REJECTED BY MEN, ACCEPTED BY GOD

For almost 30 years in the Christian church, I was rejected by pastors, because I asked too many questions. It's okay for a man to ask questions, but in Christianity, it's never okay for a woman,, especially one who asks the hard questions. I've had pastors show me the door, want me to leave, ignore me and treat me like a second class citizen, especially after my husband divorced YHVH GOD and me. I could almost read their minds. "There's obviously something wrong with her, because her own husband rejected her." So, I stopped going to church. I stopped for almost eight years. I asked YHVH why I was always rejected in church and never fit in.

I believe He said, "Maybe, you never fit in because I did not design you to fit in." For thirty years, I was compelled to go to church, because that was obeying Hebrews 10:25. Christians tell you that you are obligated to go to church or there is something wrong with your walk with GOD. You are compelled to tithe, because that's the part of the "Law" they want to keep, the rest, well, that's obsolete. To them, Jesus replaced the Law, but not the tithe. Christians have been teaching this for generations. I've been dismissed by Christians because I do not go to church, and yet, I've learned that I was going for the wrong reasons. The Holy Spirit had to re-program me, and it has taken this long, because GOD's revelation through the Holy Spirit is progressive. For a while there, I swore I'd never step foot in another Christian church just like 36 years ago I swore I'd never step foot in another Roman Catholic church. And yet, here I am contemplating whether or not I want to go to a Baptist church this morning that I've been invited to recently.

I almost know what's going to happen. I'm going to ask the hard questions again, and another pastor will likely see me as a trouble maker and make sure I know that I'm not wanted there, however, I'm a different person now. I've stood alone with YHVH GOD for eight years never once being rejected by Him. In fact, I was chosen and anointed to know more than a Christian usually knows. I was chosen and anointed to know some of the secrets of YHVH that the devil has blinded most Christians to. I won't go into those secrets, because this blog post is not about that, however, all several hundred of my other posts have been. This I suppose is a wrap up, because I've faced a blank page for months now and not had anything new to write.

I don't blame Christians at all, they are only repeating what their pastors have told them. I don't blame pastors, they are only repeating what their seminary professors have told them. I don't even blame the seminary professors, because they have been repeating what Biblical commentators of old have told them. Who do I blame? The enemy of GOD of course. The adversary began the Roman church, not the Roman Catholic Church, the Roman church, the one that took over in the 2nd Century AD. It all went bad from there, 1800 years of bad. It was the same in Jesus's day, it was the Rabbinical teachers, the teachers of Halacha, the oral law which was a combination of the Talmud and the TORAH. It was the adversary who got into men's brains and corrupted the Word of YHVH, and why Yeshua had to come, to bring back the purity of the TORAH, which means instructions. Here we are 2,000 years later, and we are at the same exact point. Yeshua is not coming back to teach the purity of the TORAH this time, instead He has sent the Holy Spirit and it has lit on fire those of us who were called and anointed to bring the truth to our brothers and sisters in Christ. Just like the day of Josiah, the TORAH has been hidden in the walls of the Church, and YHVH has made sure that it has been found.

YHVH is bringing the two houses of Israel back together like He promised for thousands of years in the Hebrew Scriptures. He is bring the stick of Judah and the stick of Ephraim back together again. Ephraim is the gentile Christian church this time, and Judah are the Messianic Jews. We are all His, but we are not united, yet. The Christians love the verse "blessed are those who bring good news" when referring to missionaries who go to remote parts of the world to bring the Gospel to those who've never heard it. Well, blessed are the feet who bring the TORAH to those who have never heard it, also, because the Gospel is the TORAH and the TORAH is the Gospel. I want to bring the good news of the TORAH to my brothers and sisters in the Gentile Church, but many don't want to hear the TORAH, because they've been told it's the LAW, and we are not under the LAW anymore. Well, if GOD did away with the LAW, then there'd be no sin anymore and no need for a Savior.

It's a shame that my gentile brothers and sisters cannot find the Grace that is in the TORAH, because they believe Jesus is the Grace of the Gospel. I want to help change that. My brothers and sisters in Christ have replaced the Holy Days YHVH declared in the TORAH for the unholy days the Roman Church declared. I want to help change that. Lately, I've been doing a lot of study of the time during the Maccabees, and I could write a whole new blog just about those times, maybe I will, but we are in those days. Christians believe there was a period of silence of 400 years between the two testaments in the Bible, but there was no silence from YHVH at all. YHVH was just as busy about His work then as He is now. Jesus said in John 5, my Father is always working and so am I. There was no time of silence from YHVH, it's just that the Roman Church convinced men that there was because of their hatred of all things Jewish. The Roman Catholic Church has convinced their people that they are the new Israel. Theirs's is a lost cause, but I don't believe that my Protestant brothers and sisters are completely lost.

I recently heard from a Messianic brother who found me on a Psalm119 ministries site, and he and I have been emailing. When I told him that I visited a Baptist church he rebuked me and told me that I was sinning to meet with my brothers and sisters in Christ on the first day of the week. I asked him where in the TORAH did YHVH tell us to not meet any specific day to worship Him? I can tell you where the Roman church made it illegal to meet, but there is NO day of the week where YHVH told us not to meet and corporately worship Him. In fact, Romans tells us that our true act of worship is to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice. In other words, obeying YHVH is an act of worship, not just singing a song on any particular day or meeting on any particular day. Obeying YHVH means obeying His Instructions, i.e. the TORAH, which Yeshua did. Shouldn't we walk exactly like him to the best of our ability? The reason for Jesus coming 2,000 years ago was two-fold, to bring back the purity of GOD's Instructions and to do what the TORAH could not do, and that was to save us and give us eternal life with Him in Paradise. He did not abolish the TORAH, he taught it and obeyed it.

So, I contemplate going to church on the first day with my Baptist brothers and sisters, preparing to be rejected again. If I am, well, I'll wipe the dust off my feet like Yeshua told us to do when we are not welcome, and I'll continue to pursue YHVH and His Righteousness wherever He sends me. If that is only to the blank page, then I'll do it there.

