ONLY GOD can forgive sins, and ONLY then must we follow suit.

    I have been going through the most horrendous spiritual depression, and there is no therapist, no medicine, no cure, accept one, forgiveness. I've had this horrible war raging inside of me. It has turned me into a raving maniac on-line. One minute I'm shouting from the rooftop, swearing to take down Goliath, the next, I'm doubling back, because I just can't take this anger that comes and goes. One day, I think that I've managed it, it's forgotten and forgiven, then I have a flashback, and the burn starts all over, again. I’ve given the offender(s) opportunity after opportunity to receive my grace. So, I imagine you can fathom the battle going on inside of me. Christians, i.e. church people have been taught the wrong thing for generations, and that is the reason for the horrible battle we feel with hurt multiplied by guilt. I'm free now, not any happier, but at least I do not have to do that which I cannot do:

F-O-R-G-I-V-E

When Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven time?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." We have been taught this verse so out of context it's not funny. Let's note where this Scripture is; smack dab in the middle of Jesus instructing his disciples what to do about someone who sins against us. In verse 15, it is clear that if this person does not recognize or acknowledge their sin against us on their own, we are to take it to them. (Note, this is a brother in the LORD, we cannot do this with people outside the church.) If this person repents, apologizes, Yay! Yet, if not, then we should take one or two witnesses with us. Again, if he repents, Yay! Lastly, if this person continues to deny his sin, then boot him! This means, NO FORGIVENESS. This person now becomes the one worthy of the garbage bin. If Jesus doesn't forgive him, then who are we to usurp Jesus's authority.

Next, Jesus give the parable of the unmerciful servant who owes his master big time. He pleads for mercy and receives it. He then in turn goes to his servant and demands payment for the little owed to him. This minor debtor pleads for mercy, but the swindler has no mercy and throws him in prison. When the master finds out about this, the master hits the roof and the stuff hits the fan for the unmerciful servant. If you notice the unforgiving servant did not forgive the pleading debtor who wanted forgiveness. That's not the same as being hurt deliberately and the offender never even considers asking for forgiveness.

Do you see a co-relations here? In all these situations, there is repentance. Just what is repentance? Defined, it's changing one's mind to agree with God, in this instance about our sin. If we don't believe that we sin, and we don't believe that we need any mercy or forgiveness, then we are granted what we don't want, no mercy, no forgiveness. If GOD isn't going to forgive someone, what right do we have to overstep GOD's authority. Note in the story of the prodigal son, the father never went chasing after the wayward son when the wayward son ran out of money. The father waited and watched from afar, until the son came to his senses. Likewise, GOD doesn’t always chase after us if He knows that our hearts are hardened permanently, however, if GOD knows that we have a heart after His, hidden under all that dirt, he relentless chases us with more trials, persecutions, problems than we can handle, until we come to our senses. The implied reprimand of the first-born son is because of his unforgiveness toward his repentant brother.  

Think about it, we can't give what we are not asked to give. I know this goes against everything you've learned, however, I do believe that is why the church is in the mess it is in and ineffective in reaching people with the power of the Holy Spirit. Maybe if we stop forgiving those who aren’t forgiven by GOD, then they won’t be free to continue to perpetuate spreading their sinful seed around to unsuspecting, and other stupid women like me.  In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul says boot the sexually immoral brother. Don't hide it, sweep it under the carpet or affirm it. We have no right to boot the non-believer who does not already have the Holy Spirit, but only the believer who claims to be a believer. He is doing far more damage to the body of believers by claiming to be one of them, sitting in a pew every week, unscathed, and continuing in his lifestyle of unrepentant sin. 

