Stuck in the darkest of hallways and how mindless documentaries and binge-watching old shows taught me to sit it out.

When you’ve lived in a pitch-black hallway for thirteen years, sometimes you find yourself on the floor sucking whatever light you can get coming from doorways in front of you or air from the vents to just keep going. You know the walls are there to guide you and keep you on the straight and narrow, so you reach your hand up to feel them. The floor is there to keep you from free falling into an abyss, and the ceiling is there to protect you from the harsh environment outside, but it’s still just too darn dark there for you to know whether to move or sit still. You know there are doors ahead with lights underneath, but you don’t know which will open or when. I was binge-watching a show from the 90’s, because sometimes the light from the Word of GOD is too bright for our eyes, and the darkness of the world is easier on the eyes and the heart in the waiting. I was watching as this doctor was describing a scenario of a man stuck in a room with two doors: One said “Do Not Enter” the other said “Do Not Exit,” so he just sat there holding his hat. Boy, can I relate to that. I’m in transition by the Hand of GOD, but I’m not sure what He is transitioning me into, so I just sit here in the dark hall with my laptop on and my keyboard in my hand.

I've been camped here, against my will, for a very long time. After over a decade of this dark hallway, I did lose all hope of getting out until this year. Now, I can see the light at the end, I just don’t know when the end of it comes. In this dark hallway there are three doors to my left, slightly behind me, and three doors to my right, slightly before me. The doors have titles on them. On the left behind me are the doors that say, OCTOMOM, WIFE, and CHURCH. The doorway that says OCTOMOM is closing very slowly, and it’s the heaviest door. It will be permanently shut in two years, something I dread more than death itself. The doorway entitled WIFE was slammed closed on me by two men on the other side, one holding a gavel and the other holding a signed piece of paper that said Divorce Decree, one not signed by me or GOD, by the way. The CHURCH door closed some seven years ago. Some say the CHURCH doors never close. That is until you learn the truth about the history of it, and you know you just can’t stay anymore. Sometimes, GOD will drag you out of that room.

The doors on my right also have titles, WIFE, AUTHOR, and PARADISE. I’m not sure if the first two doors are going to open, but I know eventually the third one will. They all have light beaming through from under the door, a really bright light, enough to light up the hallway for me to see ever so slightly in this darkened hallway that GOD dropped me in some time ago. Because I serve GOD and my calling so faithfully, He is obligated to get me out of this dark hallway. I started to fear that the furthest door away, the one that said PARADISE, was the only door that was going to open, and it was years away.

During one of my nights wasting time watching documentaries, because the Light of the Word was too bright, I was drawn to a story about a man who left a religion commonly known as a cult in some circles. He laid testimony to searching diligently for GOD while serving in this false religious temple, trying to work his way up to celestial exaltation. He kept waiting to hear the voice of GOD in this false religion and never heard it. After GOD freed him, he realized that every wrong doorway he entered, the whole time, GOD was still there with him silently as he sought, labored, and traversed adversity, even in the solitude and darkness. When GOD’s perfect time came, GOD led him through the correct door straight to the feet of Jesus, and it was then that He realized he was doing it wrong all that time. Yet, in every mistake, GOD was still with him the whole time even though he never truly felt GOD’s presence. Sometimes, in our darkest times we can’t feel the cool soothing oxygen GOD is supplying us or His presence in the darkness, but He is definitely the breath in our lungs and the light that keeps us going.

GOD is in this dark hallway with me, especially on some of my worst days, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, pun not intended, well, maybe intended a little, He hasn't left for even a nano-second. Maybe I can't see which door will open, but whichever door He opens, I'll be happy with it. I'm not sure if I still believe in fairy tale-endings, but whatever He chooses I know will be best for me, but more importantly, what’s best for the Kingdom of GOD and those I’m called to serve. That’s bliss for me, even if it’s not the human definition of deliriously happy. GOD sees the end of our hallways, and He knows which door to open for us, and sometimes, we just need to sit still in the darkness, on the floor, enjoying what little light comes from underneath the doors ahead, and be quiet enough to hear His whispers.