Clueless People Vomiting GOD's Wrath

       With all due respect to the late  R.C Sproul, with whom I vehemently disagreed with on many points, has some really great points in some of his better sermons. I chose this picture to illustrate the point of my title.  Church people are clueless when it comes to relating to non-church people.  I was not a church person for the first twenty-six years of my life, so I remember well living outside the walls of the church without the great Translator, the Holy Spirit.  I know what it's like to hear "greek" when a born-again holy roller said something.  Most church people are the type that have been sitting in a pew since they were in their mother's womb. They don't get us and we don't get them. How can they, they were never one of us.  When I refer to church people, I'm talking about the ones who know nothing other than the morality gospel.  The word gospel means good news, the morality gospel is not good news.  The morality gospel says, "You people outside the church are dirty sinners, and you are all going to hell, unless you conform to the likeness of us,"  PERIOD. 

     Beside the fact that hell is a fictional place, the doctrine of eternal conscious torture and torment was made up by the church, (written about in a previous blog post: The BIGGEST and most EGREGIOUS Lie of Christianity), church people usually use the Bible and Scripture as a weapon and not for healing.  Jesus came to heal and teach, not to condemn.  I know this, because after over two decades as a church person, I did the same thing. It was after a period of being a prodigal, I remembered what it was like to live on the outside.  I wish church people on the inside would get that using Scripture as a weapon does not bring life, but kills instead.  Most of them are too busy bathing and being baptized over and over again in their own self-righteousness that they have lost the entire purpose of the coming of Jesus to bring us to the Father. 

   

    Maybe I can give you another example of if you haven't worn their shoes, you can't walk in them. I've never been a drug addict, henceforth, I do not know their struggle because I've never walked in their shoes.  With that being said, as a cancer survivor who was on some serious pain-killers during radiation hell, I do understand slightly what withdrawal is.  About two weeks after the last treatment, I noticed some alleviation in the pain, hence, I took off all the patches and threw them in the trash.  BIG MISTAKE!  The next day, I woke up, and I wish I hadn't, because I was freezing and sweating at the same time.  I was as sick with the "flu" as one could be without actually having the virus.  Going off all that pain medication in one instant like that was the equivalent of going cold turkey off Heroin after being on it 24/7 for three months.   It was then that I got a whole new appreciation for their struggle.  So, to say I can relate to a drug addict is only in the sense that I get what withdrawal feels like, but I never had the desire to go back to pain medication after that. I can empathize only partially. 

   What is so sad about the ineffective evangelism of the Christian church is that these people raised in it don't understand those who are not.  Only the Holy Translator Who speaks all languages can. The best and only thing one can do is love them and pray for them, because if God wants them, only He can do what it takes to win them. Let GOD convict them instead of you trying to convince them.  The only thing a human does by trying to convince and outsider to live by insider rules is to push the outsider further outside. 

  

    Now, to many, I may come off that way as self-righteous, and I'm sorry for that.  Yet, there is the other end of the spectrum and that is that GOD is all-loving, never judgmental, loving unconditionally, because GOD is Jesus, and not the other way around.  Jesus is part of the Trinity, he is the GOD the Son.  He did come to judge, but he judged the self-righteous right.  He also came to tell sinners that there was a way out, but that way was narrow, and few find it.  He was talking to his own people, the Jews, well, I'm talking to my own people, the church.  The road is narrow, and sadly, many people in the church are on the broad road, the road to destruction, because they have been taught a lie.  The lie is all you have to do is believe in Jesus, and regardless of what you do, you are saved, because if you obey the TORAH, which means INSTRUCTIONS, the same INSTRUCTIONS Yeshua obeyed, well, that's a works doctrine and you are not under grace.  Jesus did not come to abolish the TORAH, GOD's INSTRUCTIONS, he came to do what it could not do, save us, but that doesn't mean we throw the instruction manual out.  

   If we use grace as a license to sin, then we got our license from the devil, not GOD.  We have a license to do good, to live right, not just a  get-out-of-hell-free card.  In other words, if you're sleeping with the flavor of the month and going to church every Sunday, you have created a god in your own image, one you can accept instead of the One who wants to accept you.  Stop going to church, because He hates a hypocrite.  Let me explain what the true and proper "fear of GOD" is, and it's not what you think.  We devoted ones aren't afraid of his wrath, what we are afraid of is the dreaded "wooden spoon" from heaven, maybe y'all from the south would understand the "switch" better. Those who truly belong to YHVH GOD, or are truly working out their salvation in Jesus with fear and trembling cannot go on sinning or living in sin, because the Holy Spirit won't let them.  Sometimes, GOD has to put a hook in our noses to bring us back to him, (2 Chronicles 33)  and blessed is that man GOD will go that far to bring back to the fold, even if he thinks he's still in the fold sitting in a pew every week.  

    

  

ONE TRUTH or THOUSANDS OF DENOMINATIONS

     A newer pastor from a church of which we used to be members, one of the MANY who were invited to preach, and persecuted until they left, called me to ask if we were once members of this congregation, and I said yes. He tried to get me to come back to church on Sunday. I told him I was not a Christian, that I was a Messianic Jew. He said, and I quote, "Well, if you believe in Jesus as your Savior, then I consider you a Christian." I corrected him and told him that Messianic Jews are NOT Christians, because we know that Christianity is a  man-made religion. I told him that I've studied the Scriptures and church history too well, and I cannot go on living the lies I've learned in Christianity. I began to tell him the truth, and he quickly and abruptly ended the conversation and wished me well.  

    This is something we face daily, we lovers of the TORAH.  Christian pastors avoid us like the plague, because they know what the seminaries have taught them: Anyone who believes in Jesus as their Savior is a Christian, and they must fit and conform to the mold, and it's their job to make them conform.  They choose to believe the lie that Yeshua began Christianity.  He did not.  He came to teach TORAH, which means instructions.  He came to divide Halacha, oral law created by man from TORAH, which is GOD's instructions to man.  Halacha is what man added to TORAH, which was strictly forbidden by YHVH GOD. 