Scripture always needs to verify Scripture and I wouldn't be me if I don't go back into the Old Testament to find where this principle originated. It takes us back to the book of Joshua. I am sure that you all know the story of Joshua and the Israelites circling the city for seven days then shouting down the walls, (by GOD's Hand, of course). There was one other thing GOD commanded, and that was "don't steal any of the goods for yourself." There was a bad apple in the camp, and only GOD knew about it, but the whole camp suffered.  Joshua was commanded by GOD to seek out the bad apple and expose it.  So, to sum up, one bad apple in the whole bunch surely does spoil the entire barrel. One approved or even non approved sexually immoral person in the church ruins the entire congregation, rending them powerless to fight the enemy we fight today, the dark forces, principalities, authorities, or as I called them, the rip-tides in the Spiritual Realm.  Here's your problem with your mega-churches.  It's so easy to hide up in the corner of the darkened balcony not only oneself, but one's sin. If the head pastor is only preaching sermons about how much GOD loves them to get them to feel better about themselves, how has the helped the whole congregation?  It doesn't change the truth of one bad apple spoiling the whole bunch. 

Now, I'm not telling ANYONE to go out and take revenge, that's GOD's job. What I am saying is, cheap grace ain't no grace at all. Cheap grace is permission to do it again, and again, and again. Cheap grace is forgiving the sin that GOD has not yet forgiven. Cheap grace wreaks havoc in the body of the church and the body of the "victim." I can't say that I feel better because I don't have to forgive what GOD hasn't forgiven, because here is the tricky part. I want to forgive like GOD wants to forgive. I have had a sad life, and there are way too many hurts that GOD has allowed to happen to me that intimately portray GOD's hurts we cause Him. I read that GOD feels our pain when we are in pain, I beg to differ. I believe we feel GOD's pain when we sin or are sinned against. 

NEWS FLASH:

LIFE DOES NOT BEGIN AT CONCEPTION!

     I just got blocked by an anti-abortion pew warmer because I educated her with the truth of GOD and the Bible. Church people are so full of themselves shaming people outside of the church, that when someone on the inside points out a truth in the Bible they never considered, what do they do? They block the person because they hate the truth, they only love their opinions. They claim to have the only truth, but when proven wrong, well, that's just too much for them to handle. This is not a rare occasion for me. I get blocked by church people a lot.  I saw this hateful tweet after Amy Comey Barrett was announced as President’s Trump Supreme Court nominee that said, “Say good-by to your abortions, whores!” My reply was, “I don’t recall Jesus calling any women whores, not even the one caught in adultery." (BTW, where was the man? A blog post for another day!) Her reply to me was, “I don’t think Jesus would mind me trying to save babies.” Where her logic of calling these women whores was saving their babies behooves me.

   When I accurately explained to her that GOD killed babies and by the millions, and gave her examples in the Old Testament, she quickly blocked me. Why would she block someone who spoke the truth about facts in the Old Testament, if one is claiming to be a Christian? Now, I’m going for the jugular of the church, so you better buckle up, because what I’m about to say will NOT be wearing its Sunday best. If you yourself are married and having sex and using birth-control, then you haven't a leg to stand on in the abortion issue. You all say life begins at conception, right? Well, I say that you are wrong and so does the Bible. Life begins at Genesis 1:22, 28, and 8:17, 9:1, 9:7, and a host of too many Bible Scriptures to list. You might want to look those verses up, and then find some more, because you are murdering the preconceived.

    In an earlier post, I wrote that birth-control was the mother of abortion, and it’s true. The birth control pill came out before abortion was made legal. The birth control pill made procreating optional. When GOD says something once, we should take notice, when He says something twice, we should stand up and take notice, but when He says it MULTIPLE times, we need to stand up and do what He says. Life doesn’t begin at conception, it begins in the heart, it begins at the marriage ceremony where two lives become one-flesh, a new life, a new family.  Life begins at pre-conception, when a man and a woman promise to obey GOD and bring life forth into this world. There is something amiss when a man and a woman pledge their lives to GOD and to each other, however, they choose to limit what GOD calls a blessing and a reward to the average 2.5 in their quiver. I don’t recall any couples in the Bible that GOD brought together and said, "Don't be fruitful, and for My sake, limit the amount of children that you conceive, heaven is getting too crowded." When two people get married under GOD, then shouldn’t life and the creation or prevention of life be His choice? It was the people in the Bible who were given many children who were considered to be honored by GOD. 

