Are you mad at God?

     My best friend of over twenty-seven years would continue to say to me, “Kristina, how can you be mad at God. Stop, I’m afraid for you.” She was afraid GOD would punish me for being human. She was the dearest woman in my life, and never were there two more opposite sisters who weren’t related by blood, but by Christ. We grew up in completely different environments. She grew up in a loving home with Christian parents, going to church every Sunday, hearing and learning all the wonderful Biblical stories. She has treasured memories of church camps, youth group meetings, and feeling loved by Jesus.  She says she always felt like the different one in her family, the black sheep, as some would call it. That is the ONLY thing we have in common.  She felt that she was the “rebellious” one, and I felt like I was the tender one, picked on, the vulnerable walking target. I grew up in a cold, hard, “survival of the fittest" environment with two parents who hated each other.  

Their divorce was so nasty, that if they were presidents of different countries, they would have annihilated each other, and their citizens, us their children.  Did they do it on purpose? Of course not, my parents did the best they could with what they knew, with what they grew up with themselves.  Neither of them grew up in a Godly home. Their parents did not grow up in a Godly home, and so on and so on.  My best friend was taught the fear of God as a properly balanced reverence for Him. I was taught to blame others. My mother blamed my father for everything that went wrong, even if he had nothing to do with it. If the toilet backed up, it was his fault, even if he hadn’t lived in the home in three years, it was still his fault. So, imagine growing up hearing that, what’s a girl to do, but to blame her Heavenly father for everything that has gone wrong?  I gave my heart, soul, and life and all my endeavors in dedication to God, yet I have been crushed by one heart break after another. Back about fourteen years ago, I was so angry over a devastating blow to my heart that I walked away from GOD for over two years.  I wanted nothing to do with Him.  The spirit was dead inside me and my mad took over any love I had for Him.  So, GOD let that experience in the wilderness teach me lessons I never would have learned had I not been forced out there to wander. I think He best answers that question through the greatest king who ever lived, the man known as “the man after God’s own heart,” David.

I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out before him my complaint; before him I tell of my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way. Psalm 142: 1-3

David spent thirteen years, give or take, running from a mad king who grew more insane by the year. Get this, an entire army for thirteen years could not find one man and execute him. Why? Because he was God’s man. So, hypothetically, I’m David, I’m in the cave of Addullam, Every single day I question GOD. Where are your promises? Are they coming at all? Did you really promise them?” Does God understand our frustration? Does God understand our hurt and confusion? The unequivocal answer is YES!  

Like a toddler or a pre-schooler, I’m mad at my Parent because he won’t let me have what I want. Do you get angry with your toddlers or pre-schoolers or adolescents just because they don’t understand why you do things for their good?  Well, our Creator doesn’t get angry with us for not understanding and for being human. Believe me when I say this, unless God is finished with the plan He has for your life, you are immortal for the time being, and no one can take you out of this world, until the will of God has been completed. Not only are you immortal, so to speak, but if the Lord planned it, the Lord will accomplish what He knows you will do. You can’t mess it up so bad as to not get the work done. He will complete it in you, regardless of where you are right now in life, walking with God, or still angry at God. If He planned to use you to further His Kingdom, He is going to use you, mark my words, rather, mark His words!

 

 

ADDENDUM

This is an old post from a defunct blog page I had about six years ago, and I’ve edited it just a bit, but the same sentiment is there, the same mad and frustration. I’ve spent the last six years trying to talk myself out of the mad or stuffing it, until today.  Today the Holy Spirit taught me that my mad was so deep in my soul that I could not cut all the way through it, myself.  Only GOD can heal it, so I just need to learn to live with it until He heals it.

That was HUGE! It was freedom, freedom to cry, freedom to tell GOD everyday how much He has disappointed me when the mad takes over, which lately is more often than the gratitude and worship for what I do have. So, is it okay to be mad at God? The answer, “It’s okay to be human and be mad at our Parent like our toddlers are sometimes mad at us. GOD says, “I AM bigger than your mad, and I will heal you, some day.”

