bottom two children, I won't bite the hand that feeds me.  One year on my birthday,  I lowered myself to ask him to take me to dinner, because for the last nine years, no one has taken me out for my birthday.  He said he'd give me an answer on my birthday, hoping that I would not ask again. His passive aggressiveness in an art form after all these years of avoiding things he is uncomfortable dealing with. When I disappointed him and asked again on that day when he came over to drop off one of the children, he told me that he was uncomfortable doing that.  In other words, he did not want to be seen with me in a restaurant, because he was almost boasting about having an "ex-wife." He joined the world in an acceptable almost favorable practice that is unacceptable to GOD.  Needless to say, I did not handle it well, and  I cussed him out, kicked him out of my house, yelling at him that it isn't always about him, sometimes it is about someone else.  He has no clue how to make someone happy, nor does he ever want to, because he is incapable of feeling what anyone feels. Only his feelings matter. 

   While cursing him, wishing him dead, I took my usual temper tantrum, shaking my fist at GOD, yelling at Him, and swearing that was the last straw, I swore there was nothing GOD could do to ever get me back as a totally devoted servant writer for Him.  My usual practice was blaming GOD for things other people did to me. I  was never going to open my Bible, write another encouraging Tweet or Facebook post, and least of all, another blog post.  I even deleted everything.  Thank GOD for the recycle bin, eh?  I don't know when it happened, but shortly thereafter, unbeknownst to me, GOD dropped a dead hawk in my front yard.  I live in the city.  I've never seen a hawk up close, let alone a dead one.  You would think you would find one out in the country, but not a mile from downtown.  There it was, dead as a doorknob with no explanation.   I knew that this had to be something from GOD. How often does a hawk fall from the sky and die on one's front lawn on their birthday, right after their "former" husband just failed another test from GOD?   Needless to say, I had to open up my Bible to find where a hawk is mentioned in the Bible, and there it was.  It's an abominable bird, an unclean bird that we are to never touch.  Wow!  Now that was pretty powerful.  What my former husband did is an abomination to GOD, making him a spiritually  unclean man, because he bailed on his vows to GOD, without cause. Jesus told us marital infidelity is the only legitimate cause for divorce, and well, he could not put adultery on his divorce papers. He had to go with a no-fault civil divorce.  No-fault, the irony of those words.  It is a way to go against GOD with man's civil laws, thereby convincing himself that is okay and acceptable.   He has no fear of what that means in terms of GOD's punishment.  There is a sin unto death that one can commit when their heart grows so cold against the LORD, that He has no more use for them down here, and they are doing more damage than good.  No one knows when that will happen, except GOD.

     I'm not going to deny it,  I expected widowhood to come then, and then again  in 2017, 2018, 2019, and I finally considered myself to have been wrong about that notion in 2020.  Our days are numbered, GOD has the number planned out before we are ever born. Scripture is clear that every day was written in His book before one of them began.   (Psalm 139:16)  January 30, 2022 was the day for that poor hawk.  That was the day GOD said to him, "Sorry, unclean animal, but your time is done."   Is there a correlation?  I have no idea, but it's a scary thought for me and my children. The adult children have followed in their earthly father's footsteps and have turned their backs on GOD, also, somne even on me. After all, nothing says, "I hate your mother so much, that I don't even want to be related to her after 37 years." If they don't see him being punished for turning his back on GOD, then they can get away with it also, or can they? This is something we humans cannot understand, because GOD promises to protect and defend us.  I'm convinced even if he was "disciplined" by GOD, neither he nor my adult offspring would see it as such. The human rebellious spirit has indemnible ways of writing off bad things that happen, without attributing it to it being the consequences of sin.   Because my former husband and I had a Covenant Marriage ceremony in 1990, in GOD'S eyes we are still married regardless of what a civil judge says. After all, man answers to God's Laws, not God answering to man's laws. 

   Right now, I consider myself a "married widow," a woman trapped in a dead marriage, based on what Romans 7 says. GOD will never go against His own Character or Word. There won't be another husband for me, because to GOD, I am still married.  It's a dreadfully lonely life, and one I am having a hard time dealing with, and my relationship with GOD is suffering for it. GOD understands when we wrestle with Him, because my life is not proof of GOD living by His own Word.  He promises justice and vindication for His devoted servants, and I've had neither.  He says that it's not good for man to be alone, (and even worse for the weaker sex), yet, He has chosen this life for me.  I'm not feminist, believing myself better or more capable than a man. I would love another husband to guide, lead, and tell me when to shut up! I know that I operate based on my emotional state, that is how many of us are built, as nurturers. What I do know is that if it takes GOD dropping a dead hawk on my lawn on my birthday right after being dissed by my husband, again, to let me know that He is watching and He is taking care of my situation on His time in His Way, but He is going to comfort me and let me know that He is here, every lonely mintute of the day, then, well, I have no right to complain. So, instead of asking for vindication and a new husband, I've settle with asking GOD to help me stop complaining and be content with His ordained will, and until that is accomplished, I'm sure that neither vindication nor a new husband is in the immediate horizon of my life.