     Now, on to where GOD took babies from their mothers' wombs, while annihilating entire nations. There are too many Scripturas to list, but I can provide you with a couple of well-known examples. Let's begin in the land of Sodom and Gomorrah.   It is in chapter 19 of Genesis, you may want to read that account. Oh, but that’s doesn’t count, they were wicked people, right? Really? Were they all grown men? I think NOT. There were undoubtedly men, women, children and pregnant women in that city. Were the children wicked? Were the babies in utero wicked? Yet, GOD destroyed ALL of the inhabitants of the city. In Exodus chapter 11, YHWH GOD Himself  killed ALL of the first born in Egypt. It doesn’t say he only killed the first-born males all grown up. It says ALL the first born. Do you suppose there were some babies? Do you suppose there were first born children? I would think there were. What about the city of Jericho? Did God tell Joshua to spare the children, the women or the pregnant women? I dare say, no, again.

     In chapter 23, of Exodus, GOD told Moses that He would “wipe-out” the peoples in the nations that GOD planned to send the Israelites to live and take possession of the land. The Hebrew word, kachad ( כָּחַד) means to annihilate. Did GOD only annihilate the men, the soldiers? Or did He annihilate the women, children and pregnant women also? Last, but not least, GOD told Moses, Joshua, King Saul, and David among others to KILL and destroy entire nations of pagans, including the women and children. And when they did not obey GOD to kill all these, they suffered the consequences. (See Numbers, Joshua, Judges, and give them a good read.) Eventually, the Israelites began to adopt their  wickedness, rebellion, and idolatry, even sacrificing their own children in the fires to Molech. The book of Judges is a very dark book, if anyone hasn’t read it, Judges 21 will turn your stomach.  

    So, why did GOD annihilate even children and babies? Doesn’t that seem so cruel? We cannot comprehend GOD and His ways, because we don’t have the capability to think the way He does. (Isaiah 55:8-9) Yet, GOD even explained to them why He commanded them to destroy all the peoples in those nations, men. He knew that bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33). Let me ask you, of the nations that GOD commanded they annihilate, do you suppose He knew that there were were there pregnant women and children? I will tell you, yes in fact He did know.    GOD is all-wise and all-knowing. He knew those children would grow up to become adults like their parents, and sacrifice another generation.  Who are we to question GOD in any matter? Job found out what happens when we question GOD's ways and reasons. (Job chs 38-41 READ them.)

  

    It’s NOT ever about being born here on earth, but it is always about where you end up after you are born. When that person dies, where does their soul end up, in heaven or hades?   GOD knew that these children would grow up just like their parents and perish with them.  Let me ask you, should this woman reproduce? What kind of child could come from her?   If an unregenerated woman, who is evil to the core, as we all are, (total depravity) has the baby you demand that she is pregnant with, what’s the chance of that child growing up to become a God-loving servant of the Most High? I’ll give you my guess, maybe one in thousand chances.

   

  I can say that comfortably because I am the only devout believer in my entire line. I don’t know of a single cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent, great-grandparent, sibling or parent on both sides of my family or even my husband’s family that is a born-again, lover of Jesus. Whether you believe life begins at conception or when the brain is developed bears no consequences on the truth? Those aborted fetuses are now with Jesus, or so some will assume. I don't know, because I'm humble enough to admit that I'm not God, whereas, some people act and think they are.  Those fetuses have been spared having to go through the pain and heartache of life here on earth.  Even those aborted zygotes and embryo’s who were aborted were not guaranteed to be born anyway. Miscarriages are so commonplace; many women don’t even know that they miscarried before they even knew they were pregnant. Again, I’m basing that on my first miscarriage, which I did not know about until my second. 

   I have a theory, and it does have Biblical support, but again, it's my theory I have deduced. The Bible says that GOD breathed into Adam's nostril, and he came to life. What is the possibility of a fetus, embryo, or zygote not having a soul until he is born and takes in his first BREATH of life?  If there is no breath of life, how can there be a soul or spirit?