A TALE OF TWO SAUL'S

 

    I know this is going to sound crazy, and you are asking how a new hot water heater and a story of two Saul's fits together, but if you know my writing at all, by the time you get to the end, it will all fit together, perfectly. GOD always uses everyday kind of events to teach us more and more about Himself, and about the kinds of people He chooses to use. I learned a very valuable lesson through the heartache that GOD caused in my life through the disrespect of two men.  I wrote much about these two men in a previous blog.  The Two Men Who Rejected Me  and you can go back and find that. GOD taught me all about his love through those two men that I love beyond my own ability to stop. The human side of me wants GOD to get back at them in a Biblical way, but the Jesus that dwells in me, also wants GOD to get them, but in the Jesus way. In the Old Testament days, when GOD says that He's going to put a hook in someone's nose, He wasn't kidding, He literally puts a hook in their nose. You can find the stories in 2 Chronicles 33, and Isaiah 37. GOD chooses his own unique ways to get our attention, and all of them hurt! It's kind of like when we were children and we stepped WAY over the line of our family rules, we felt the consequence, either by suffering through a month long grounding, like when I got suspended in high school for getting caught smoking in at school, OR, when I was a small child, and caught the back end of that dreaded and hated wooden spoon.  

2 Corinthians 7:10 For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance [a]without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. 

     GOD will put a hook in our noses, either by punishment, or by correction, depending on whether or not we have His favor. One of those men, I believe GOD will use as an example of His punishment for his unfaithfulness to Him, and the other as his chastisement and correction to bring him closer to Him. Today, instead of talking about those two men, I'm going to tell you a different story about two men named Saul. If you are familiar at all with the Bible, you know that there was a King Saul circa 1,000 BC, and a Saul, the Pharisees in the book of Acts about 1,000 or so years later. They were two VERY passionate zealous men about their beloved Israel. One was passionate about the people, the other about their GOD. One was humble and afraid, and yet became obstinate and obnoxiously disobedient. The other was obnoxiously disobedient who became humble and afraid. Both, however, were chosen for two very different roles for two very different lessons about the will of man versus the Sovereign will of GOD. One was an example of not having GOD’s favor and the other of having GOD’s favor.

     

   The first Saul was a very tall handsome man, chosen first, and he wanted nothing to do with being a king, until he realized the perks of kingship, and I don’t have to tell you what perks a man likes best, it’s fairly obvious, but I won’t go there. This man saw much success in all areas, as a leader.. All was going well, until all that success started going to his head.  Eventually, obeying GOD wasn’t part of his agenda, but doing things his own way became the agenda in his own eyes. The perks of kingship started slowly slipping away from King Saul, and he became a mad king, not just the angry kind. GOD let his heart grow stone cold, because GOD’s hand of favor never really rested on this man. King Saul had a rival, and that rival would end up outshining and performing King Saul, because he was a man after GOD's own heart.  King Saul is the perfect example of the man GOD chose to use as an object lesson of what happens to the natural man that GOD did not choose to do a mighty work for Him. King Saul died in the worst of circumstances, he was decapitated, and his body hung as a trophy in the palace of the king of the Philistines as a tribute to their pagan god that they believed delivered King Saul into their hands. Little did they know, it was the GOD of gods who allowed it to happen.

     About a thousand years later, GOD chose another Saul, one who was just as arrogant as the first, so full of himself from the start that he felt murdering innocent people all in the name of GOD was his true calling. I’m talking about the Pharisee of Pharisee's in the book of Acts, Saul of Tarsus, who later became known by his Greek name, Paul, the greatest of Apostles and writer of most of the New Testament. This man had GOD’s favor, even while he was out persecuting GOD’s people, the new followers of the Way, and approving of their murder. How can GOD favor such a man? It’s because GOD does not see the murderer, but the finished product, the one whose heart would be so broken, so humbled, so pliable and moldable in His Precious hands, that nothing but good would eventually come from this man, and a great and mighty work would be done by GOD through this new heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36). The rival of the church, the enemy of GOD's people became their biggest and most valuable proponent.  Only GOD can do that. 

     I have known and love two such men in my life. I asked GOD, last night, while so confused about these two men, having watched both grow stone-cold hearts, “If you are so powerful, how is it that you can’t break the stubborn stony hearts of these two men, and turn them both into Biblical heroes?” The answer came back, “Because one has My favor, and one does not.”  When one is chosen by GOD with whom GOD’s favor rests, He will move heaven and earth to break that man’s stubborn willful heart, to shine a light on it’s ugliness to that man. His reflection in the mirror will become less and less attractive to him. Once that heart is shattered into a million pieces, GOD will carefully, like an expert Craftsman, take that busted up heart mold it and shape it, and create the most beautiful, gorgeous masterpiece out of it, then use it for the good of His Kingdom and people.

     GOD did favor King Saul, temporarily, He poured His Spirit into him to enable him to accomplish a work. In just the same manner, one man succeeded in his workplace, but failed in the Kingdom work.  Success caused King Saul to not finish well, he went his own way. GOD also chose and favored Saul the Pharisee. Both men were decapitated, one in shame, the other in such glorious victory, that two thousand years later, the world is still astounded daily with new insight from the writings of this newly molded heart. So, that was my answer. One of the men has GOD’s favor, and He will shatter that man’s heart in glorious victory, and tragically, the other, GOD has let the other's heart grow so hard, that’s it’s calcified now, and nothing good will ever come of it, but a legacy of abandon.

