WHEN GOD HANGS YOU OUT TO DRY

Back in the day, before glass bottles and wine cellars, wine was kept in wine skins, animal hides.   When the wine skin was empty, it usually was hung in a corner to dry out.  The wine skins at one point held happiness in it, but now it was emptied, all used up, no longer representing glad tidings.  So, it's left hanging in a corner, forgotten, useless to man.  It's best day is over, or is it? When is the last time you have felt as if you were useless wine skins, hanging in the corner with no one paying any attention to you, as if you did not exist anymore?  Maybe right now? Your heart used to be so filled with the love of Jesus, so much so, that it spilled over and you shared it by pouring into other people.

Eventually, having poured out all the love you had in your heart, with no one is filling it back up with reciprocal love, it becomes a dried out, emptied.  Those you poured all the wine of your heart all over, gladly received it, but none wanted to return it.  Some even abused you because of it. You brought gladness, now, you have no more to give. We are left to ourselves, so alone, so isolated that we even start to think that GOD has also abandoned us.  We did as we were told.  We gave when we weren't asked to give.  We loved those who did not love us, but GOD had commanded us to love.  We did not strike back when struck by those we gave love to, we just assumed, like GOD's Word says, "It is mine to avenge."  So, we sat back and  waited, and we waited, and waited, and then we waited some more.  Time passed, more time passed, so much time that we gave up any hope of getting love back from those whom we so freely gave.  Days, weeks, months and in some cases years go by; no vengeance, no change of heart.

Next step is the obvious, that we  must have got it wrong.  GOD didn't really tell us to give love to that person, it must have been the enemy of GOD.  He must have set a trap for us, knowing a fall was imminent.  Total confusion sets in. We can't seem to hear correctly from GOD.  We question everything we did for the last few years, until we come to the conclusion that our purpose, our dream, our goal was completely wrong, all this time. We just wasted six years doing what we thought GOD led us to do, and now we have no goal, no dream, no real purpose, and definitely are of no use in the Kingdom of GOD, because we can't discern GOD's instructions from the devil's traps.

Now we have two choices, bolt and turn away from GOD, or cower in the corner, hoping GOD will see our bruises and heal them. Bolting is not an option, because we know that there is no life outside of GOD.  We cower, we cry, we plead, we beg, so much so that our eyes sting and become so swollen it changes our appearance, not just for a few minutes, but for days at a time.  GOD still hasn't noticed or healed our bruises, and we are bewildered. Sometimes, even reading the Bible is like pouring salt on our wounds.  We've read all the promises. We’ve written them, memorized them, taken them to heart, but yet to have seen them fulfilled. Now, they are just words, words that actually hurt, now, because you waited and waited and waited.

You know every crevice and corner and every promise that reside in the safe places of those beloved pages. Still, after a while, those familiar words are just that, just words. They don't carry any weight, anymore, because you never saw them come to pass as you hoped.  Now, that hope which used to bring joy, now just brings pain, because that hope, you now realize only led to disappointment, night after night after pillow-soaking night.   

No healing comes. Now what? Stop breathing? That's not an option.  Stop living? That's not an option. Start hating back? That's not an option.  Ah, numb the pain with some authentic mind-numbing medicinal wine of our own.  That works, for a while, until GOD says, "That wasn't an option, either, so Stop!"  Getting angry at GOD didn't work, and you surely did shake your fist way too many times. Then guilt sets in, especially when someone lays that You-have-no-right-to-be-angry-at-GOD, guilt trip on you. 

With no warning, when you aren't expecting it, when you've decided in your mind to give up, walk away from everything and everyone, after you've erased all your social media and decided to accept your fate as is, hoping the few years you may have left will pass quickly, one moment in time, one thing leads to another, and suddenly, you just happen upon a sermon on You Tube, and you discover that there is a corner you missed.  Even though you have read that Bible from cover to cover several dozens of times, GOD still has a surprise for you. There is a corner you missed, a stanza, a plea from a psalmist who has just lived your life, and is dying inside just like you are, right now.  You're exhausted, and you think you've exhausted the Word of GOD, until you realize, refreshment is where you weren't looking. Psalm 119 and Psalm 88 both have what I call a “Job’s Princess life.”  It’s a life of sorrow from start to what we think will be finish.

That's all it took.  Someone, knows what you feel like. GOD made sure that someone made it into His Word, because of this day.  He was going to refresh you and refill your wine skin with new wine.  It's just enough to draw you back to His Word to find more corners you didn't know were there. Then you realize, GOD not only saw your bruises, but He felt them, and He was just waiting for you to stop doing that mind-numbing activity that blocked His work in your life, and you are back.  At least until the next time, and you know there will be a next time, but like this time, next time He will again, bring you to a corner in His Word you didn't know existed.  Each time you learn to trust more and more, until such a time that you are ready to help those other dried out wine skins who feel left abandoned in the corners of their lives.  I ran across this Psalm one day when I was feeling lost and so abandoned by everyone including GOD.  It blew my mind. I thought I knew all of Scripture, but GOD has a surprise up His sleeve. So, for those of you drowning in your ocean's amount of tears, this is for you. 