Job 33:4

It is the Spirit of God that made me, the breath of Shaddai that gives me life.

Genesis 2:7

Then Adonai, God, formed a person from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, so that he became a living being.

Isaiah 42:5

Thus says God, Adonai, who created the heavens and spread them out, who stretched out the earth and all that grows from it, who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk on it:

Ezekiel 37:5

To these bones Adonai Elohim says, “I will make breath enter you, and you will live.

Ezekiel 37:6

I will attach ligaments to you, make flesh grow on you, cover you with skin and put breath in you. You will live, and you will know that I am Adonai.”’”

Job 32:8

But it is the spirit in a person, the breath from Shaddai, that gives him understanding —

Acts 17:25

nor is he served by human hands, as if he lacked something; since it is he himself who gives life and breath and everything to everyone.

    

   I quite agree with King Solomon that it those unborn are better off than both the dead and the living. Any mother who wants to get rid of her baby shouldn't be a mother anyway. Life is hard, and for some, agonizingly difficult. Children in homes without GOD have nowhere to turn when the hurt gets so bad that you wish you were dead at the ripe old age of 15. I know, I lived it. I don't know GOD's thoughts on women who have abortions, I'm not Him, and neither is anyone reading this. GOD no more approves of a woman who sits in a pew every Sunday, claiming to be saving babies by calling other women outside of the faith, whores than he does the husband and wife who prefer the big empty house with the big mortgage. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone, church people. Romans 2 says you have no right to judge anyone else, and 1 Corinthians 5 1, says you have no right to judge anyone outside of the church, either. You may want to look those up, also. I went from a secular, pro-Abortion feminists, hating men, to anti-birth-control for those who truly belong to the Yeshua (Jesus). That is where I believe the real sin of selfishness is conceived.  Now, to all you women and men out there who are using birth-control, you are killing any pre-conceived babies that GOD could have created within your “Godly” marriage, therefore, you are without excuse. You know the command GOD gave His people which was to go forth, be fruitful and fill the earth. As far as I can recollect, that command has never been rescinded. We can choose sacrifice or self. Most couple choose self and the big house with the big mortgage as opposed to living at the poverty line with a full quiver. (Psalm 127:1) 

   I’m not telling anyone here to stop using birth control, that is your free will choice to have or not have babies. What I’m telling you anti-abortion church people spilling out all that hate, self-righteous piety, with their holier-than-thou rhetoric , you have nothing to say, not one word. If you are using birth control, because you prefer status living over lots of what GOD calls gifts and blessings  then you are not pro-life.  I can say this because GOD convicted me to stop using birth control after number three and what do you know, He gave us five more in ten years.  That was His will, not ours.  I wouldn't trade a one of them, because I consider myself to be favored of GOD to be entrusted with so many souls. 

Dear Church of Ephesus:

     When I was rescued from the "sinful" world and born again at the ripe old age of 26 years old, I gratefully spent the next 21 years as a devoted student of the Word, and a devout church member. I boycotted anything that was from the liberal left/gay movement. As a former sinner, saved out of the secular world, I had a point to make. I was going to birth an army for the LORD and show the world that I could satisfy and serve my husband, staying married for life. I couldn't get along with non-church members in the sinful world, just like I used to be.  Then GOD thought I had about enough of that. The night before I was to give birth to my eighth child, as a devoted wife and homeschooling mother, the Good LORD felt that I needed to fall from my high and lofty place, and fall I did, as my happy world came crashing down.

     When my eldest became the first of my prodigals as an adult, I got a well-deserved pie in the face. Eighteen months later, I was knee-deep back in the secular world, this time as a sinner saved by grace, who wanted nothing to do with GOD. I was angry at a Him and devastatingly hurt, because He let my eldest become an estranged prodigal who wanted nothing to do with us. As far as I thought, I did raised them right, much better than the upbringing I had.