      So, you ask, what does all this have to do with a hot water heater? Well, it’s dollars and sense, and I mean that as written. One man is paying through the nose for his hard heart. Everything in his house is breaking, and each repair is costing way more than he expects or wants, because money is his god, and the GOD of gods is ripping that money right out of his hands. The other? I don’t know what is going on in his life and heart, but if I was a betting woman, I'd put my money on money. GOD knows that the provider in a man is most concerned with providing for his family. Eventually, he'll break and call out to YHVH GOD. "What do You want from me?" When that glorious day happens, and it will, it is my hope that he will have that same glorious experience I had on March 20, 2012. GOD will get a hold of that man’s stony cold heart, and will replace it with a wonderful warm heart of flesh that chases after His heart. There are only two kinds of Saul's in every man, one is an arrogant king, hell-bent on having his life play out his way, and the other is a humble man of GOD, having his life play out His way.

 Living or dying in the Death Zone

     I used to watch Bible study videos all day and night, but for the last nine months or so I have stopped watching them. I don’t open my Bible much anymore because there’s no use learning the Bible if GOD won’t let you share what you’ve learned. I need a platform to share what He has taught me and only He can provide that platform. So, instead of watching sermons all the time, I'm back to watching mountain climbing disaster documentaries. I've seen every plane crash, boat disaster, deadly train derailment documentary, holocaust documentary, and mountain climbing disaster documentary that there is out there. The only thing I won't watch is underwater cave disasters. I'm far too claustrophobic for that. So, why do I watch disaster documentaries all the time?

     One reason is I'm obsessed with death, because death here means really Living in Paradise. I tell people being born here is a life sentence on death row. Isn't that the sad truth? We are born to die. Isn’t that crazy? Seems pointless to me unless we do some good between the being born and the dying. I’ve always wanted to do good, even before I had my first encounter with GOD. He only enhanced my desire to climb that mountain of life and share with others how to do it. Second, my life has been one small disaster after another, hence, I like to watch documentaries about people who have had it worse than me so I don't die of overdosing on despair and depression at my own pity parties.

     I’ve learned so much about climbing Mt Everest from watching all these documentaries. You see there is a base camp where everyone starts out. It’s above sea-level and where you spend the most time acclimatizing to the higher altitudes. That’s like the years we spend in church. Then as our bodies adjust, we move up to higher camps. I’m amazed at how mountain climbing physically is the same as mountain climbing spiritually. Higher camps are where we go deeper with GOD. Each camp requires you to acclimatize, getting used to the thinner air. There’s thousands of people in base camp, but each higher camp has a smaller population of people. The people thin out just like the air because many people cannot acclimatize and they get altitude sickness and have to quit their ascent. They go back down the mountain, and most do not try to climb it again.

     If you don’t acclimatize, you’ll never get to the top alive. Eventually, your body adjusts, but the higher you go, the more supplemental oxygen you will need to survive. It’s not getting up to the summit that is hard, it’s the descent where most people die. Anyone can have faith as high as a mountain summit, but coming down to help others get up there also is what is so dangerous. I’m in the death zone. I don’t know if I’m going to make it back to base camp to show others that climbing and descending is possible. While on that summit, I had eight children and then I wrote eight books. I did it because I believed GOD could use me by working through me.

     Unfortunately, while climbing, I used up all my supplemental oxygen supply, and I have none left to help me get down. We can decide to climb a mountain of faith, but it's only supplemental oxygen that will get us up and down still alive. It’s hard to breathe when you are at the top of a mountain, because the air is so thin. So too is it difficult to live with GOD at the summit, because nobody is up there with you. When you reach the summit and spend time with GOD you learn so much about Him. You learn that the only reason you are there is because He willed you there, and the only way you will be able to descend is because He wills it. We can do nothing outside of GOD’s perfect will. If He didn’t will or ordain it, then it isn’t going to happen. 

     Believe it or not, we can get up to that mountain top alone, but we need a sherpa to help us down. Sherpa’s are paid guides who know the mountain well enough to teach us how to survive the unforgiveable climate. The sherpa becomes our lifeline back down the mountain. The storms come in so fast and so furious that you can’t see two feet in front of you. The wind and blistering cold kill you from the extremities inward. I’ve got frostbite on my heart and I need a sherpa to heal it and help me down. If GOD does not supply a sherpa to help me down, then I will die, all alone up here in the death zone.