Psalm 88

May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

³ I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
⁵ I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

⁶ You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
⁷ Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.^[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
⁹     my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
¹⁰ Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
¹¹ Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction^[e]?
¹² Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

¹³ But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
¹⁴ Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

¹⁵ From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
¹⁶ Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
¹⁷ All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
¹⁸ You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

The Bible as a Treasure Chest

As many of you know, I'm an Old Testament buff, in fact, I buff it out so much that the more I buff it out, the more brighter the shine that comes out  to near blind me and confuse me.  The brightness of that shine of the Old Testament is so illuminating that my eyes can't comprehend it, and my mind cannot filter it.  There is so much there that the human mind is incapable of comprehending all of it in this lifetime.  Yet, it is so highly ignored by most Christians. 

Most Christians these days are New Testament Christians only.  Yeah, they see the Old Testament as a good story book, a good poetry, a good  intro to the Gospels, but they don't understand, the Old Testament is the cake under the frosting.  If you don't have the cake, there is no frosting. Most of the Old Testament Scriptures that are quoted over and over again don't even show the tiniest fraction of the whole picture.  Everyone has their favorites, but their palates are so accustomed to the taste of the favorites, that the people don't want to try and find new flavors.

While praying about this and asking GOD what can I write about the Old Testament gifts, I saw a treasure box.  Go with me here for a second.  Open the treasure box, and there is a tray on the top of the box that holds all the greenbacks of the US Treasury.  Sure, those green backs are good. They spend like real money, and they can buy you anything you need or want, however, the gold and jewels that those greenbacks are based upon are underneath that tray.  You know they are there, and if you lift the tray you can see the beauty underneath.  The real problem is that unless you take out the tray, and pick up each piece and carefully examine each jewel and the glow of each piece of gold, you are only getting 1/4th of the treasure box.  A quarter of the treasure is good, it's enough to make you rich in Christ, but how rich do you want to be? 

Too many Christians are settling for that top tray, because it's good enough.  Good enough was never good enough for me. That is why I got in trouble with my children and my husband.  They think that I was never satisfied with them, because they were not good enough.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Yes, I set the bar high, but so didn't GOD when he came here as a baby in a manager and when Jesus stretched out his arms and died on that cross for you and me.

 Psalm 119 is the perfect example of the gold standard of the Old Testament.  The jewels in this Psalm is in the poetry.  Yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme, and that's because we don't speak Hebrew.  The Psalm is divided into 22 sections, each stanza begins with a Hebrew letter.   Recently, I started studying some of the Hebrew alphabet.  I'm telling you, GOD loves letters, but even more so, He loves numbers.  Each Hebrew letter has a specific meaning in Hebrew, it doesn't just represent a sound.  Each letter has a number assigned to it, and each number has a meaning behind it.  For example, 1 Represents GOD, as GOD is one, the only One.  My favorite letter in Dalet, the 4th letter, it means door.  My favorite number is 8, which means new beginning, and if anyone needs that, it's me.  There is such beauty in GOD's creation and the story of His people.  Knowing some nice OT Scriptures as comfort verses is like eating beans in a can when GOD offers us an entire banquet table in which we can feast.  Not knowing the Hebrew alphabet is again, like only tasting the frosting and not the cake underneath.  The English Alphabet is good enough to create the words that teach you the Gospel, but the Hebrew Alphabet is the gold and jewels that will make you far richer in Christ than you could ever imagine.

Might I encourage you to take your Bible, learn it in Chronological order in historical context. Learn the culture behind the stories and the people, and you will find such treasure in the truth and knowledge of GOD that you've been missing all this time.  Not knowing the Hebrew alphabet is again, like only tasting the frosting and not the cake underneath.  The English Alphabet is good enough to create the words that teach you the Gospel, but the Hebrew Alphabet is the gold and jewels that will make you far richer in Christ than you could ever imagine.

I'm working on my final book, Living as a Jeremiah in a Job's World, and I hope to have it done by the end of the year.  It has three sections, The BODY ~ A Reason to Believe, The SOUL ~ A Reason to Hope, and The SPIRIT ~ A Reason to Change.  The Old Testament is not the book of a wrathful GOD, it's the book of the Merciful GOD pleading with His people to turn back to Him.  He is doing that very same thing today.  When reading the Prophets, I do not picture GOD speaking to an ancient people, threatening them within an inch of their life, I picture GOD speaking to His people today, in His church.  I see GOD calling out His remnant saying;

"Here I am, I'm over here. You've been looking over there, and that is just a reflection of me in a mirror.  Turn around and see the real thing, the full figure of Who I am."

