Cancer,  Death , 
and Good Humble Pie 

~Among Others~

   Eight years ago, I remember GOD calling me to begin a writing career. Of course, I thought that was the most ludicrous notion that I had ever heard. After all, I don't think I received higher than a D in any of my college writing classes. So, I said to GOD, "But GOD, I'm not a writer, I'm not a novelist, I haven't a clue how to do that." I distinctly heard in my spirit, before those frightful words of rebuttal left my lips,

   "Kristina, you are who I make you to be." Oh, yeah, that did it. I had no argument with that.

     You see, we can argue with GOD all we want, but we will never win. Here's the beauty, He doesn't mind how much we do it, until we learn that we aren't going win, and we can trust Him with that which we know we can’t handle. Eventually, we realize that He has been trying to teach our slow brains that we can’t handle it, but He can. 

    Another day, I remember being on one of my five-mile autumn walks, and  I saw in my head in the future, a very successful author who had my face. The terror that ran over me on my walk nearly face planted me right there and oddly enough, right in front of the local library. GOD has a funny sense of humor. That fear gripped my heart because I know just how much of a screw-up I have been and still am. Again, I had a rebuttal for GOD, and before the words,  

    "Oh, no, GOD, what will I do if I am successful. I'm sure to ruin it. That kind of success like that ruins everyone. What if I get too full of myself? What is to stop me from making it all about me?

    Again, the answer was swift and only took two nouns and a conjunction, "Cancer and death." 

   “Oh, yeah, that'll do it." The Bible is clear, storms come from GOD’s permissive and sometimes planned will. The crook in your lot that totally messed you up came from GOD. He may have used other people to put the bend in the road that caused you to crash and burn. He did it because you were probably going the wrong way at warp speed and didn't see the train wreck coming right at you.

   Two years later, I was knee deep in radiation hell, having all pride I had built up in my first book, finished, with “rave” reviews. (I sometimes wonder if there was more wrong with those who reviewed my book than me in the intelligence department.) burned out of me.  So, one book down, another started and an amazing one at that. God gave me a story that was sure to be an epic. Right after I finished the rough draft, I spent the next six months in radiation hell getting the snot burned out of me, literally. 

   Sadly, though, GOD had more sense-of-self I needed to be rid of, because having bounced back beating cancer and surviving radiation hell, I still had a garden needing to be weeded after a longest winter of my life. So, he ruffled up the garden paradise of my home and family life. With a stroke, dual cancers, a few days past the pain of radiation hell, I was basking in victory. With no real warning, none that I paid attention to, because I never thought divorce could happen to me, my husband informed me during the last few weeks of my cancer treatments that he was filing for divorce when my treatments were over after twenty-nine years of marriage. 

    A year after that, another major heart crushing rejection came along to seriously send me under the bed hiding behind my cat afraid to even come out of my room, lest something worse happen. Rejection is one of GOD's greatest tools, not only to protect us from those who are not good for us, but to protect us from ourselves and that ugly human disease called, P-R-I-D-E. It is so sneaky. Even in all that, it still snuck up on me. You'd think I would have had my fill of humble pie with my family shattered, dual cancers, divorce pending, and a crushed and broken heart should have humbled me, but nope. He had one more lesson. Vindication!

   You see, the Bible promises us that He will vindicate us from those who do us harm, even if sometimes He was the one who sent them to do just that. Boy, I surely needed some vindication, or rather thought that I deserved vindication. Do you see it? Pride entered even through my brokenness. I was so broken by those who GOD sent in my life to hurt me, on purpose, to keep me humble, but now as the "victim," I felt I deserved some Heaven sent vindication, and some serious justice to feel satisfied. There is a difference between seeking justice for a person’s well-being, and seeking vindication for our bruised egos. When we plead for justice, it must be with an attitude of needing deliverance from something that is oppressing us, with the Father-forgive-them-for-they-know-not-what-they-do attitude and heart behind it. When we seek the self-satisfying kind of justice and vindication, that is usually nothing but pure anger and bitterness coated in pride.

    Now, I am cancer survivor who is well aware that just like the winter, cancer always comes back, especially the rare kind I was gifted with, even if it takes decades. Yes, cancer was a gift, and anyone who drew closer to GOD during theirs understands that. It is, however, a permanent, unwelcomed guest that never really leaves, but lies dormant in my cells, ready to leap at a moment’s notice, and all just to keep forcing that humble pie down my throat. 

     

  So, here I am eight years later, working on my eighth book, (eight meaning new beginning in Hebrew numerology) Google-able, yet, still a nobody. As a mother of eight in a small town, my house isn't all glass, but still too much of it is. I can't walk down main street without one of my children's friends letting them know that they saw me tripping over my own two left feet on that sidewalk, again. Failure in obscurity is fine with me. After eleven years in the fiery furnace of affliction, with the heat turned up to broil, I've learned that failure is the flour in humble pie, and it is way easier to deal with, and much more preferred than success. I know how to do failure very well, but I've never done success. Believe me when I say this, I'm scared to death of it! PUN intended. I'd almost rather fail my entire life, and let my work succeed after I am gone. That way GOD gets all the credit, all the glory and I'm just a stone in the ground. After all, Allen means stone!

