THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SANE AND THE  DELUSIONAL

        I have always had this saying that goes like this:  "The difference between the hopefully sane and the delusional is that the delusional insists that they are sane, and the hopefully sane is convinced they are delusional."  Let me describe what hopefully sane is to clear up any confusion.  The hopefully (Biblically) sane is someone who believes every word of the Whole Counsel of GOD, including every story, every miracle, every act of GOD that He performed for His beloved who appeared to be insane by others and today's standards.  The Biblically and hopefully sane believe that if YHVH GOD could divide the Red sea for nearly three million people, wiping out the strongest and most feared army, well, then He could do the exact some for us who are diligently seeking Him, waiting, counting on Him to fulfill His purpose for bringing us into this world.  

     Let's take Joseph, David, Abraham, Hagar, Sarah, Jacob, Rebekah, Samuel, Joshua, Gideon, Moses..., and the like.  All of these were directly told by GOD that He would perform the impossible for them.  He was going to take the nobodies of the world and make them the beloved heroes we now know and glean hope from two-four thousands years later.  Having studied everything there is about each one, I can assure you, not one of them did have many doubts that what they heard from GOD was an error on their part, or downright impossible.  Imagine being 100 years-old, married to an 90-year-old woman and being told by an invisible God that was completely foreign to you that your physical descendants were going to be as numerous as the stars, impossible to count, and yet there still were no children between your wife and you after more than seventy-five years of marriage. One would have to be thought of as completely delusional to believe that promise from an unknown invisible God. 

    Likewise, imagine being a seventeen-year-old who had a dream that the brothers who hated him, along with his father would someday bow down before him, in fear, nonetheless.  Yet, after that dream, he was thrown in a cistern, sold off as a slave, then imprisoned for a crime he did not commit. No less than a decade has past since being given such a seemingly impossible prophetic dream. And  yet still believing in an unfulfilled prophetic dream, as a prisoner, day after devastating day, rotting away in a dungeon in Egypt, would be impossible for anyone to believe, let alone not doubt. One would have to be absolutely delusional to believe that dream he once had as a young teen was real or even possible, let alone probable.  Or can one imagine being the weakest member of the weakest family of the weakest clan of the weakest tribe of an oppressed nation being told that he would defeat 135,000 of the best-trained and equipped army of your oppressor. 

      The Bible never says that Joseph doubted, but that doesn't mean that he didn't. It would be unrealistic to believe that he never did think that he was a bit delusional.  The Bible speaks of Gideon's constant testing of GOD, known as "fleecing,"  to have GOD prove Himself with miracles impossible in the natural.  It even tells of David, hiding out with the hated, dreaded enemy of Israel, killing innocent men, women, and children for profit for himself, leaving no one alive who could rat him out to this Philistine king. He did this because he had lost all hope for the prophecy and anointing from the last of the greatest of judges and priests, Samuel.  How low can one man sink and still be called "A man after GOD's own heart."  He killed innocent men, women, and children (1 Samuel 27:11), which is no different than when King Saul had murdered an entire priestly clan, including men, women, and children, for the "crime" of aiding and abetting his arch-enemy, young David, whom YHVH GOD had declared as the next in line for the throne King Saul occupied.  The Bible says that King Saul wiped out the entire city of Nob, including innocent men, women, children, and infants, and even all their livestock.  (1 Samuel 22:18-19) King Saul was condemned, and David was rewarded with the crown, and called a man after GOD's own heart.  Both murdered innocent families, one out of rage, the other for profit.  The Bible is filled with stories such as these that most people take for granted, not truly delving into the horrific details of the men of GOD.  

      All of these men at some point had to doubt what they heard from GOD, assuming themselves to be delusional.  That is where I am today  and have been for several years, now.  I've been at this crossroads for several years, believing that I must be delusional to believe that I had heard from the Almighty, that He had a work for me to do, and that it is a mighty big work.  To my offspring, I am delusional. To my husband, who left me because of my devotion to YHVH GOD, I am delusional.  I wouldn't even dream of mentioning this to my unbelieving siblings.  I am delusional to strangers. I have even been called, with a colorful adjective, "F'n crazy" by one I loved with all my heart, believing he was a man like David, a man after God's own heart.  I think that was the nail in the the coffin, burying my confidence in who I am. 

     Some of them do not know that I question my sanity on a daily basis, convinced I heard the wrong thing, or made it all up in my head.  Many days I choose to live in utter despair, forbidding myself to hope, rather to continue to be seen as delusional by those whom I loved with every fiber of my being.  Yet, on a daily basis, GOD does these crazy Divine Coincidences that could only have been set up by Him.  When you really wrap your brain around a coincidence, if you believe in a completely Sovereign GOD over all things, then for a certain number to pop up, a certain song to come on the radio or our random playlist or even a certain text to come at the strangest time, one would have to believe that GOD set that up just to keep us believing that He is going to do what everyone else says he is not going to do.  I've had tens of thousands of these Divine Circumstances to happen to me, some small, some absolutely impossible to fathom.  

         I know all of this sounds so  frivolous to most, but to a yet-still nobody, mother of eight with a dream the size of Joseph's, it is that miracle  from Above that continues to speak to me to this day, assuring me that I am not delusional, that these things really did happen, and there is absolutely no way to explain them away, because the the proximity in time that they happened.  I never once ever dreamed of writing an epic fictional story, as I have always hated fiction.  It is the Hand of GOD Who is keeping them hidden still, as well as this one-time fictional author.  

   This despaired author, eight to nine years later, is suffering from the absolute worst case of hope deferred, (Proverbs 13:12), having suffered many more demoralizing events over the years since I started and stopped writing this epic. I  still sit here fearing that I am delusional. Some days, I choose to live in hopelessness, rather than continue with an unbelievable miraculous work of GOD, because of the stigma it has brought to my reputation among my loved ones, plus being the wedge that drove them away.   Every day and night I soak my pillow with tears that appear to go unnoticed, even if the Bible says He keeps record of them on His scroll. 

 (Psalm 56:8 You have taken account of my miseries; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?)

         Sometimes, I think hope is crueler than despair.  At least with despair, devastating  disappointment doesn't gnaw away at you day after day, lonely tear-soaked night after night.  So, the question I ask today is do I continue in my "delusional faith" in the GOD who performed such miracles in the pages of a book, or the sane reality of these most horrible and difficult days being  like this for the of my life?  

The answer is unequivocally YES!