     So, what did I do? I became a prodigal, also. If my daughter was estranged from me, well, I was going to be estranged from GOD. Eighteen months later, when I had enough time on my prodigal road, the LORD came calling for me and He brought me back into the fold. He taught me something I never knew before; G-R-A-C-E. Now, full of grace & shouting it from the rooftops, I can't get along with church members who were just like I used to be.

      Several years later, now as a former wife, and mother to prodigals, and single mother, my dream now is to become a vessel for all prodigals and sinners, the bruised reeds that Jesus would never have broken, because they knew already just how broken they already were. I want to help the contrite hearts, the ones Jesus loves; just like he loved me when I was a secular sinner, later when I was a "Pharisee," a broken down mother of an estranged adult daughter, then as a sinner-saved-by-grace prodigal, as a cancer survivor, and now, the broken mother of a estranged adult children, and an abandoned wife who was recently served divorce papers, basically, now, as a sinner, saved by grace who knows how to love like I never knew before.  

I look for bruised reeds because I am one.

WHEN GOD HANGS YOU OUT TO DRY

Back in the day, before glass bottles and wine cellars, wine was kept in wine skins, animal hides.   When the wine skin was empty, it usually was hung in a corner to dry out.  The wine skins at one point held happiness in it, but now it was emptied, all used up, no longer representing glad tidings.  So, it's left hanging in a corner, forgotten, useless to man.  It's best day is over, or is it? When is the last time you have felt as if you were useless wine skins, hanging in the corner with no one paying any attention to you, as if you did not exist anymore?  Maybe right now? Your heart used to be so filled with the love of Jesus, so much so, that it spilled over and you shared it by pouring into other people.

Eventually, having poured out all the love you had in your heart, with no one is filling it back up with reciprocal love, it becomes a dried out, emptied.  Those you poured all the wine of your heart all over, gladly received it, but none wanted to return it.  Some even abused you because of it. You brought gladness, now, you have no more to give. We are left to ourselves, so alone, so isolated that we even start to think that GOD has also abandoned us.  We did as we were told.  We gave when we weren't asked to give.  We loved those who did not love us, but GOD had commanded us to love.  We did not strike back when struck by those we gave love to, we just assumed, like GOD's Word says, "It is mine to avenge."  So, we sat back and  waited, and we waited, and waited, and then we waited some more.  Time passed, more time passed, so much time that we gave up any hope of getting love back from those whom we so freely gave.  Days, weeks, months and in some cases years go by; no vengeance, no change of heart.

Next step is the obvious, that we  must have got it wrong.  GOD didn't really tell us to give love to that person, it must have been the enemy of GOD.  He must have set a trap for us, knowing a fall was imminent.  Total confusion sets in. We can't seem to hear correctly from GOD.  We question everything we did for the last few years, until we come to the conclusion that our purpose, our dream, our goal was completely wrong, all this time. We just wasted six years doing what we thought GOD led us to do, and now we have no goal, no dream, no real purpose, and definitely are of no use in the Kingdom of GOD, because we can't discern GOD's instructions from the devil's traps.

Now we have two choices, bolt and turn away from GOD, or cower in the corner, hoping GOD will see our bruises and heal them. Bolting is not an option, because we know that there is no life outside of GOD.  We cower, we cry, we plead, we beg, so much so that our eyes sting and become so swollen it changes our appearance, not just for a few minutes, but for days at a time.  GOD still hasn't noticed or healed our bruises, and we are bewildered. Sometimes, even reading the Bible is like pouring salt on our wounds.  We've read all the promises. We’ve written them, memorized them, taken them to heart, but yet to have seen them fulfilled. Now, they are just words, words that actually hurt, now, because you waited and waited and waited.

You know every crevice and corner and every promise that reside in the safe places of those beloved pages. Still, after a while, those familiar words are just that, just words. They don't carry any weight, anymore, because you never saw them come to pass as you hoped.  Now, that hope which used to bring joy, now just brings pain, because that hope, you now realize only led to disappointment, night after night after pillow-soaking night.   