   So, the lie that Christianity began with Jesus and his Disciples began with the antisemite church, the Roman Church.   The evil ROMAN Catholic Church lied 1800 years ago and created a corrupt system of government for the followers of Yeshua HaMashiach. They stripped them of their ability to read Scripture on their own when Jerome translated the Scriptures into the Latin Vulgate. (Which went against YHVH GOD's intention of keeping the Word of GOD in a common language most could read.)

The ROMAN Church intentionally harassed, persecuted and murdered any people who tried to get the Scriptures into the hands of ordinary people. If this doesn't boil your blood, nothing will. The great murderous Roman Catholic Church

  Their new system of governance is just as corrupt as the US Federal Government has become. They spawned a rebellious daughter called the Protestant Rebellion, which in turn created in and of itself a just as Corrupt system of the governance of spirituality, dividing it unto thousands of denominations with different sets of rules and by-laws to live by. The Reformation was only people who wanted to rebel from the Mother church, but keep from her what it liked and wanted, i.e. infant baptism and some of the sacraments, including pagan holidays baptized into Christ.

Matthew 5

17 “Don’t think that I have come to abolish the Torah or the Prophets. I have come not to abolish but to complete. 18 Yes indeed! I tell you that until heaven and earth pass away, not so much as a yud or a stroke will pass from the Torah — not until everything that must happen has happened. 19 So whoever disobeys the least of these mitzvot and teaches others to do so will be called the least in the Kingdom of Heaven. But whoever obeys them and so teaches will be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven. 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness is far greater than that of the Torah-teachers and P’rushim, you will certainly not enter the Kingdom of Heaven!

Yeshua HaMashiach the Son of YHVH GOD was a Torah keeper, and he taught us to do the same. PERIOD. We were told by Sha'ul, the Jewish Pharisee who became a follower of the Jewish Yeshua taught us to walk as Yeshua did. The Roman Catholic Church invented a gentile Jesus with new rules and regulations, and a new gentile Paul, neither of whom ever existed. The Protestant church only extended the corrupt teachings of the Roman Catholic church, and stripped the Scriptures of the Jewish heritage, mostly Martin Luther who hated the Jews, because he could not convert them. The Roman Catholic Church outlawed the Hebrew Scriptures and the Torah completely. Yes, the Roman Church outlawed YHVH GOD's own Instructions which is Hebrew is translated Torah that He established with Moses. Now, that's arrogance.

 NO SUCH THING AS FAILING GOD

       As a former leftist, liberal, feminist, then uppity church pew dweller, then prodigal, and all around screw-up, I know about as much about YHVH GOD, who created the universe as the average screw-up.  I'm far from an expert, but I have studied the Bible inside, outside, and upside down.  I've studied the historicity of it and how GOD dealt with His people throughout the ages, especially His heroes who were total screw-ups. (They were all men, by the way, no women screw-ups in his heroine list that I could find!)  I have lived in the fiery furnace of affliction for decades, some by my own doing, some not, and there is one thing that keeps coming back to me, and it's as old as Genesis.  GOD predicted man's downfall and need for redemption in Genesis 3 and their need for deliverance in Genesis 15, as well as hundreds of other verses in the Whole Counsel of GOD. There is not one event or period of apostasy that GOD did not predict and even anticipate a need for redemption and deliverance for His people.  The plan was set, but man being a stupid as he is, he had to learn the hard way.  I'm like that.  I learn by trial and error, mostly error.  

     In fact, I daily delete my posts on my social media like I clean out my junk drawer in the kitchen.  I don't want to be guilty of posting something wrong about GOD, because as Job's friends found out, GOD's wrath burns against anyone who does not tell the truth about Him. (Job 42:7).  I highly suggest that one take note of that verse before one puts up anything on their social media about the character of the Creator.  There is nothing that irritates me more than when humans bring GOD down to our level or post Bible verses that aren't there or out of context. GOD already came down to our level, and He did a fabulous flawless job of it in Yeshua (Jesus).   He did not fail the mission, but we have thousands of times.  What I'm going to tell you isn't rocket science, so it is not going to require a very long explanation. (But don't count on that from a writer!) Even a kindergarten student could get this.  

      YHVH GOD IS OMNISCIENT!

   There, now are there any questions?  What does Omniscient mean?  Well, it means that before you were born, GOD knew every mistake you would make. He knew about that mathematical error on your first grade math paper, to the low score on your ACT or SAT's, or the D you got in Geology 101 as a college freshman, because you slept through the maps portion of the course and you turned in a blank final exam  because your dormmates were going to a frat party the weekend before the exam, and you've never been to a frat party before, and you thought you'd be safe skipping the maps portion of the textbook when cramming the night before the final!  Sound familiar?  He also knew about that girl or boy that you would charm into bed because, well, they were hot, and you were dumped by the love of your life, payback, you know? He knew about that bad marriage, that child you screwed up the first time around parenting because you had awful parents and you had no idea what you were doing as a new parent.  He knew about that guy you fell head-over-heals in love with right after your husband dumped you during your cancer treatments, and you went to bed with him, knowing full well it was wrong.  He also knew the pain you would suffer for that decision for years to come, and that's what brought real spiritual growth in your life.  He knew that after all your screw-ups and stupid posts you put on your social media that you would turn back to him with every fiber of your being. He knew that you would dedicate your life to Him, even if that meant a lonely existence with no new love in your life for the rest of your days.  

      Are you catching on?  He knew all the mistakes you were going to make. As a matter of fact, He actually weaved them into your life to teach you how to be a better person and servant.  He loved you like a son or a daughter, because He knew that you would be one, a devoted one, even whilst on your prodigal road worshiping some random B country singer to get as far away from Him as you could because life in general broke your heart and you blamed Him.  GOD knew that all your mistakes would get you a PhD in the college of Hard Knocks, and you would turn it all around and write a block buster book that would go viral after you left this earth.  The whole time you were screwing up, He knew that there would be other screw-ups who would someday need a screw-up to look up to!