     To me, the ultimate tragedy would be to get to the top, learn who GOD really is, encounter the storms on the way up and die in a storm on the way down. No one benefits from what we learned on the way up to the summit or the things GOD taught us while we are up there, unless we are able to make it back down to base camp and share with others what we learned and how to survive.

     If I don’t survive, then nothing I’ve learned will survive. If GOD chose not to send me a sherpa to help me down, then I don’t know Him like I thought I did. He knows without a sherpa nothing I’ve done to get up there will be worth a hill of beans. PUN INTENDED. So, I don’t know if I will make the descent successfully to base camp to help others, because I don’t know if GOD will send me a sherpa. Only He knows.

 A TALE OF THREE PASTORS!

    It's been a while since I've had anything to write that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt came from YHVH GOD.  I had a question I asked while fasting and in the "Holy of Holies" and this profound answer came out of nowhere.  I knew it came from the Holy Spirit, because it was bathed in wisdom, answered sufficiently this scenario, and I never would have thought it up on my own. 

    There's a very highly known, hugely popular  pastor who blocked me on my social media.  I have no idea why, as I'm only a nobody peon, and he is Hollywood Hal.  He has a huge ministry. As a matter of fact, just today, he baptized 4,000 in one day in the Pacific Ocean.  WOW! Kinda like the Apostles who baptized 3,000 in one day, except, back then the Scripture says, " And day after day the Lord kept adding to them those who were being saved.

   Of course, many in the church are celebrating such an accomplishment, calling it a revival.  Hollywood Hal doesn't take credit publicly, but we can assume deep down inside, he is patting himself on the back after such a massive outpouring today.  Knowing of his humble beginnings, I asked GOD how can someone who was so devoted when he began his work for You have strayed so far from You and gotten so high on the drug "Hollywood?" I loved His answer.  It was one word. I'll get to that one word in a bit. This was too powerful to keep to myself. So, I'm going to tell you a story.  It's a true story. I'll be taking a poetic license here only to make it relatable.  

    There once was a congregation.  It was a very small congregation, mostly all family members, but a huge family.  GOD called to the patriarch of this large family and told him that He had a plan to grow this congregation to numbers greater than the stars in the sky, and that eventually, all of his descendants would dwell with GOD Himself in His own Presence. After that revelation, this family began to suffer many hardships. You see, there was a competing congregation, and their pastor wasn't too keen on this chosen congregation getting a bigger name for itself.  That's where the suffering and oppression began.  This other congregation was humongous in and of itself.  Both these congregations were in the same general area, and they did not get along.  The pastor of the humungous congregation devised ways to oppress the congregation GOD began.  Eventually, GOD moved His own congregation to a better place to get them away from the evil pastor. In fact, some of that congregation defected, because they saw that GOD's congregation was definitely better.  They saw through the evil pastor.  

     After many, many decades, this congregation decided it would be a good idea to have a Sr. Pastor, as they did not have one.  They had only elders.  They wanted to be like congregations around them, so they asked GOD for a pastor.  He obliged, but it wasn't the model he originally wanted.  He gave them the kind of pastor they wanted.  He was tall, dark, and handsome.  He was head and shoulders above everyone in the congregation. He had a charismatic personality and the people adored him.  Everything he did turned to gold, and the people were happy that they had such a successful pastor.  Eventually, the pastor decided on his own to change some of the "rules" and do things he thought best.  The people were all behind him, in fact, they even put some pressure on him to do so. 

    This did not go over well with GOD, in fact, He called on a very devoted elder and told him to go in search of a new Sr. Pastor, He promised that He  would lead him to the one He had chosen.  The elder obeyed and came to a family with many sons.  In fact, they were handsome, strong and looked quite capable of carrying out the duties of a Sr. Pastor. However, none of them were the one GOD had chosen.  The one GOD had chosen wasn't there at the time, so the father sent one of the sons after him.  As soon as the elder saw this boy, GOD said, "That's him!  He's a man after my own heart.  He'll listen to me."  The elder let the boy know that in time, when the  reigning Sr. Pastor was removed by GOD, that boy would assume the role and lead this very very large congregation.  