No healing comes. Now what? Stop breathing? That's not an option.  Stop living? That's not an option. Start hating back? That's not an option.  Ah, numb the pain with some authentic mind-numbing medicinal wine of our own.  That works, for a while, until GOD says, "That wasn't an option, either, so Stop!"  Getting angry at GOD didn't work, and you surely did shake your fist way too many times. Then guilt sets in, especially when someone lays that You-have-no-right-to-be-angry-at-GOD, guilt trip on you. 

With no warning, when you aren't expecting it, when you've decided in your mind to give up, walk away from everything and everyone, after you've erased all your social media and decided to accept your fate as is, hoping the few years you may have left will pass quickly, one moment in time, one thing leads to another, and suddenly, you just happen upon a sermon on You Tube, and you discover that there is a corner you missed.  Even though you have read that Bible from cover to cover several dozens of times, GOD still has a surprise for you. There is a corner you missed, a stanza, a plea from a psalmist who has just lived your life, and is dying inside just like you are, right now.  You're exhausted, and you think you've exhausted the Word of GOD, until you realize, refreshment is where you weren't looking. Psalm 119 and Psalm 88 both have what I call a “Job’s Princess life.”  It’s a life of sorrow from start to what we think will be finish.

That's all it took.  Someone, knows what you feel like. GOD made sure that someone made it into His Word, because of this day.  He was going to refresh you and refill your wine skin with new wine.  It's just enough to draw you back to His Word to find more corners you didn't know were there. Then you realize, GOD not only saw your bruises, but He felt them, and He was just waiting for you to stop doing that mind-numbing activity that blocked His work in your life, and you are back.  At least until the next time, and you know there will be a next time, but like this time, next time He will again, bring you to a corner in His Word you didn't know existed.  Each time you learn to trust more and more, until such a time that you are ready to help those other dried out wine skins who feel left abandoned in the corners of their lives.  I ran across this Psalm one day when I was feeling lost and so abandoned by everyone including GOD.  It blew my mind. I thought I knew all of Scripture, but GOD has a surprise up His sleeve. So, for those of you drowning in your ocean's amount of tears, this is for you. 

Psalm 88

May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

³ I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
⁵ I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

⁶ You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
⁷ Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.^[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
⁹     my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
¹⁰ Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
¹¹ Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction^[e]?
¹² Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

¹³ But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
¹⁴ Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

¹⁵ From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
¹⁶ Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
¹⁷ All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
¹⁸ You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

When the pain is blinding.

I have had something like fifteen surgeries. Seven of them have been cesarean section births, two new feet, some corrective plastic surgery, hand surgery, and oral surgery. The worse by far was the parotidectomy. Your parotid gland incorporates nearly the entire side of your face.  One day I found a tumor right next to my right ear.  Everyone told me it was nothing, probably a benign cyst, that I shouldn’t worry, but I knew different. This was one of those times when the voice in the back of your head says, “God’s got a work for you to do. Be prepared, He’s turning up the heat.”

That voice is almost always the voice of the Holy Spirit guiding or convicting us.  Almost two agonizing months after I found the tumor, I lay on an operating table for near six hours while my gifted oncologist, with great precision, removed the tumor which did have some nerve involvement.  Because the nerve was involved, I was supposed be left with anywhere from minor to major facial paralysis. to completely unable to even blink or smile.   Best case scenario would have been Bell’s Palsy as a lasting effect for the rest of my life. By the gracious and miraculous hand of GOD, and complete surprise to all medical personnel, I experienced none of the above.  The story doesn’t end there. After proving to be a stage one malignant tumor, my oncologist recommended daily radiation therapy for a period of six weeks to burn out any remaining cancer cells in the area

I foolishly assumed that the recovery from that surgery was the most painful experience in my life, however, it was a scratch on my cheek compared to what came next. For ten weeks, I endured swallowing razor blades, radiation burns, radiation sores, complete loss of my ability to taste anything, and fatigue like I’ve never known, even after having birthed and raised eight babies. I was supposed to lose all my teeth and very little hair, but GOD had a different plan.  I lost no teeth at all, but half a head of hair. I was bald as an eagle from the middle of my scalp down, but no one knew because the top layer covered it.  I had to walk around with a mullet hair style for over a year, but considering I wasn’t supposed to keep my teeth, I was all too happy to be out of style, looking like that achy-breaky, country artist from the early 90’s. 