  
   Learn this one fact, there is no way to fail GOD, because even if you did not do all those things He knew that He had a purpose for your life, and He was going to accomplish it whether you wanted Him to or not.  And, here's the kicker, for those outside the family of GOD, you did not fail Him either, because He knew that you would never turn to Him and want to turn your life around to do something good for the Kingdom.  It's impossible to fail someone who knows your every thought, word and deed before you were even born.  

     If you need another example of this concept, if you are a parent, tell me, do you love your children?  Are they perfect?  When they were born did you expect them to be perfect, or did you know that there would be a lifetime of mistakes that they would make before they turned thirty? It is just like you understand your rebellious teen because it's a phase, one you yourself went through.  Your child did not fail you when they went through that awkward stage of thinking they know more than you at the ripe old age of fourteen.  We cannot fail the Omniscient Creator who knew long before you took your first breath that you would be total screw-up, but one that He loved enough to send His Son for so you could live with Him forever in Paradise.  The next time you see a post where someone confesses to fail GOD, send them my way, so I can straighten them out, because that's my job.  I'm the screw-up everyone needs to know about, because I did all those things, and until I stop breathing, and even after that, GOD will accomplish though me that which He ordained before Genesis 1:1 was ever written let alone spoken. 

  Three Races, 

Two Horses and 

 One GOD! 

     Most of my readers know that  I can relate almost anything that happens in the natural to  spiritual events in heavenlies, and that is because I know that GOD is intricately involved in everything that happens on this earth because it's His creation. When a carpenter builds a house with his own hands, by the time he's finished with it, he knows almost every grain that runs in every plank of wood that built that house. He knows every intricate detail in the design, planning and construction.  GOD is much like that with His Creation and with time and events. 

      I am convinced that one of His most favorite creations besides humans, of course, is the horse.  If you have ever gotten close to one, you can see the Hand of GOD by it's stunning beauty. It wasn't until I came to the horse capital of the world that I truly discovered them, and not until I watched my very first Kentucky Derby that I truly realized the magnificence of this creature. The muscle structure of that animal when it runs just screams Divine Artistry as you see each muscle working in coordination with the bone structure. Although horse racing is as much big business as church business has become, I truly believe that GOD can speak and move through horse racing at electrifying speed if one know where to look.  

        If you haven't lived in a cave, you know that the two superstar horses this year are SOVEREIGNTY and Journalism.  If you know as much about horse racing as I do, you know that there is the Triple Crown in horse racing like there is one football Superbowl, and one NASCAR  500 Cup series race that bring out the best of the best.  The three races are The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness, and the Belmont Stakes.  Every once in a blue moon, one spectacular horse will win all three in the same year. The last time that happened was in 2018 with JUSTIFY.  He's my spirit animal, because that most astounding animal did something no other horse has ever done in the entire history of horse racing.  He came out of nowhere in the end of January, (my birthday weekend), raced for the first time in three qualifying races, and scored enough points to get into and dominate the Kentucky Derby. He then went on to easily take  the Preakness title, and finally, he received the coveted Triple Crown title in the Belmont Stakes.  I totally got into this series, because I knew my future depended on a horse race.  It was just one of the many times my answer and my relationship with GOD flourished from a fleecing!  (Judges 6).  For your enjoyment, Each leg of the the Triple Crown won by JUSTIFY)

  

    I fell crazy madly in love with that horse, not so much because of his breeding, but because of his name.  I was going through one of the most awful times of my life, and there have been many, but I clearly heard GOD promise me that He would JUSTIFY all that I have been through for a greater good. I'm not into gambling away the provisions of Jehovah Jireh, but I have no problems betting my hopes and dreams on a horse race, and GOD has always come through for me. The previously unknown JUSTIFY accomplished what no horse has ever done, then faded into the background by retiring from racing. His present job now is to reproduce other thoroughbreds.  Are you seeing what I'm seeing?  I'm a nobody with the hopes of doing the same.  He's my spirit animal because I see in him what GOD sees in me.  

    I really got involved in this years series when I learned that a horse name SOVEREIGNTY was in the Derby. SOVEREIGNTY is one of GOD's greatest character traits and the one I've battle with the most.  I told Him, (as if He didn't already know), that He could not let any other named horse beat out His SOVEREIGNTY, and that He had to prove that His Name ruled over all.  As usual, He did not disappoint.  Two of the best races I've ever seen were this years Kentucky Derby and The Belmont Stakes. (The Kentucky Derby 2025 and The Belmont Stakes 2025)  

  Recently, I asked GOD about this year's races and why SOVEREIGNTY was not going to run in the Preakness.  I knew there had to be a good answer with a deeper spiritual meaning to this, because he would have easily won the Triple Crown this year.  GOD always answers our questions, but sometimes we have to wait for the answer.  I believe GOD let me know that He took SOVEREIGNTY out of the 2nd leg of the race to show me that  the horse named Journalism does have a stake in the horse racing world and he is a powerful force.  It was then that He expanded on that answer, and the deeper meaning hit me like a Jockey's whip.  Journalism was the bonafide winner of the Preakness and came in second in the other two races just behind SOVEREIGNTY.  

     Now, if you're not putting this together yet, let me do it for you. Journalism represents man's word, and it represents man's free will.  Journalism is what man wills and writes, whereas GOD's Word is SOVEREIGN over man's word and will. So many people have told me that GOD stays out of man's free will.  I always disagree.  Man's free will and word are subject to GOD's  SOVEREIGNTY. Two of my kinship Bible characters,  Jeremiah and Jonah wanted to run from GOD (Jeremiah 20 and Jonah 1), but GOD's SOVEREIGN rule and calling on their lives prevailed.  GOD had ordained a work for them to do, and as much as both butted heads with Him His will accomplished that which He ordained.  Man's free will does carries weight in this world, many times a negative one, but GOD's SOVEREIGNTY will always win over it, because GOD will forever JUSTIFY those who follow close after Him. 