     As the years passed, everything that could go wrong for the tall, dark, and handsome Sr. Pastor did go wrong.  GOD's hand of blessing was no longer on this pastor and he hit a brick wall at every turn.  He soon learned that another was chosen, and that did not sit well with him.  He was bound and determined to find this other future Sr. Pastor who would take over his prestigious cushy job, and he worked to tarnish this man.  He sent many of his congregants after him to torment him, to even try to kill him.  Of course, GOD's hand of protection was on him, and eventually, the Sr. Pastor became so desperate over his losses that he sought a psychic to try and find out how he could get the honor of the people and GOD back.  He even had a séance and consulted the dead.  That did not go over well with GOD, and the next day, with defeat at his doorstep, this Sr. Pastor committed suicide.  Sadly, his sons who weren't half bad blokes, also died that day, leaving the Sr. Pastor's seat open.  

     Needless to say, many of the congregants loyal to the younger chosen one, the runt of his family, talked him into taking on the role as Sr. Pastor for this very encompassing congregation.  He did but there wasn't unity at first, Many were unhappy about this new less than stellar pastor, and they wanted one of the former associate pastors to fill in until a descendant of the former, disobedient Sr. Pastor was old enough to run this congregation.  Eventually all came to realize that this humble runt of a man, who had finally grown into his distinguished manhood was chosen by GOD.  For the most part, this pastor remained very close to GOD.  He even brought back the long lost altar so the congregants could gather and worship GOD.  What he touched turned to gold, and he was prosperous.  He was also fruitful with a quiver full at his parsonage.  All was going well for this pastor and his family, until he had a mid-life crisis.  As with many men, he stumbled and did something most men at that stage in life do.  When the mistress was found to be with child, the devoted pastor, instead of confessing his sin, seeking forgiveness from GOD and his congregants, he attempted to cover up his mess and made a bigger mess doing so.  

     One of his elders was called out by GOD to confront this pastor and hold up a mirror.  When he did, this devoted pastor was disgusted at what he saw, and he went away to seek GOD's forgiveness and favor again.  Word got out what he did in his family and many of his children began to see their father in a new light. He was less than perfect in their eyes, now.  They were not happy with what he did, and they began to fight amongst themselves.  Three eventually died over this family dysfunction, and one died very young. The father took responsibility, taking all the blame for everything that went wrong. He was devastated at the loss, but there was a congregation to lead, and GOD did not displace him because he repented of his sin.  

    As time moved on, one of his sons, who was conceived with his former mistress, after the previous son died as an infant, was chosen by his father to succeed him as Sr. Pastor.  He was trained meticulously in the Word of GOD by his father and many elders. The father wanted leave a legacy of a huge sprawling religious center of worship for this congregation to gather, but GOD had a different plan.  He told the father how He wanted a building built and run, but his son would build it, because the father had too many skeletons in his closet. Some the congregation did not know about them, and to this day, many have no idea just how low he sunk during his days on the run, drowning in a sea of despair and doubt. But GOD did. 

 

     When it came time for the father to join GOD in heaven, he passed the torch to his chosen son.  Of course, one of his sons didn't like that and he declared himself Sr. Pastor and drew others to himself. When the father got wind of the rebellious son, the father called the assembly together and made it official.  His chosen son would be Sr. Pastor and the rebellious son was to be caught and "dealt with." Things were going well for the son while he lead the sheep of GOD's congregation.  Like his father before him, everything he touched turned to gold.  This son built an enormous religious center for the congregants to gather to worship. His grand opening of this magnificent building was spectacular.  It was a marvel, plenty big enough for a growing congregation. This religious campus was admired by pastors everywhere.  Many came to see it, many came to speak with this Sr. Pastor, and they were amazed at his spiritual wisdom.  It was obvious that the GOD of the universe was with this Sr. Pastor.  

     There was only one problem with this Sr. Pastor, and that was that he was a man, a man with desires and wants, and an ego.  Eventually, sex became something more important to him than GOD, and his inflated ego over his religious campus began to draw him away from GOD more and more.  He became hugely popular among men near and far.  They admired his accomplishments and his prowess with women.  He even had an enormous mansion that was awe inspiring that he built for himself and all his women.  Because of his ego, his women, his pride, and his foolishness, he neglected to raise his sons properly or appoint a Sr. Pastor to take his place when he was departed.  This would eventually cause a terrible division, and the congregation would divide and not be reunited again for thousands of years.  It was such a sad story, as the son was as devoted to GOD as the father was in the beginning.  The only difference between them was that the father hated what he saw in the mirror, and the son did not have a mirror. 

  By now, if you don't already know the names of these three pastors, I'll let you in on the secret. Their names were Saul, David, and Solomon. So, getting back to when I asked GOD the answer to my question of how this super popular pastor, who baptized 4,000 people in one day could stray so bad to become Hollywood Hal when he started out so humble and devoted to the Word.  In my head, one simple word floated across my mind, and that was "SOLOMON."   From there I was told to tell this  story.  