Cancer,  Death , 
and Good Humble Pie 

~Among Others~

   Eight years ago, I remember GOD calling me to begin a writing career. Of course, I thought that was the most ludicrous notion that I had ever heard. After all, I don't think I received higher than a D in any of my college writing classes. So, I said to GOD, "But GOD, I'm not a writer, I'm not a novelist, I haven't a clue how to do that." I distinctly heard in my spirit, before those frightful words of rebuttal left my lips,

   "Kristina, you are who I make you to be." Oh, yeah, that did it. I had no argument with that.

     You see, we can argue with GOD all we want, but we will never win. Here's the beauty, He doesn't mind how much we do it, until we learn that we aren't going win, and we can trust Him with that which we know we can’t handle. Eventually, we realize that He has been trying to teach our slow brains that we can’t handle it, but He can. 

    Another day, I remember being on one of my five-mile autumn walks, and  I saw in my head in the future, a very successful author who had my face. The terror that ran over me on my walk nearly face planted me right there and oddly enough, right in front of the local library. GOD has a funny sense of humor. That fear gripped my heart because I know just how much of a screw-up I have been and still am. Again, I had a rebuttal for GOD, and before the words,  

    "Oh, no, GOD, what will I do if I am successful. I'm sure to ruin it. That kind of success like that ruins everyone. What if I get too full of myself? What is to stop me from making it all about me?

    Again, the answer was swift and only took two nouns and a conjunction, "Cancer and death." 

   “Oh, yeah, that'll do it." The Bible is clear, storms come from GOD’s permissive and sometimes planned will. The crook in your lot that totally messed you up came from GOD. He may have used other people to put the bend in the road that caused you to crash and burn. He did it because you were probably going the wrong way at warp speed and didn't see the train wreck coming right at you.

   Two years later, I was knee deep in radiation hell, having all pride I had built up in my first book, finished, with “rave” reviews. (I sometimes wonder if there was more wrong with those who reviewed my book than me in the intelligence department.) burned out of me.  So, one book down, another started and an amazing one at that. God gave me a story that was sure to be an epic. Right after I finished the rough draft, I spent the next six months in radiation hell getting the snot burned out of me, literally. 

   Sadly, though, GOD had more sense-of-self I needed to be rid of, because having bounced back beating cancer and surviving radiation hell, I still had a garden needing to be weeded after a longest winter of my life. So, he ruffled up the garden paradise of my home and family life. With a stroke, dual cancers, a few days past the pain of radiation hell, I was basking in victory. With no real warning, none that I paid attention to, because I never thought divorce could happen to me, my husband informed me during the last few weeks of my cancer treatments that he was filing for divorce when my treatments were over after twenty-nine years of marriage. 

    A year after that, another major heart crushing rejection came along to seriously send me under the bed hiding behind my cat afraid to even come out of my room, lest something worse happen. Rejection is one of GOD's greatest tools, not only to protect us from those who are not good for us, but to protect us from ourselves and that ugly human disease called, P-R-I-D-E. It is so sneaky. Even in all that, it still snuck up on me. You'd think I would have had my fill of humble pie with my family shattered, dual cancers, divorce pending, and a crushed and broken heart should have humbled me, but nope. He had one more lesson. Vindication!

   You see, the Bible promises us that He will vindicate us from those who do us harm, even if sometimes He was the one who sent them to do just that. Boy, I surely needed some vindication, or rather thought that I deserved vindication. Do you see it? Pride entered even through my brokenness. I was so broken by those who GOD sent in my life to hurt me, on purpose, to keep me humble, but now as the "victim," I felt I deserved some Heaven sent vindication, and some serious justice to feel satisfied. There is a difference between seeking justice for a person’s well-being, and seeking vindication for our bruised egos. When we plead for justice, it must be with an attitude of needing deliverance from something that is oppressing us, with the Father-forgive-them-for-they-know-not-what-they-do attitude and heart behind it. When we seek the self-satisfying kind of justice and vindication, that is usually nothing but pure anger and bitterness coated in pride.

    Now, I am cancer survivor who is well aware that just like the winter, cancer always comes back, especially the rare kind I was gifted with, even if it takes decades. Yes, cancer was a gift, and anyone who drew closer to GOD during theirs understands that. It is, however, a permanent, unwelcomed guest that never really leaves, but lies dormant in my cells, ready to leap at a moment’s notice, and all just to keep forcing that humble pie down my throat. 

     

  So, here I am eight years later, working on my eighth book, (eight meaning new beginning in Hebrew numerology) Google-able, yet, still a nobody. As a mother of eight in a small town, my house isn't all glass, but still too much of it is. I can't walk down main street without one of my children's friends letting them know that they saw me tripping over my own two left feet on that sidewalk, again. Failure in obscurity is fine with me. After eleven years in the fiery furnace of affliction, with the heat turned up to broil, I've learned that failure is the flour in humble pie, and it is way easier to deal with, and much more preferred than success. I know how to do failure very well, but I've never done success. Believe me when I say this, I'm scared to death of it! PUN intended. I'd almost rather fail my entire life, and let my work succeed after I am gone. That way GOD gets all the credit, all the glory and I'm just a stone in the ground. After all, Allen means stone!