    I've fought with Him over dozens of things that have happened in my life basically because of some men's free will and how it has negatively impacted my life.  I've tried to run from GOD, but each time, He has stopped me cold dead in my tracks.  He has a race for me to run and a prize for me to win, and He knows that eventually I am going to succeed and come out in first place and win this Spiritual Race. GOD's SOVEREIGNTY will rule the race I've been running against other men's will.   If you are anything like me and you are fighting GOD's call on your life, no matter how much you lay back, no matter how slow you run, if GOD has an ordained plan to do a great work through you,  His SOVEREIGNTY will get you where you need to be and when.  Those other horses in the race will be there with you, and you need them, because if there were no other horses, they'd be no need for you to run!  

 LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS:

Is that why we are born?

      A while back, I remember reading about how it's human nature for everyone to seek love and happiness as our main pursuits over our lifetime. Who doesn't want to be in love, be loved, or be happy?  The sad fact of this part of the human nature is that sometimes we will pursue these things at the expense of others.  While we are pursuing love and happiness, at times, our pursuit causes grief and despair for others.  So, is it ever okay to pursue these things at the expense of another or if it causes grief to a fellow human being?  I think maybe that's why our divorce rate is just as high in the church as well as outside of the church.  If we aren't happy with our spouse, or we don't feel our needs met, well, we go looking for someone else to supply that which we need. 

     As a victim of divorce, I too sought refuge with a new and future potential spouse, until GOD denied me that lifetime happiness for nine years.  For years, I struggled with that, wrestling with the Almighty like Jacob, and finally letting Him prevail.  It finally occurred to me that my personal happiness in this life wasn't in the forefront of GOD's mind or desire for me.  That was a heavy pill to swallow.  What I did realize is that the Kingdom of GOD is the utmost importance to Him and building it was just part of my assignment, even if it meant the sacrifice of my best life now, as one popular evangelist titled his book.  Should we really pursue our best life now?  I've learned, no, we should not, especially at the expense of others. Being a single parent was GOD's will for my life whether I wanted to be one or not.  Did GOD will my divorce? I would say no, He did not, however, someone with free will did.  Free will is given to us when we are born. It's after we become children of GOD that we must decide if we are willing to give up that free will totally, partially or not at all.  

     Every time I try to make sense of something in my life that hurt me or tested my resolve to follow GOD's leading, I look for a precedent in the Bible and how GOD dealt with it with His servants. Some of our contemporary struggles can be found in the Scriptures, but some of them can only be solved through the principals taught to us in the Scriptures.  Blended families is just one of those things not mentioned in the Bible, but the principals of how to deal with them can be.  I can't find blended families with shared custody in the Bible. The ONLY reference I can come up with referring to any kind of a step-child scenario is in Genesis when Joseph told his family about his dreams.  When his father  Abraham was offended by the second dream, he referred to Leah as Joseph's mother, when in fact, Rachel was Joseph's true birth mother.  So, there's a step-parent, however, the birth mother or rather other wife was already dead.   The only other reference to divorce and a "step-child," would be in Matthew with Herod and Herodias and her daughter, who seduced her "step-father" with a dance. Herodias was called Philip's wife by John,  even though she married Herod.  Marriage and divorce is the equivalent of polygamy in Bible days.  Our courts may deem our marriages dissolved, but does GOD?  Doesn't the Scriptures say, "What GOD has brought together, let no man put asunder?"  

    It is a very good possibility that GOD doesn't have a second husband for me, and until recently, I couldn't understand why, seeing how my husband divorced me and took up with another.  It occurred to me when a friend of mine told me her back story of how when her mother took up with another man after leaving their father, the two daughters didn't exist anymore, or that was how they felt. That truth hit me like a bolt of lightning. Why it didn't occur to me before that shocks me.  I could not be an excellent, superb wife to a second husband and devoted full-time mother and father, in this instance, to the five children who needed me when their father left. Likewise, that other man couldn't be a devoted husband to a third wife while trying to maintain some stability for the three children who desperately needed a good stable father.  Not only did their mother put them through one divorce, but less than ten years later, she put them through another divorce with their step-father. GOD hates divorce and the damage it does to children is why.  Those precious children needed a devoted father for stability, and that's what they got, because as far as I know, GOD has denied that man any true and lasting love to fill that void in his life.  His children were more important to GOD than that man's need for a woman or wife in his life.  Back when I met that man, I wanted to love on his children, but GOD wanted me to love on my own.  I can look back now and see His Wisdom was best. As humans, it's always after the fact that we realize just how faulty our reasoning and rationalization was. 

     Because there are no blended families with shared custody in the Bible, I took that as a clue from GOD regarding what He is doing with me or going to do with me.  My children were His priority, and my first assignment was to be a devoted parent, not another spouse, trying to make another husband happy.  It was at that point that I realized GOD's will was best, as usual, I re-committed to sacrificing my will and pursuit of personal fulfillment and happiness and just accept His will and move on from there, asking Him how I can still be a better example or servant leaving something good behind. I usually accept my assignment and consider GOD's will better for all even if it's not what makes me happy in this life. It's never about me, but it's always going to be about what's best for the Kingdom. I can accept that and still be happy even if it's not what my heart and humanity craves. 

When Backed up Against the Wall, Do What GOD's Heroes Did.

     Five years ago, while serving at the local food pantry, I got served. I didn't get served food, though, I got served divorce papers. After six years of waiting this thing out, hoping that my husband would turn back to GOD, he instead, underhandedly went behind my back and retained a human divorce lawyer. He told me that I didn't need a lawyer, that he would take care of me financially, and nothing would change that. That was the case, until recently, so, I am grateful for that.  I did need a lawyer, only I wasn't going to pay a human lawyer to defend me.  I retained a Lawyer long before, when this all began, and He has been advising me through this mess. My Lawyer works pro-bono, and as the true Judge in the case, He always serves Justice where justice is due.

