The Men Who Rejected Me

     Sometimes GOD puts people in our lives to teach us more about Him, even if those people sometimes bring out the worst in us or cause us the worst pain in our lives. We cannot understand His ways, because His ways are usually the opposite of how we think and act.  His ways, at times, make no sense to us. His ways are so bewildering because He uses extremely opposite techniques to get us to understand His love for us.  He will cause us the worst pain to show us just how much He loves us. These past several years have been simply dreadful, however, the lessons I've learned have been invaluable. I didn't understand the purpose in the gut-wrenching rejection of two men I had loved with all my heart, until GOD showed me the most intimate portrait of His love for us. The first man was the one I joined in marriage, he walked out on me after thirty years of my faithfulness and love for him. He told me during my cancer treatments that he was going to file for divorce when the treatments were over, but that he would stay and help out around the house until then. Yeah, I know, nice guy huh? We had eight children together, and it wasn't until after GOD took him away did I realize that his love for me or GOD was never really true. It was a self-serving love, one that was only good for what I could do for him, and it faded over the years. He gave up on me, our marriage, on our eight children, and worst of all, he gave up on GOD. He lost all hope for the future. He never truly had any vision of doing anything in the Kingdom for GOD. I was too blinded by love to see this.  The Bible says, for lack of vision, my people perish, and he had no vision. 

    The second man GOD brought to me was when I wasn't looking for love, and I had no idea that this even greater love would be the greatest source of pain in my life, even more so than the twenty years of pain that first man inflicted upon me.  Both of these men aimed to destroy me, both of these men took advantage of my love for them, however, there was something much more beautiful in the second man's heart, one I've never encountered before. The other man had a love for GOD but it was hidden underneath a whole lot of pain caused to him by other women.  I fell deeply in love with his soul and his heart, before I even laid eyes on him.  I loved him beyond my own ability to stop it. It was a pure kind of love that GOD put in my heart, one I could not make go away. I did not understand it, because the second man treated me worse than the first. He knew how deeply I loved him, and how faithful I was to him, regardless of his opinion of me. It was obvious by his words and actions that it was his intention to hurt me. Yet, for these past eight heart-wrenching years, I still loved the man inside, because I saw something different inside him.  Countless times, I pleaded with GOD to take away this love in my heart for him. GOD has denied me that deliverance or freedom.  

     It was through both their rejection of me that GOD has shown me that this is how we treat Him. We are indifferent to His love and providential Hand in our lives. Yet, with all we do to ignore and try to block Him out of our lives, He loves us with an abiding and endless love, and He continues to reach out to us, even if we do all we can to deny Him, block Him, or even run as far away from Him as we can.  It was quite a few Christmas's ago that this lesson really hit home for me.  I sought out the second man because I had a few extra dollars, and I knew he was struggling to buy gifts for his children. So, one day, I unexpectedly showed up on his doorstep with envelope in hand and gave him three fifty-dollar bills for this three children.  He surely was not expecting this from me as he had blocked me from all communication, trying to rid himself of me and any memory of me from his life. I myself could not understand why I even wanted to do this, because he had been so indifferent to me, and I knew that I had only been a "flavor of the month" to him, but I felt compelled to do this crazy thing.  This was not a normal love, nor was it an obsessive kind of love, but one that I did not understand. It was an unselfish kind of love, because the last thing I wanted in my life was another man who didn't love me, appreciate me, or value me.  Twenty years of that was enough. I knew I had to do it, though, even though, he didn't deserve it, and the little spit-fire that I am, I would have NEVER been so generous with someone like him before this Agape love invaded my heart. 

      I knew it was of GOD. It was a gift of grace, the same kind given to me, one that I didn't deserve,  thirty-five years ago, when GOD reached down from heaven and touched my rebellious heart. This man gladly accepted the gift, closed the door in my face, with not even as much as a thank you.  I think he was even a little put off by the gesture, especially having shown up out of the blue like that.  He had never expected to see my face again, or hear from me.  Even after that, years later, he still remained aloof to me, and likely doesn't even remember the incident.  I'm sure he's tried to put it out of his mind even.  Aren't we the same way with GOD?  Don't we carelessly and sometimes purposefully try to forget all the underserving gifts GOD has given us over the years? GOD wants to show us His grace by giving us gifts we don't deserve or expect, yet, we find new creative ways to block GOD's reach into our lives.

       All these years later, this man is still on my mind every single day, and I pray for him with as much fervency today as I did when I first met and fell in love with him.  All these years later, he is doing his darnedest to rid me of his mind, as much as I wish I could rid him of my mind and heart of him to this day.  Back then, I couldn't understand why I couldn't rid my daily thoughts of him until GOD showed me that we are in His thoughts daily. I long to forgive this man of all his hurtful behavior, but he hasn't come to the point where he sees his treatment toward me as hurtful and harmful, nor has he asked for forgiveness. GOD longs to forgive us in the same manner, in fact, he has already forgiven us before we even asked for it, because, as the All-knowing GOD, He knows that someday, we are going to come to that realization of His Love and Grace toward us, and we are going to come to see just how much effort we've put into avoiding accountability for our sins against Him.  We've even lied to ourselves as to Who GOD really Is just to avoid that accountability. 

    Jesus commands us to forgive everyone, but if you read all the context around his parables and commands, there is always a sinner seeking forgiveness. It's the same way with GOD. He longs to forgive us, but until we reach the point where we know that we need that forgiveness, it is impossible for Him to give us that gift of grace, because we don't understand just how big and wide His grace is.  It's strange, because some people see His Amazing Grace as a license to sin, and some on the other hand feel too much shame inside to receive it.  Some of us can't forgive ourselves enough to let GOD forgive us, and some of us forgive too much bad behavior, having created a God in our own image, one that we can accept, instead of the One who wants to accept us. 

     Just like I long to forgive that man who has said and done awful things to me, GOD longs to forgive us, yet, has to wait until we can see inside ourselves and our indifference and uncaring behavior toward Him, as well as understanding truly our unworthiness of His grace and love. He wants our hearts to love His ways over our own ways more than we could ever know. He is jealous for it. Sadly, I know it all too well the pain of that wait.  I sometimes wonder how GOD handles the pain of that wait.  I flood my pillow with tears, every night over the callousness of both men. This is one of my battles with GOD. He knows the outcome, I do not, thus, we are at a stalemate. He put this love my heart for that man, and this hope that his heart would be completely surrendered to GOD, yet, I see no trace after eight and a half years.  GOD is patiently waiting for him as much as I am impatiently waiting.  GOD hasn't give me the opportunity to extend love and grace unto this man, because GOD knows that at present, this man is so very undeserving of my love and grace. I understand GOD's love for us so much better now. It is the same kind of love I have for the men who rejected me. It is a love I can't control and it's against my own will to want to love either of them. It is ingrained in me and I cannot make it go away, anymore than GOD can make His love for us go away. His love for us is a love beyond all human capacity to understand it. This love GOD calls Agape love, and let me tell you, it hurts, and it hurts a lot when it's not returned.