What kind of gem are you? ALLEN means stone

    The devoted believer's life as any long-suffering lover of GOD knows is sometimes an enduring pace, tunneling through the base of a monstrous heap of rock and earth above us. We can't climb it, so we have to channel our way through it. The cave we enter is frightening, lonely and with many intimidating noises and steep cliffs along the way that could relinquish us into an even more dire station in life.

    One hand reaches out in front, while the other gropes along the rocky cave wall, trying to maintain some sort of navigation. One foot sweeps the dirt in front of us, so as to not trip over any rock or boulder put in front of us by the enemy of GOD. The scent of moldy air greets our nostrils as we perceive a trickling of water from above. The drops into a puddle indicate that there is a spring or water source nearby. We are hoping it is fresh water while our mouths are cotton dry, but we fear, as usual it's bitter water. The same bitter water we have drunk from before, not due because anything we did wrong, per se, but because we are sinners deserving of bitter waters.

    We holler or guidance and the only thing we hear are our desperate pleas boomeranging back to us in hollow echoes. Did anyone receive that call for help before it returned to us empty, without hope? If we keep going, will there be light at the end, or should we turn back? We believe with all that we have that the end of the darkness lay some of the most eye-bewildering gems and precious stones. If we can't see anything, how are we supposed to dig for them? How are we supposed to find and uncover them?

    We have been assured they are in the cold dampness of this dark and frightening pathway because we believe every promise the Bible has given us. We are guaranteed that our faith will lead us in this journey to treasures unknown to us and more immeasurable than we could have ever dreamed or imagined. (Ephesians 3:20)

    So, we flounder along the way, hoping for not just a trickle of fresh water, but some kind illumination poling through the roof above, at least to shed some light on our path and find some glimmer of understanding as to why this cave is so dark and so long. Other miners have testified to us who have trekked this path that it does lead to a glorious opening to the most plush green pastures. We've seen the evidence in their lives after they have made it through their cave. We can only hope that the opening to our cave will be half as wondrous as theirs.

    The warming glow from the glorious sun we took for granted before, but love so dearly now, helps restore circulation and energy to our tired bones. We long to look upon the precious gems in peering out into the gorgeous emerald carpet of greener pastures just ahead, according to those Biblical heroes who went before us. This is what I saw when I read Job 28.

    They sink a mine shaft into the earth far from where anyone lives, they descend on ropes, swinging back and forth.  Food is grown on the earth above, but down below the earth is melted as by fire, here the rocks contain precious lapis, lazuli, and the dust contains gold. There are treasures no bird of prey can see, no falcon's eye observes. No wild animal has walked upon these treasures; no lion has ever set his paw there.             Job 28:4-10

    The blessings that GOD has in store for us are much like that, buried deep in the dark below the surface of the earth, safe and coated in the fertile soil so that no animal, bird, or insect can steal, stomp or eat away at it. GOD is preserving our hidden gems of blessings. He is lovingly crafting us for them. We only have to trust that below our feet are the promises of GOD, waiting to be unearthed in His due time. They are waiting to sprout up from the ground like a well-watered garden.

    "He also said to them, "This is what the Kingdom of heaven is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the solid produces grain, first the stalk, then the head then the full kernel in the head. As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come."   Mark 4: 26-29 

  So we wait for the cold dark and dead winter of our lives to be over and for the spring of new life to burst forth.  

   "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth the season of singing has come the cooing of doves is heard in our land."   Song of Solomon 2:11-12

    There will come a day when we will walk out of our dark tunnels of our dreary days. Our fingernails may have some dirt underneath them from digging for our treasures, our clothes may be dusty, dirty or stained. Our faces will be somewhat dimmed from the dark and our eyes will squint at the stinging bright light. But, winter does come to an end. It's a guarantee from GOD. Sometimes, our only hope is in death, but even still, there is hope for those in Christ Jesus. 

      Some of us will see the good green pasture in this lifetime. The key is to be faithful to GOD to the task at hand, to do as He has asked, even if it hurts and the dirt in your fingernails doesn't come out ever. For us ladies, that's what GOD made fingernail polish for!      So, I will wait and let the LORD buff me over and over again so that I can become that stone He intended, the shining one, the one where all the rough edges are finally smoothed out. After all, Kristina means, 'one who follows the LORD, Louise means, 'famed warrior, and Allen means 'stone.'

