Who am I? I really do not know
I wish I did.
I'm not really an author, so to speak, not recognized by man. I may have written ten books and a fictional series, against my will, but I did it, anyway. I hate fiction. I’ve always hated fiction. (It is turning out less fictional every year, whooda thunk it?) When GOD put that silly notion into my head to write a novel, I did have one condition though. I would do it, ONLY if it had a happy ending. Too many tragic literary fictional stories out there, and life is depressing enough. I don't want any money for them, nor will I ever write anything like them, again. I only did it, because GOD turned on a movie projector in my head and I typed everything I saw and heard in great detail. A lot of people who read it say they feel like they are watching a movie in print. Yeah, that's how it was for me.
I don't want a publishing contract, even if offered one, I won’t sign on any condition. GOD entrusted LOVE'S MUSES and its character with me, I won't turn them over to anyone else because they are that precious. I don't even want my books really out there until after I'm gone, as in permanently Retired in that Assisted Living Mansion in Paradise, the one Jesus says that he is preparing for me. (John 14). That way GOD gets all the Glory for the work, and Katie Lynn Moore becomes world famous in my stead, and she's limited to the words on a page.
I'm a mother who has graduated seven children into legal adulthood, so I can’t be sued by anyone for anything they do, now. I have one left who is still a minor. Man, am I going to miss that. I say legal adult, because in the eyes of the law, they are adults, in the eyes of anyone else, that’s left up to interpretations. GOD told Moses to count only the males twenty and over as adult enough for any kind of military service. (Numbers). A Levite could not start serving as a priest until thirty. (Leviticus, Ezekiel)
I'm an ex-wife by man's law, but a Covenant Wife according to GOD's Law, yet, I've been cast aside by a man who doesn't want to live the Christian life anymore, after 30 years. Well, the Bible's version of it, anyway. I'm not old as some would see it, but I'm not young as others would see it. I'm at that dreadful middle-age. You know, smack dab in the middle, wishing I was young, but knowing young and stupid is not an expression, it's a reality. I hated my fifties, fought all the way through it, now that I have the wisdom of the "aged," I boast about my age, now. I was thrown in and lived in the fiery furnace of affliction for most of my life, so I have a lot of weight to my words.
These past years in the furnace, I’ve studied just about every main character in the Bible, backward, forward, inside, outside and upside down in order to find some semblance of hope that the fire will go out someday, and the furnace door will open. They are my BBF's, (Bible Best Friends), and they all gave me a reason to rise up and put my feet on the floor in the morning, besides my children and my assignment from GOD. More on him in other posts.
So, daily, I ask GOD, who am I? Why did all this awful stuff happen to me? I’ve lived Job’s life, only not so immediate, but I’ve suffered gradual losses over the years, the kind that just keep picking away pieces of your heart, until you think there’s nothing left to pick away or give away. I do not handle loss very well, in fact, I handle it quite badly, because I love too big.
So, I guess: I'm Abram - called out of Ur or in my case – Massachusetts, away from my family of non-believers.
I'm Leah - the rejected wife who was a dirty man's trick to a "trickster," who competed w/a beauty queen, then her ghost.
I'm Jacob - the trickster, trying to manipulate GOD, losing all the time, because I'm slow learner.
I'm Joseph - rejected by my siblings as the different one, imprisoned for not doing "it" Egypt's way.
I'm Ruth - "widowed" of Mahlon, the weakling with no future, a Moabite woman, wishing there was a Boaz for me.
I'm Hannah- barren with no spiritual descendants to speak of waiting for GOD to give me spiritual children. Worse even than that;
I’m Peninnah - her rival, used only as a wife to pop out a bunch of babies, whose husband loved someone more.
I'm David- hunted by a mad king (the devil) wanting to kill me, yet suffering the consequences of my sins because I'm human, and I did cave.
I'm Josiah - The TORAH has been found in the church, but just as disregarded as it was in Jesus's day, because the church decided to make up their own rules.
I'm Jeremiah - the weeping prophet with a fire burning inside me that I can't quench, GOD won't put out, and grieving for what I see as not just a lost sheep, but an entire field of them.
I'm Daniel - trapped in an upper room with only Jesus as my friend, nose buried in the Word, if not in the carpet, sucking up prayer dust mixed with tears.
I'm Zerubbabel - an exile, wondering if ever we will ever be able to back to Jerusalem and rebuild or are we lost forever, a people forsaken by GOD, so as it seems.
I’m Paul, a former legalist, who was set apart (and very much alone) in the wilderness for a certain amount of years to learn to hear only the voice of GOD, and not cave to the voice of the masses.
I’m Peter – an impulsive loud mouth with a bit of a temper, who has trouble swearing I’ll do things, then finding I don’t have the strength or stamina to do them, constantly feeling like a failure.
What about you? Who are you? Can you identify with one of these? Maybe you can identify with all of them, like I can. Are you a seed in the soil like me, covered up, buried in the dirt where it's dark, damp and you feel quite alone and despaired wanting to break out of your shell? Maybe you have a dream bigger than the prison in which your trapped? David did, Joseph did, Jacob did, Josiah did, Daniel did, Zerubbabel did, Ezra and Nehemiah did, and a host of others. What I want to be is a lighthouse for those drowning in their seas of despair. The fiery furnace of affliction has fired the bricks GOD has formed to build a very tall lighthouse out on an isolated jetty. I don't have a working light yet, GOD has to install that too, then He has to supply the Power to light it up. So, who am I? Nobody, and that's all I ever want to be, is a nobody pointing people to a Somebody who can help them.