God does not fix what's wrong with 

His people, He starts all over again.

        Jesus did not have a mortgage, and he did not incorporate. He did not have office hours, nor did he assign his Apostles as CEO's, telling them to register with the emperor, and be ready to have all their financial records ready to be audited annually. Jesus never asked for money, he healed for FREE. He never pressured his followers to give toward the mortgage fund or a building project so he could expand his ministry. He did not hire a marketing firm to teach his disciples how to be good stewards. He did not initiate a fund raising campaign to increase the size of the campus, so the corporation could expand, and create more programs, branches, and differing kinds of ministries. Jesus did not rely on programs. Jesus did not seek converts, he taught disciples. He certainly did not have super-conferences with guest speakers and a ticket price upwards of near 100 talents.  He even kept the mysteries of the Kingdom of Heaven a secret from those he knew were in it for only how it filled their bellies.  In Matthew and Luke he said, 

     "To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been granted. For whoever has, to him more will shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has shall be taken away from him. Therefore, I speak to them in parables; because while seeing they do not see, and while hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand."

       He then went on to quote the prophet Isaiah, because Jesus knew intimately what was written in the Old Testament. He not only knew it, he understood it because he inspired it. I once heard an associate pastor at the church I attended say, "The Old Testament is so hard to understand, it's a difficult read and so harsh. Besides, that’s the Law, we are under grace now, so none of it really applies." When I picked my jaw back up off the floor, I gathered my flock, went home and never went back, to any church. His answer was not out of the ordinary, it's what I hear all the time. He is a New Testament Christian, or what I call a carport as opposed to a garage with a brick siding, a foundation and a solid roof, one that does not blow off with a strong wind.

       I’m not any kind of expert in the Old Testament, but I’ve studied it for eight years now, inside, outside and upside down. (A little Dr. Seuss humor there) You know what my friend, in my humble opinion, I actually find MORE grace and mercy in the Old Testament than the New. The Law and the animal sacrifices did NOT save the Israelite's, nor did it cleanse them of sin, it was the grace behind the obedience of the practice of the Law. The sacrifice was supposed to be a reminder of the curse and damage that sin does, and how much GOD hates sin. It was a reminder of Whom they served and Who saved them, as opposed to other pagan religions.

       New Testament Christians say, "We are the church, the bride of Christ, GOD will never abandon us" just like the Jews said, "This is the temple of the LORD, this is the Temple of the LORD, and they thought GOD would never leave it. SURPISE, He did.

       If someone tells you that he/she is a New Testament Christian, well, then you know that you are talking only to a carport with no walls, no foundation, and an aluminum roof that can easily be blown away.  Do not bother to argue with them, because they have their minds made up, and everyone else is wrong. Their pastor told them to be that way, to stand their ground under their carports. We can try to educate them, but most have unteachable hearts from anyone but their CEO/pastor. They are loyal to their corporations, that's for sure. After all, they have invested much of their funds into this capital venture.

     

      The more we understand the history of GOD's people, the more we can see GOD repeating Himself, over and over, again. The book of Ecclesiastes, lately, has become one of my favorites, because basically it says, “Don’t expect GOD to do anything He has never done before, because there is nothing new under the sun that GOD hasn’t already done.” Yes, you will have to get your Bible out and find that passage, also. The purpose in doing that may just help you find some wisdom GOD wants you to have before and after those verses. GOD's people throughout all generations kept becoming too corrupt to reform or repair.  Over and over again GOD pulled out a remnant and started all over again. 

     As the metaphor Mama that I am, if you need a picture, I have a good one for you. The church today is like flour. There is all-purpose, there is self-rising, and then there is this “whole-wheat,” that’s really not whole or in it’s original form. No, my friends, the Remnant is the whole grain, straight from the ground, exactly how GOD made it, in it’s original form. It’s not bleached, it’s not ground into fine powder that just becomes dust, rather in it's natural state, it has all the nutrients needed to feed the flock. 

      Where does wheat grow? Does it grow in a building, on a huge cement campus, in programs, does money grow it? It grows where the gospel was meant to go, in the fields, outside where the Wind can take it where the Wind intends for it to go. The pure Gospel is the protein in the whole grain, it’s the muscle that makes the Remnant strong. It’s not supposed to be holed up in four walls and a ceiling, keeping it contained. Jesus said "Go and make disciples," not "gather and convert people." Beloveds,  GOD made sure that the Temple was completely destroyed in AD 70, because the Temple was now the Holy Spirit living in us, and the Temple is meant to have arms, legs, and wheels, and it is supposed to be moving at all times.