   My husband who used to be a dedicated man of GOD, raising our eight children with me for almost 30 years, has laid claim to a new god. and a new woman.  It's a travesty, but more than that, it's a tragedy in the making. He knows that GOD has called me to special task, and he knows better than to go after a servant who is working for the Kingdom of Heaven full-time. He has seen the mighty Hand of GOD pull off some pretty amazing feats on my behalf. This is why he is being so foolish, and I do not understand this risk he is willing to take.

   He claimed to be divorcing me after three decades, two wedding ceremonies, including a Covenant Marriage ceremony, and eight baby dedications.  I took this personal, as any faithful wife would.  I see his civil NO-FAULT divorce as his way of persecuting me.  When we are persecuted, it is not us who are being persecuted, but Jesus. In Acts 9, when Saul was stopped cold dead in his tracks on the Damascus Road on his way to arrest, persecute and put to death those Jews following the Way, Jesus took that moment to let him know just Who he was trying to oppress. When a husband divorces a faithful Covenant wife, he is also divorcing YHVH GOD.  While Saul thought he was taking ordinary men to court, he was really taking Jesus to court. Jesus was having none of that, because Saul had a destiny, one he never suspected. His destiny would change the course of the entire world, and he would go from being the church's chief opponent, to the church's chief proponent, and write 1/3 of the New Testament for all of us to benefit for these last two thousand years.

     Well, I don't have that kind of destiny, but there is a work GOD has for me to do, and my husband has known that.  By going up against me, instead of protecting me, he was really going up against GOD.  I've tried to warn him of that fact.  Let me tell you, many people have tried to go up against GOD and GOD's people, and to this date, none have won. When I got those divorce papers in front of all my volunteer friends at the food pantry, which was in a church, I did what good King Hezekiah did. I took those folded up papers straight up to the sanctuary, and laid them flat on the altar right under the Cross of Jesus. Then, I laid prostrate on the ground and cried and panicked a little.  I cried out to my GOD for help. After I did that, I put them on his car, secured by the windshield wiper, prayed it wouldn't rain, and put a verse on the back side of those un-opened papers to let my husband know just Who was fighting my battle.

      Whenever things get really bad, when my back's up against a wall, the only thing I can do is find someone in the Bible, study what they did, and do the same. The good King Hezekiah did the same thing. 2 Kings 19:14-37. We can't go wrong by finding  Biblical example and doing the same as one of GOD's instruments did.  When my husband first left me six years prior to him filing for divorce,  I could have struck first and filed for divorce.  When  he began a relationship with another woman, I had every right to file, but I did not.  She pressured him to divorce me, and then eventually dumped him even after he gave in to her.  I was there to pick up the pieces.  He has since put a ring on another woman's finger and moved in with her.  This is a woman he describes as a good Christian woman, and they both attend church regularly and are even involved in some ministries.  This does not go over well with GOD, no matter what people tell themselves.  You cannot live in complete opposition to the Bible, attend church regularly and not expect it to cost you something dear. Again, if this relationship goes south, I've offered to pick up the pieces and be his back up plan so he doesn't end up homeless, hoping my grace toward him will lead him to sincere and serious repentance.  Usually, it's GOD's Grace which leads us to repentance, but there are occasions when our repentance will lead to Grace, however, it is usually GOD reaching out to us first with the offer of Grace.  

     In 1 Samuel, although David had every right to defend himself from a mad king hell-bent on killing him, David did not strike on those two opportunities that GOD delivered King Saul into his hands. I've had plenty of opportunity to do some serious damage to that man, and at times, I will admit, I was tempted. When he first left, I truly never believed it would come to divorce court, and I will admit, I panicked when this did happened, even after I prayed and read the Bible. I wept bitter tears, loud bitter tears for two days, so much so that my head was about to explode, and my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I had an army of social media friends praying, and what a difference that made in a couple of days. Like David in 1 Samuel 29, with their help, I was able to find strength in the LORD, and turn it all over to Him, again. I know that GOD will never leave us, even if at times if feels like He has. Eventually, GOD does come through for His servants, sometimes we have to wait it out in the fiery furnace of affliction, but GOD is never late. He is always on time, even if it's not what we consider on time. 

     I pleaded with my husband for nine months to withdraw the divorce papers  I even asked him if GOD was telling him to do this and he admitted no, He wasn't.  I begged my husband then to turn back to the true YHVH of the Bible, and continue to do so, to no avail.  When a man attacks his Godly wife in front of their children, he isn't just killing the one-flesh, but he's destroying his children in the process. The father's role in the family is so very vital and crucial, and when the head of the household goes bad, like a any creature with it's head cut off, the whole body dies.  I know that too many women have been victim to their husbands throwing them away like yesterday's newspapers, and have been dragged into divorce court, against their wills. These women  have been forced to fight back with their own human lawyer, causing financial devastation to the children and the home.  Although, my husband has indeed kept his word and provided for me and the children all these years, I have been the only full-time parent, 24/7, at home taking care of their every need. Yes, he's forking over their financial needs, but children need way more from a father than money. GOD knows that, I know that, but sadly, my husband either doesn't know it, or doesn't care.

     I have not hid the truth from our children, nor have I tried to destroy their relationship with him, however, he has.   It's a husband's job to protect his wife, their mother, and when he goes after her through the civil courts, he's telling his children that he hates their mother. Also, when a man takes on a new woman, in the recesses of a child's mind, they see this as an attack on their mother, and it will affect their relationship with their father for the rest of their lives. There is no good outcome here unless he repents.  This never ends well for the father.  Children have an innate propensity to protect their mother, even if she has many faults. 