CANCER REALLY IS A GIFT FROM GOD THAT LEADS US TO MERCY

(IN MEMORY OF OUR BELOVED ROBERT. YOU WILL BE GREATLY MISSED. )

    Most people would shutter at that statement about cancer really being a gift from GOD, but having been through it, I have earned the right to say it. I've also witness the miraculous that comes from it. Most people say cancer is a curse of the devil, well, they are wrong, very wrong. I've been telling people it's going to be my Ticket Home, and I look forward to it's return. Most people think I'm crazy, I've been called far worse with more colorful adjectives before that word, but I'm not, they are just ignorant to the Hand of GOD, because they can only think like humans.

    I've been going over in my mind how GOD used cancer to bring a very wonderful, yet messed up man to Mercy. His life was as messy as any human can do to themselves. I saw GOD do it with my mother who had a terrible mean streak and a tongue that could tear a person to pieces. Neither one of them lived a life devoted to Him. Both led very secular lives. 2 Chronicles (2Chronicles33) tells us of the story of Judah's most evil king, and how he filled the streets of Jerusalem with innocent blood, and yet when trouble befell him, he turned to Mercy. I just so happened to be reading this story the exact moment my mother took her last breath, three-plus years ago, and I know that GOD was giving me a clear message. He took my mother to heaven, and He used cancer as the means to do it. Ask the thief on the cross next to Jesus. He also turned to Mercy after he was crucified, not before.

  

 GOD obviously doesn't put a "hook" in everyone's nose to turn them back to Him. He obviously does not save all, so whom does He choose to bring to Mercy and why? That was my question I asked him. The answer I got was, He knows the heart of everyone. He knows who will and who won't. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my new friend, Robert, is in Heaven right now. I'm pretty sure my mother is, but I'm not as sure as I am about Robert. Why? Because GOD sent me to Robert for the last month of his life to show him just how peaceful the transition will be, and to assure him that GOD was orchestrating the whole thing. GOD wanted Robert to know that his greatest fear of dying alone was not going to happen. GOD wanted Robert and his family, (and me for that matter) to witness just how He was putting all the pieces of the puzzle together, one mile and minute at a time.

    The whole path to meeting Robert was miraculous, in that I rarely answer the phone at the food pantry where I volunteer, but I just so happened to answer it that day. He was told to call to ask for a food delivery as he had no way of coming to get food himself. He cried on the phone over his gratitude that someone was coming to bring him food in two days. That was all it took for me to pack him a bag and bring him some that evening. When I first walked into his house, I saw the most pitiful sight I've ever seen, a fragile, thin man, whose body had been ravaged by cancer over the past few months. He told me his story, and he cried over his fear of dying alone, and that was it. I was hooked. There was no tearing me away from this fascinating man. I spent almost every day for the last month of his life taking care of him, but not to the best of my ability, a regret that will be with me for the rest of my life. I did not know he had less than a month to live. I had no clue that on a Sunday night when I left him that he would be gone Monday afternoon. No one expected that, not the doctors, not him, not me, but the One who did was the One who orchestrated every minute of Robert's last days.

       Here is an undisputed fact: None of us is able to save ourselves. GOD's individual plan to bring His chosen to Him is as varied and diverse as each one of us is and He orchestrates the whole thing. Like Robert's brother-in-law said, "This may be one big wake up call for all of us." He has no idea just how true that statement was. I told him that it indeed was, and it surely isn't the way the church would have said GOD does it. They are too busy pounding over everyone's head what sinful people we all are. Jesus never scared anyone into heaven, nor did he threaten anyone with hell. GOD saves us by His Grace, He calls to us with His Grace anyway He chooses to get our attention. He has no limits, and He makes up the rules. He knows who is coming to Heaven, and He knows just how to get them there.

    Robert messed up his life himself by doing all the things we are told not to do. He had an addiction that he helped create, and this talented man could not seem to hold down a steady job, because his creativity couldn't be stifled by the strict environment of the workplace. He himself admitted to me the first day I met him that "he deserved this liver cancer" by the way he lived. Cancer humbled him and brought about life-saving repentance. He also told me that before I came to his house and into his life, he laid there on his couch for weeks crying, giving up, and begging GOD not to let him die alone. That's where I came in.

  

 I know for sure that GOD sent me as sure as I am here typing this at my regular inspired 2 am blog posting, like most of my inspired posts. He sent me to show me a heart so full of love, one that He loved very much, but a life completely messed up by human error. It was also my job to get his family here so they could witness and be there for the most precious thing outside of the birth of a baby, the entrance of their beloved into Eternal Life. My most important assignment was to love him to Heaven with the purest kind of love I could give, and I did love him with all my heart. You see, GOD put that love in my heart, and I am crushed at this loss. This complete stranger that I knew for three days less than a month so touched my heart, that it's broken because I did not have more time with him. I will never forget the wonderful things I learned because of his entry into my life and like I told him and his family, Robert was much more a gift of GOD to me, than I ever could have been for him.