 The last difficult ordeal, and I use that term loosely, was pain-med withdrawal.  The fool that I was, about two weeks after my last treatment, when I figured I could stand the physical pain, I just removed the pain patches and threw them away. Let me suggest, NEVER to do that!  I wasn’t interested in tapering down, I was interested in getting back to work and normal life.  The withdrawal I experience was similar to the kind of withdrawal a heroin addict experiences. Now, don’t go assuming I was high and having a ball all that time, because when narcotic painkillers are used properly for pain, there is no high as a kite. There is only pain-relief to a degree, enough to live, but not enough to forget the pain that was ever present.

 All during those months, I had lost sight of the reason for the pain. I had forgotten that it was all for a greater purpose. I grew angry, bitter and near impossible to live with, a time of my life of which I greatly grieve. It’s a funny thing about pain, sometimes it can be so severe and life-draining, that the only thing we can focus on in our daily life is the pain. Everything else becomes a blur, and we think is this the way it’s always going to be?  We wonder what if felt like to not be in pain.  We can’t remember life without it. It drains our energy, saps our joy, and steals any happiness or hope we have for the future. Compassion and agape love are gifts given to us by GOD, some get more some get less, while empathy is an equal opportunity employer of our future work. 

That year my husband and I both survived dual cases of cancer, however, our three decade old difficult marriage did not.  The physical pain was over, but the heart pain was only to get worse.  I do thank GOD for every dark, dreary, bleak, hopeless, despairing, oppressed and painful moment in my life, because good will come from all of this. I’ve heard over and over the amount of difficulties and obstacles a person has to endure is in proportion to the size of the ministry GOD has planned for us after we have survived it all.  I hope that is true. 

Currently, I am in one of those extremely emotionally painful times where my back is against the wall and there is no way out of my situation, short of the Hand of GOD. There is no easy way out of this one, and sometimes, I get so lost in the pain, I can’t remember the thousands of promises GOD gives us in His Word.  One of them is what GOD gave me the weekend before my cancer surgery. This one is in Exodus, when the Israelites were at the Red Sea, with the Egyptian army closing in on them. There was no way out for them, or so they thought

Sometimes I lose focus, and I look too much at the circumstances, the storm, the waves, and not the LORD who just told me I could walk on water.  Sometimes we fall into the devil’s trap of only seeing and feeling the pain.  This is the time that GOD uses not to test us, because He knows if we will pass, but to prove to us that, yes, we can endure it. We have two choices in pain, grow a deeper love for GOD or withdraw from Him. I choose to grow deeper in love, my husband on the other hand, chose the opposite road. People tell me everyday that GOD would never end a marriage. People who say that don't know GOD very well, because in His Grace, He did.  We were both drowning in a sea of despair. I was on the top trying to keep my head above water, while he was under the water, trying to pull me under with him.  

I thought being free from the trap of a dying marriage would make it better, it only caused more grief, because daily, he is a reminder that it didn't work.  I am in constant daily heart pain from that and a few other heart-crushing events since then, but I march on, or as I tell my children when they are in physical pain, "Kerri-Strugg-it. If she can do a perfect vault and win the gold for her team on a broken ankle, then you can do whatever it is you have to do while smarting a little, or even a lot.“

Recently, I learned that I focused too much on Psalm 27:13, the promise that life would get better and that I would see the "goodness" of the LORD in the land of the living, and that made it worse.  NOW, I focus on the character of GOD, because that is always good, always gracious, always faithful, and always for my good and the good of His Kingdom.  That is where the numbing agent really is. 

The Bible as a Treasure Chest

As many of you know, I'm an Old Testament buff, in fact, I buff it out so much that the more I buff it out, the more brighter the shine that comes out  to near blind me and confuse me.  The brightness of that shine of the Old Testament is so illuminating that my eyes can't comprehend it, and my mind cannot filter it.  There is so much there that the human mind is incapable of comprehending all of it in this lifetime.  Yet, it is so highly ignored by most Christians. 