     Personally, unless you  have a really strong faith in YHVH GOD, and are doing your best to live by His standards alone, and not man's, I would not recommend going into divorce court without legal counsel.  You have to really be sure that you are in the right here, and if you are, then you can trust GOD to be your Counsel.  I guess, for me, it was a lesson in trust. I was terrified, but I did what the Biblical heroes did, and I stood on that ground.  I did not fight back, I did not try to do any damage, and I let GOD have His way, however it was going to go. It is a very scary thing, but, I did it. I had to give up all rights to everything, and understand that if it was GOD's will for me to lose everything, I was going to have to live with that, too. 

     As it turned out, I got to keep my house, everything in the house, and the children too.  I won materially, but we all lost spiritually and emotionally. There is no getting over the damage a divorce does, ever.  Maybe that's why GOD says in Malachi 2:16, I hate divorce.  It's not over until GOD says it's over and I can only see two outcomes here.  Either he repents, or GOD ends his time here with him living in sin.  Obviously, I'm praying still for the former.  The key here is for me to keep my nose clean, because the children are watching both of us, and at least one of us has to leave a good track record if both cannot. 

    

JUST LIKE I USED TO BE!

     When I was rescued from the "sinful" world and born-again at the ripe old age of 26 years old, I gratefully spent the next 21 years as a devoted student of the Word, and a devout church member. I boycotted anything that was from the liberal left/gay movement. As a former sinner, saved out of the secular world, I had a point to make. I was going to birth an army for the LORD and show the world that I could satisfy and serve my husband, staying married for life. I couldn't get along with non-church members in the sinful world, just like I used to be.  Then GOD thought I had about enough of that. The night before I was to give birth to my eighth child, as a devoted wife and homeschooling mother, YHVH GOD felt that I needed to fall from my high and lofty place, and fall I did, as my happy world came crashing down.

     When my eldest became the first of my prodigals to walk away from the family as well as GOD as an adult, I got a well-deserved pie in the face. Eighteen months later, I was knee-deep back in the secular world, this time as a sinner saved by grace, who wanted nothing to do with GOD. I was angry at a Him and devastatingly hurt, because He let my eldest become an estranged prodigal who wanted nothing to do with us. As far as I thought, I did raised them right, much better than the upbringing I had. He completely let me down, and He let her do what she did. 

     So, what did I do? I became a prodigal, also. If my daughter was estranged from me, well, I was going to be estranged from GOD. Eighteen months later, when I had enough time on my prodigal road, the YHVH GOD came calling for me and He brought me back into the fold. He taught me something I never knew before; G-R-A-C-E. Now, full of grace & shouting it from the rooftops, I can't get along with church members who were just like I used to be.

      Several years later, now as a former wife, and mother to all prodigals, a single mother, my dream now is to become a vessel for all prodigals and sinners, the bruised reeds that Jesus would never have broken, because they knew already just how broken they already were. I want to help the contrite hearts, the ones Jesus loves; just like he loved me when I was a secular sinner, later when I was a self-righteous "Pharisee," a broken down mother of an estranged adult daughter, then as a sinner-saved-by-grace prodigal, as a cancer survivor, and now, the broken mother of a estranged adult children, and an abandoned wife who was served divorce papers, and dragged into divorce court against my will.  I look for people who are just like I used to be, because I get it. 

I look for bruised reeds because I am one.

 If Man Says It, Think The Opposite

     There is a Scripture that is one of my favorites in Isaiah.  I'm sure I've mentioned it a thousand times.  My ways are not your ways, My thoughts are not your thoughts. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways above yours."   Isaiah 55:8-9.  Maybe I didn't translate it word for word, but thought for thought.  In the era of Social media, everyone is a philosopher creating all kinds of quotes out there looking for their viral post.  I've had a few, like "Love and compassion are gifts from GOD but empathy is earned," or "Failure is the flour in humble pie and the stepping stones to success."  Well, I had an epiphany the other day while driving.  I had Air1 on the radio and I heard the lyrics in a song, "You won't have peace until you can let go of tomorrow."  It hit me as if a Mack truck had completely side swiped me while I wasn't looking.  It was like the Holy Spirit shined a truth in my eyes that I always knew, but never knew at the same time.

   I have feared tomorrow for the past ten years in the worst way.  I have feared that I'll never amount to anything in Christ, and yet, I have feared success even worse.  I have feared I'd lose my house, be cut off from the hand that feeds me, lose my children to the devil's minions, anything and everything, and yet, all this time, I never enjoyed today because of that fear of tomorrow.  All my life, even from childhood, I've always looked forward to the next thing or better days, because the present day's evil was constant. I've suffered emotional trauma since I was six-years old, when it began with my mother.  

   When I got out from under her, in college, then I looked forward to getting married and living happily ever after. Well, we all know that young and stupid isn't an expression, it's a fact.  I feel sorry for young people because they have no idea of the trauma headed their way, neither did I.  When I did finally marry, for a short time, things got better.  Then I started looking forward to being a mother, and while I was popping out babies, I always looked forward to the next one, until I knew number 8 was enough.   Then, I looked forward to grandchildren decades later.  When I received my "calling" as they say, I looked forward to being a successful writer, making a positive impact in people's lives, all the while being smacked down with cancer, divorce, and the birdies leaving the nest.  One thing I tell people is that if I had known how much it was going to hurt when the birdies left the next, I may not have laid so many eggs! But, I had a bright future to look forward to, or did I?  Divorce and doubt plagued me and has for ten years.

   It was when my husband divorced me, which I never saw coming, that was when I really began dreading the future. Every other year, empty nest syndrome got closer and closer, and now, it's almost close enough to touch. Life almost became unbearable because I feared being all alone in this big empty house. I needed a back up plan, and a walk along a North Carolina beach was the answer.  So, my back up plan is the sell my house when number 8 goes out on his own, buy a Winnebago and wake up on a different beach every morning. That seems like a future I can handle if I have to handle a future all alone.  

    You know when you have thought a certain way all of your life, it's nearly impossible to change that thought pattern, well, I've always counted on the future to be better than the present and the past.  I never realized just how good the past was until it was in the past.  After I heard that one line in that song, I looked up Scripture and how many times GOD says to remember the past, and how many times GOD said to worry about tomorrow, and it hit me, again. Man thinks the opposite of GOD.  Notice just how many times GOD wants us to remember the past and what He has done for us, and how many times He wants us to look forward to the future.  There is no comparison.  He tells us that He will deliver us in the future, but over two hundred times He tells us to remember the past.  