  

 Where Our Feet Have Trod

    As many of my readers know, I've lived like Jeremiah in Job's World.  Anything that can go wrong has gone wrong.  Anyone who could stab me in the back has.  Here I am trying to warn people about the Just GOD of the Bible, the one my covenant, (but ex husband in the eyes of civil law only), calls a "mean-ass-God."  Yes, he really did call the GOD of the Hebrew Scriptures a "mean-ass-God."  He believes in GOD, he'll come right out and say that, but like the majority of the New Testament Church, he doesn't believe in the YHVH of both the New Testament and "Old Testament, the one Jesus spoke about, the One who holds his fate in His Hands.  Like most regular church goers, he has created a god in his own image, one he can live with, one that loves everyone, no matter what they do.  If it weren't for lies they tell themselves and others, the church would be dead. 

    Paul warned us that this would happen, and it did not take long for it to occur.  Satan is just as comfortable in the New Testament Church as he is in the open world.  As long as he can deceive those sitting in the pews with that warm happy feeling that GOD loves them just as they are, they won't want to change.  As long as he can tell them that GOD isn't to be really feared, but to be worshiped, praised and loved, the way He "praises/worships" us, then all is well with however they live. 

    I had dreadful parents.  I determined never to do as they  did to us and make us feel like we didn't matter.  So, I risked my life to have six more children than the doctors recommended, and I treated them all like they mattered.  I bent over backwards trying to serve them and be a good mother, while teaching them about YHVH GOD.  I did this with my husband also.  There was never any question about my love for them, because I showed them and I told them.  Yet, six out of the eight threw all of that away, as well as my husband.  I sit here, all alone, the only one walking with GOD asking Him how this could have happened.  The only answer I get is that the devil hates the truth.  In me are no lies.  I refuse to lie, so, I end up saying things people do not want to hear.  

   People listen to words, they do not watch actions.  Hearing words they like appeal to them.  I took in an elderly man with dementia, because his grown children ripped him off blind and dumped him in squalor, yet, when he was handing out money for anything they needed, they loved their dad.  As soon as the courts came and took his money away from them and him, and assigned him a conservator, they dumped him like a hot potato.  

    Then the truth hit me like a MOAB, (mother of all bombs).  We are the same way with GOD.  Those of us who know the true YHVH GOD constantly try to earn His love and favor, because we know it can be lost.  You can take Scripture and twist it to anything you want it to believe, but history proves the truth of Who YHVH GOD is.  Read the judgments against the people and nations who rose up against His people.  Read what He said about His people who turned to idols and dumped Him by the roadside. Open up the book of Hebrews, in particular, chapter 2 and chapter 6.  

    Those who have created a god in their own image refuse to believe that they will be judged based on how they live, even though, it is explicitly taught in the Bible.  You see, everyone's mirror is distorted.  No one has a correct mirror into their own souls.  If you ask anyone, "Are you a good person" who will answer correctly?  People who are bad think they are good and people who are good think they are bad.  It's like that with everyone.  Bad people don't believe they are bad.  Good people don't believe they are good.  Now, which ones does GOD love? He loves the ones who think they are bad, and those people will forever be trying to earn His love and favor, even though they already have it.  Jesus is clear in Matthew 12:50 as to who are really truly his family. 

  Jesus’ Mother and Brothers Send for Him

46 While He was still talking to the multitudes, behold, His mother and brothers stood outside, seeking to speak with Him. 47 Then one said to Him, “Look, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside, seeking to speak with You.”

48 But He answered and said to the one who told Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” 49 And He stretched out His hand toward His disciples and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! 50 For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.”

    Those who think they are good, or okay, think they don't have to earn GOD's favor, because they are deceived into believing they have it, regardless because of this "man-made doctrine of unconditional love."  It is a very tragic situation.  Here is one thing I posted on Facebook, and I think it's a pretty good scale in order to judge oneself by when looking in the mirror of our souls.  When you look into the mirror of your soul, if you can say yes to the question above, then you are in danger of having a false god, one you created in your own image.   I can tell you the people who will tell the truth, those on their death bed.  GOD recently brought a man into my life who is in end-stage liver cancer, and this man admits that he deserves this, because he earned it by living wrong.  He has  prayed and asked GOD to forgive him and take him to heaven.  He is now a humble man who cries at the drop of a hat and now  is only days away from Eternity in Paradise, just like the the thief on the cross, after he was crucified came to know about himself.