Most Christians these days are New Testament Christians only.  Yeah, they see the Old Testament as a good story book, a good poetry, a good  intro to the Gospels, but they don't understand, the Old Testament is the cake under the frosting.  If you don't have the cake, there is no frosting. Most of the Old Testament Scriptures that are quoted over and over again don't even show the tiniest fraction of the whole picture.  Everyone has their favorites, but their palates are so accustomed to the taste of the favorites, that the people don't want to try and find new flavors.

While praying about this and asking GOD what can I write about the Old Testament gifts, I saw a treasure box.  Go with me here for a second.  Open the treasure box, and there is a tray on the top of the box that holds all the greenbacks of the US Treasury.  Sure, those green backs are good. They spend like real money, and they can buy you anything you need or want, however, the gold and jewels that those greenbacks are based upon are underneath that tray.  You know they are there, and if you lift the tray you can see the beauty underneath.  The real problem is that unless you take out the tray, and pick up each piece and carefully examine each jewel and the glow of each piece of gold, you are only getting 1/4th of the treasure box.  A quarter of the treasure is good, it's enough to make you rich in Christ, but how rich do you want to be? 

Too many Christians are settling for that top tray, because it's good enough.  Good enough was never good enough for me. That is why I got in trouble with my children and my husband.  They think that I was never satisfied with them, because they were not good enough.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Yes, I set the bar high, but so didn't GOD when he came here as a baby in a manager and when Jesus stretched out his arms and died on that cross for you and me.

 Psalm 119 is the perfect example of the gold standard of the Old Testament.  The jewels in this Psalm is in the poetry.  Yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme, and that's because we don't speak Hebrew.  The Psalm is divided into 22 sections, each stanza begins with a Hebrew letter.   Recently, I started studying some of the Hebrew alphabet.  I'm telling you, GOD loves letters, but even more so, He loves numbers.  Each Hebrew letter has a specific meaning in Hebrew, it doesn't just represent a sound.  Each letter has a number assigned to it, and each number has a meaning behind it.  For example, 1 Represents GOD, as GOD is one, the only One.  My favorite letter in Dalet, the 4th letter, it means door.  My favorite number is 8, which means new beginning, and if anyone needs that, it's me.  There is such beauty in GOD's creation and the story of His people.  Knowing some nice OT Scriptures as comfort verses is like eating beans in a can when GOD offers us an entire banquet table in which we can feast.  Not knowing the Hebrew alphabet is again, like only tasting the frosting and not the cake underneath.  The English Alphabet is good enough to create the words that teach you the Gospel, but the Hebrew Alphabet is the gold and jewels that will make you far richer in Christ than you could ever imagine.

Might I encourage you to take your Bible, learn it in Chronological order in historical context. Learn the culture behind the stories and the people, and you will find such treasure in the truth and knowledge of GOD that you've been missing all this time.  Not knowing the Hebrew alphabet is again, like only tasting the frosting and not the cake underneath.  The English Alphabet is good enough to create the words that teach you the Gospel, but the Hebrew Alphabet is the gold and jewels that will make you far richer in Christ than you could ever imagine.

I'm working on my final book, Living as a Jeremiah in a Job's World, and I hope to have it done by the end of the year.  It has three sections, The BODY ~ A Reason to Believe, The SOUL ~ A Reason to Hope, and The SPIRIT ~ A Reason to Change.  The Old Testament is not the book of a wrathful GOD, it's the book of the Merciful GOD pleading with His people to turn back to Him.  He is doing that very same thing today.  When reading the Prophets, I do not picture GOD speaking to an ancient people, threatening them within an inch of their life, I picture GOD speaking to His people today, in His church.  I see GOD calling out His remnant saying;

"Here I am, I'm over here. You've been looking over there, and that is just a reflection of me in a mirror.  Turn around and see the real thing, the full figure of Who I am."