   Being a social media person that I am, I can't count how many times I've read posts that say to let go of yesterday, especially since my husband left me, during all these grieving years of watching him walk away from everything we planned and hoped for, as well as my children walking away from our home and GOD. It says to remember four times as many times as the word tomorrow in the Scriptures.  YHVH does not want us to forget the past, He wants us to always remember it and count on Him for deliverance for that which ails us, and grief is what ails me.  Fear of the future of tomorrow is what ails me.  Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow for today has enough worries of it's own.  I don't how many times I told my high school friend that, sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, meaning just what Jesus said. Today has enough problems of its own, don't worry about tomorrow. I would say this to her whenever she would get all worked up about something she thought someone would try to do to harm her. Yet, I'm guilty of worrying about next year's tomorrows. 

     I never worried about the next 24 hours. I'm terribly guilty about worrying about the tomorrows of years from now.  

    That is even crazier than worrying what will happen in forty-eight hours.  YHVH GOD has always come through for me in the past, and yet, I continue to picture the worse case scenario in my head of what the future may look like since the year my husband first threatened to divorce me after he moved out.  When each child left, and number 7 just moved out recently, I've dreaded the year 2027 like there is no tomorrow.  Pun not intended, well, maybe intended just a little.  I need to let go of tomorrow's tomorrow if I ever want to have any peace.  I hope if you fear tomorrow's tomorrow, you can find your peace in thinking the opposite of man, remember the past, and fear not tomorrow. 

 It All Goes Back To Original Sin

    I  have this person who came into my life in 2016. The thing that attracted me to her and her to me was my relationship with GOD. She liked what I had to say and the answers I gave her when she asked me questions. They were very different from her Pentecostal upbringing, which just did not sit right with her. Her mother was extremely judgmental toward anyone who did not think like her. 

  In 2019 when she needed a favor she got back in touch with me and I took her in. She was escaping an abusive background. At that time, I was in no place to minister to her about YHVH GOD because I was in a dark place myself, but I let her move in.  That did not go over well with my family.  After a few months, she began to pick fights with me and then left abruptly.  She came back into my life a few years later and needed another favor, and of course, I jumped in to help, and then again, she started picking fights with me after the favor. In the meantime, I had learned that she "had picked a fight with GOD" and had become an agnostic.  This year, she came back into my life, and again, she needed a really huge favor, and again, I got in trouble with my family for letting her move back in with us for a limited time. She continued to need my help and I helped her.  After a few weeks, when I asked a favor from her, I noticed she started to pick fights with me again, this time over President Trump. She was scraping the bottom of the barrel to find something to fight with me about because I was not witnessing to her about GOD, knowing she had developed a hatred for all thing relating to YHVH GOD.   I tried to get her to not pay attention to all the news, but she continued to antagonize me, until we got into another spat and she broke off contact with me, again.  

    So, I asked GOD, why has this happened three times, and the answer I got was not what most people would think. She wasn't using me for what she could get out of me. She genuinely appreciated my help.  She's is fiercely independent, and she hates being obligated to anyone.  She hated that she "owed" me, so it was easier to get angry with me and find fault with me than to owe me any debt.  This way, if she could find fault with me it erased any debt she had to me.  

   Then, GOD showed me that's how people treat Him. We will find fault GOD with Him, any little thing we can find so we do not owe Him our obedience.  I'm guilty of the exact same thing at times. I've done this many times.  If I can find a reason to be frustrated or angry with GOD it erases my debt of total submission and giving up my complete autonomy.  Then, of course, if we cannot find fault with Him, what we do is bring Him down to our human level, hence make Him our buddy who has a "boys-will-be boys" attitude.  As long as we believe Jesus died for our sins, we are safe and good, because salvation is by faith alone, right?  Sadly, it doesn't work like that. 

   If one really reads the Whole Counsel of GOD, whenever His people turned away from Him, He let bad things happen to them, then they found reason to erase their debt to Him and follow after other gods.  It happened over and over again in the historicity of Scriptures.  If the entity is bad, we owe them nothing no matter what good they did in the past.  We do it with people, we do it with GOD, but we don't do it with Jesus, because well, Jesus is different from GOD. (Faulty human logic, but if it works for us, we are going to stick with it.)  I know you say that's not right, but believe it or not, people actually believe that Jesus is a kinder more passive God, than the GOD of the Old Testament.  It's true that most Christians believe that and it's a terrible lie. 

    GOD brought it all home to me with that simple phrase from above.  We don't want Him to have complete Sovereignty and autonomy over our lives, after all, He gave us free will right, so, lets take advantage of it.  We are told that our sins are forgiven once we "ask Jesus into our hearts," past, present and future.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. GOD's promises to us are conditional based on our obedience. (Deuteronomy 28) A long time ago, after my husband first left me, when I was searching for a new man in my life, EVERY man I spoke to when asked about sex before marriage gave me the same answer.  "Well, I know it's wrong, but that's what Grace is for, my sins will be forgiven."  

    If we intentionally sin with the attitude that it will be forgiven after the fact, then we are using Grace and Free will as a license to live in sin, and that is man's doctrine, not GOD's.  Adam was the first to sin, he changed GOD's word, Eve was the second, she gave in to the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and pride of life. She wanted to be like GOD, and when she didn't die by just touching it, she assumed GOD lied to her.  Hence, if He lied, she doesn't owe him her obedience.  

   Maybe Adam should not have changed the command from not to eat it to "don't even touch it, or you will die."  Job 42:7 is a warning I never really took very seriously because I never really knew it was there.  GOD's wrath burned against Job's friends because they lied about GOD.  Maybe we should stop lying to ourselves about YHVH GOD so we can have our own way and erase our obligation to Him?