    Satan entered the church in the very first century to begin the corruption.  Paul and Peter and Jude all mention false teachers and prophets. The doctrine of Balaam is alive and well and has been since the days in the wilderness.  Corrupt within, because an outside attack is not effective enough.  Christianity today is an offshoot of the corrupt religion invented by  Constantine.  He created his own brand of Christianity, one with the political advantage he needed.  He was just another false convert, using thw work of Yeshua for self-advancement.   He wiped clean any signs or practices of Judaism that GOD Himself ordered and commanded and outlawed all the appointed feasts and the seventh day Sabbath.  Imagine an emperor so bold as to take what GOD instituted and outlaw it in the name of Christ.  Constantine incorporated pagan practices, slapping a Christian name on them, and the corrupt papacy only added to this man-made deliniation of the Word of GOD. 

    I'm sorry to say, but evangelism has been the downfall of the church.  Satan always takes a little bit of truth and slides in his brand of lies to convince man that he is doing the right thing  Today, the church's recipe for salvation is NOT Biblically sound.  Just saying a prayer saves no one.  The only one who can initiate salvation is GOD Himself.  He decides who becomes His true children.  

John 1:

13 who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.

John 6:

“Do not murmur among yourselves. 44 No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day. 45 It is written in the prophets, ‘And they shall all be taught by God.’ Therefore everyone who has heard and learned from the Father comes to Me.

63 It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life. 64 But there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were who did not believe, and who would betray Him. 65 And He said, “Therefore I have said to you that no one can come to Me unless it has been granted to him by My Father.”

 

Matthew 16:

16 Simon Peter answered and said, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

17 Jesus answered and said to him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven.

Romans 9:

11(for the children not yet being born, nor having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works but of Him who calls),

14 What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? Certainly not! 15 For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion.” 16 So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to the Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth.” 18 Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens.

       My friends, we do not ask Jesus into our hearts.  In order for it to be a true conversion, the Holy Spirit enters our hearts before we know what's happening to us. Grace enters us in the form of conviction of our sinful state long before we invite Yeshua into our hearts. 

 

Curiosity doesn't kill cats.  

     Contrary to popular believe, curiosity doesn't actually kill cats, as a matter of fact, it saves souls, breeds life, and give hope to the despaired. It educates, seeks out truth, opens the mind, eyes and expands the horizon for the curious fellow who needs to know. For the research junkie like myself, it's my bread and butter. Curiosity cures what ails us the most, ignorance and apathy, the two worst plagues that divide humans and breads discontent.     As we have experienced these past two years, it is so much easier to believe a lie we are told over and over again, because it takes too much time and effort to search for the answers ourselves. As faulty humans with faulty reasoning, we just choose to believe what we've heard a thousand times from who we think are reliable sources. It makes sense to us, because they are experts at sounding like experts, when in all actuality, they are just propagandists.

     Many times, we are looking for someone to validate our point of view, so we will seek out only those who agree with us. We don't want to take another persona's view in mind and consider it, because that might require effort, humanity and worst of all, humility. GOD knows how much we hate to admit that we might have been wrong. There is no one who hates doing that more than yours truly. I've been stuffed with more humble pie than your average middle-ager, because I'm particularly stubborn, a trait my late mother gave me, thanks a lot mom!   It goes against everything human to swallow a dish full of humble pie, let alone an entire bakery's worth. I do not presume to be right all the time. I'm sure that I am wrong a lot. Because I've been wrong a lot and stubborn, I expect my readers to fact check and double fact check my blogs in regards to the Bible. I will include Bible passages in these blog, however, I expect you to go find them yourself. I'll give you the estimate GPS, but you will have to actually drive to that location with your fingertips. You will have to read the passages before and after to make sure that I've used the Scripture in context. In that way, you will learn the context.

   That is how I learned the Bible so well. I always wanted to prove someone wrong, so I would check out every passage I read in a blog or a book. I checked out the passages before and after, and then I checked out the historical context. That's a research junkie's curse, we can't help ourselves. We cannot learn the Bible by being lazy just taking someone's word for it, or let them spoon-feed us passages.  By not understanding the full context and historical context of the Bible, one may end up following any whack-job that calls themselves a prophet. Believe me, there are millions out there who do. One thing I have learned is that if a person is a self-proclaimed prophet, then that indeed is all they are, self-proclaiming and not GOD ordaining.

    GOD has put it on my heart to write this book, and I have stubbornly refused. Because of that stubborn streak in me, He keeps sending "spankings" from Above. If GOD spanks you, consider it a compliment from GOD. He doesn't spank those who He knows will not be humble enough to learn, or who will refuse to say those words we fight like anything to avoid, "I was wrong, now I apologize, will you forgive me?"  I hope that my blog blesses you. It is my second attempt. I had a blog for three years which got a lot of exposure and over 130K readers, and in one of my usual toddler-temper tantrums with GOD, because I couldn't get what I wanted my own way in my own time, I deleted it. So, here I am, again, starting all over, again. I plan to use much of what I wrote before, because I got the same response from people, over and over.  Please feel free to comment, good or bad. We never know how we are doing until someone either rebukes us or commends us.